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09.19.2014by: Jake Dee

Top 10 Horrific Man-Anmial Hybrids!

Dude, TUSK? What else is there to say other than...WTF?!? Personally speaking, even if I weren't a lifelong Kevin Smith fan - in particular his sinister newfound collaborations with the great Michael Parks - the sheer insanity of the premise alone makes TUSK a must-see. I mean, Michael Parks going to painstaking lengths to morph Justin Long into a human Walrus? Holy F*ck! So, as the flick continues to make waves in theaters across the country this week, we thought we'd give you a little primer by highlighting some of the most horrific man-animal-mutant-hybrids seen in the horror world over the years. You cool with that? Good! Scope out Top 10 Man-Animal Hybrids Above!

#10. SPLICE (2009)

Not a great movie, granted, but few films better fit the sole criterion of melding human DNA with that of various critters. So for that, and the sheer temerity of having Adrien Brody bang that bald-alien-kangaroo-looking -bitch late in the flick, our opening salvo goes to Vincenzo Natali's SPLICE. What sort of differentiates this one is how it isn't just a single organism that recombines with human DNA, but a multitude. As a result, we get a bizarre alien offshoot never before sene. We'd also be remiss if we didn't cast at least a little love at Delphine Chanéac for her physically demanding, yet strangely emotional turn as the creature in question. Don't lie, you'd splice it!

#9. THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE (2010)

It's right there in the title, isn't it friends? Granted, the demented Dieter exhausted every imaginable avenue shy of actual genetic splicing, but for all intents and purposes...the dastardly doc succeeded in breeding the repulsive HUMAN CENTIPEDE. And the result was a global phenomenon; a universal punch-line making its way to the late-night circuit. Ever the cult-midnight-movie if there was one, I'd actually argue that the first HUMAN CENTIPEDE didn't go far enough, while the sequel slithered too far into camp territory, thereby sullying the power of the highly disturbing and original conceit. Still, will you ever be able to shake that 3-pronged ass-to-mouth image?!

#8. MIMIC (1997)

Despite some irritating studio interference (he's never worked with the Weinsteins since), Guillermo del Toro suffered no sophomore slump with his genetically altered creature-feature MIMIC in 1997. Now, I realize the crux of this one doesn't necessarily splice human genes with insectile ones...but come on, that humongous winged-insect-creature is able to shiftily assume human form. And so, yup, that's good enough to land a spot on the top 10. A few interesting trivial asides...John Sayles did some uncredited script work on MIMIC, while Danish director Ole Borndedal, who served as producer on the film, actually directed the hall of sick kids scene with Sorvino and Northam.

#7. SQUIRM (1976)

Oh please tell me you've seen the glorious B-level 70s creature-feature SQUIRM. I absolutely adore this movie! Come on, what's not to love about a small town being infested by a lethal swarm of disgustingly toothy earthworms? That's right! On the count of a power surge that pumps electro-current into the muddy swampland of a rural Georgia town...the worms not only become animated with supercharged verve, but they want to penetrate all living human flesh! As a result, in the end, one of the backwoods townies gets his face attacked by a horde of huge worms. So much so that he himself is slowly turned into a humongous, human-sized slithering worm-man who attacks are heroine.

#6. CAT PEOPLE (1982)

40 years after Val Lewton's sleek original, the ever seedily salacious filmmaker Paul Schrader brought new meaning to the term "Pussy" in the '82 update of CAT PEOPLE. I mean, Nastassja Kinski as a hyper-violent sex-kitten? Oh hell yes! If you've seen neither version, Schrader takes the skeleton of the original story and puts forth a grand metaphor for sexual awakening, addressing overtly all the subtle and covert clues Lewton had to skirt around the production code of the 40s. As a result, we get a fine foray of feline ferocity...punctuated by Kinski's daintily demure sex appeal. Not sure about that hairdo, but damn, Nastassja's one pussycat worth petting!

#5. ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU (1977)

A bit of reverse engineering going on with this bad boy, as the feral "beasts" in the original ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU were a result of nefarious tampering by a madly sadistic scientist. Still, the result equates. We'll try to forget about the paltry '96 rehash with Brando and Kilmer, and instead focus on the '77 version - starring Burt Lancaster and Michael York - and how the mutated man-beasts actually used a slew of practical FX, however dated, in order to be realized. Hell, I even read that a real tiger took the head of one of the beast-men plum into its open jaw. Good thing homey was rocking a fiberglass visor!

#4. HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP (1980)

Ahhh yeah...we never miss an opportunity to express our collective undying love for HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP - an indefatigably perverted picture of B-movie delight! Put it this way, have you seen CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON? Well imagine that very breed of mutated fish-man-monster, multiply said beast by the dozen, and imagine those sick sumbitches raping, pillaging and plundering every damn female in sight of a small fishing town! And that's just the start! Seriously, what an unabashedly misogynistic flick, so completely un-PC (helmed by a woman mind you), so foul and morally irredeemable...yet so much goddamn fun! An ultra-gory monster-movie with extreme nudity...what the hell else could one want?!?

#3. THE ELEPHANT MAN (1980)

I don't give a good goddamn if John Merrick wasn't actually spliced with elephantine genetics...David Lynch's THE ELEPHANT MAN is an motherf*cking masterpiece! In fact, it's among my top three favorite Lynch films, and depending on the day, may rank as my tops. Hard to say that with all the surreal, nightmarish flicks of fractal logic Lynch has put forth, but real shite, the pure old-fashioned storytelling of the ELEPHANT MAN, along with top-flight performances by Hurt and Hopkins, make it one of his finest. And why? The sympathy they're able to cull from us, the audience. At first we are utterly repulsed by Merrick's physical deformity, but by the end, you just want to hold the poor bastard and rock him into his ever-loving wish of eternal sleep. A special film...as touching as it is repelling!

#2. THE FLY (1986)

One of the few examples of a remake far surpassing its original is THE FLY, David Cronenberg's marvelous masterstroke of repelling bodily transmutation. What a disgusting barf-bucket of a movie! With a groundbreaking VFX design that holds up tremendously well almost 30 years later, you know the deal, Seth Brundle gets far more than he bargained for when a common housefly gets trapped inside his teleportation pod with him. As the film progresses, Seth's humanity regresses...and he slowly morphs into a skin-melting, puss-ridden sack of slimy pulp and bugged-eye viscera. Shite's heinous! And what's even more repellant, aside from Gena Davis still boning that shit-stack, is how utterly bonkers Eric Stoltz and company took the sequel. Talking to you, Darabont!

#1. THE WOLF MAN (1941)

Shame on you if you didn't envision the mighty WOLFMAN ululating atop the mountain! Because of the sheer history and legendary lore of the hallowed character, consider this an all encompassing salute to the countless iterations we've seen over the years. Hell, decades! That said, there's only one original, and that goes to our man Lon Chaney Jr. in the 1941 Universal classic. For without that flick, how would we ever be treated with the unparalleled werewolf transformations seen 40 years later in AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON, THE HOWLING, WOLFEN? Wouldn't happen! And the legend only continues...as NBC is now fashioning a new Wolfman TV series, not to mention there's a slated 2015 film of the same name...albeit unrelated to the tale of Talbot.

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