Top 10 Killer Dolls!

Jesus Christ! Why are dolls so damn petrifying? What gives? Is it the inanimate stillness? Is it the rosy cherubic cheeks, beady eyes and perpetual childlike appearance staring at you lifelessly for all eternity? Or the opposite? Is it the lifelike mobility and creepy android behavior of the more advanced dolls? What the hell is it? Well, whatever it is, such a fear has been used to tremendous effect in the history of horror cinema. So much so in fact that the mere appearance of creepy dolls have become passé in favor an out-and-out murderous munchkins. Sentient, semi-ambulatory killer dolls! Shite's madness! As you know, ANNABELLE is one such heinous homunculus fixing to terrorize theaters this weekend? You fin to check her out or what? Either way, in honor of her arrival to theaters, we're celebrating some of the all-time best killer dolls to ever hit the screen. Not killer doll MOVIES per se (we did that last year), but specific dolls themselves. Smash it up top to check out our Top 10!

#1. CHUCKY (CHILD'S PLAY - 1988)

Allow me to echo the immortal words of Charles Lee Ray. DON'T F*CK WITH THE CHUCK! Sorry, I love that line reading from Brad Dourif in CHILD'S PLAY 3 so much I feel the need to quote it annually. Now back to the Chuckster! This angry little foul-mouthed heathen hysterically desperate to transfer his soul from a plastic toy to a human boy is easily the illest of his ilk. Little bastard's sick! Real shite, as far as killer dolls are concerned, who's better? Chucky is the absolute king because of the first rate practical FX and animatronics melded with a colorfully drawn character...one that not only speaks, but hurls obscenities and epithetic Freddy-like one-liners that are just as cutting as his weapon of choice. Besides, he bagged Jen Tilly for f*ck's sake! Like I said, King!

#2. FATS (MAGIC - 1978)

First off, RIP of the highest Respect to the late great Sir Richard Attenborough! Dude's a legend! And just as unheralded as his searing psychological thriller MAGIC is, so too is the fact he - Attenborough, who brought us such sweeping epics as CHAPLIN and GHANDI - actually directed it. Moreover, the flick was written by equally legendary scribe William Goldman. And if that's not enough for you, FATS...the mysterious lifelike dummy puppeteered by Anthony Hopkins...is one of the most frighteningly fascinating killer dolls to ever hit the screen. Mysterious, suspenseful, ambiguous...the unnervingly blurred line between Hopkins' homicidal intent and the possibility of Fats being truly possessed by an unseen force is the true MAGIC of the movie.

#3. PIN (1988)

If not the artiest, sure to be the most recondite entry on this here list is PIN...the outlandish 1988 psychological sibling curio. What a weird ass flick! If you've not seen it, as lifelong Pinocchio obsessives, a brother and sister find emotional solace in the life-size wooden doll they they've affectionately named Pin. Thing is, Pin is an anatomical medical dummy...replete with exposed veins, organs and arteries...as if a freshly skinned human. Shite's gnarly. Then, when the sis picks up a new boyfriend, the brother gets so jealously irate that he recruits the help of his pal Pin to rid the motherfucker. Even if it means murder! It's a gripping tale of obsession, possession, lost identity and bizarre body politics. Truly twsited!


Be honest, how scared were you when you first laid eyes on that mortifying giant clown-doll in POLTERGEIST? Don't lie, you sprayed your shorts a little, didn't you?! No doubt, the scene in question's a panties-pisser! Granted, the maniacally-grinning toy didn't actually kill anyone, but damn did he try to stalk and strangle little Robbie into eternal sleep! Luckily little man made out alive, just in the nick of time, narrowly escaping as the killer clown tethers its wiry arm tightly around the kid's throat before dragging him under the bed. Shite's hectic! And what makes the sudden attack so great is the subtle allusion to such throughout the movie...a little clue here, a background reveal there...the doll ominously watching over the entire house as it becomes possessed.


Before James Wan thought it wise to give one of his killer dolls its very own movie, the Aussie native was perfecting the deleterious dummy motif in DEAD SILENCE. And damn is that flick riddled with deadly dolls! However, there's clearly one that holds rank above all else in the film, that of course being the Pee-wee-faced homunculus Billy. You know, the bugged-eyed, slicked-haired, bow-tie donning dummy-doll. Yup, that baleful bastard! Props to longtime voice actor Enn Reitel for creating such a distinct and disturbing vocal tone of the Billy character, which, like Chucky and a few others, can go a long way in eliciting audience dread. Hell, dolls are scary enough looking on their own!


F*ckin' hell! We can probably pluck two-dozen deadly dolls from the entire PUPPETMASTER franchise (or any Charles Band movie, damn!), but when all is said and done, there's really only one boss that needs answering to. Yup, I'm talking about my man Blade! You know, the long white-haired skeletal looking fella rockin' a black trench-coat and fedora...basically looking like a mini-Kane from POLTERGEIST II. Yeah you know the dude! This little sumbitch is pure evil. Obviously inspired by the mean demeanor and hateful tone of Chucky, Blade doesn't just slice and dice with his trusty blade, he lets the insolent barbs fly aplenty.


Damn does James Wan have a thing for creepy-killer-dolls or what? Well, you know you've made it when, after scaring the piss out of people in the opening scene of THE CONJURING, you get your own damn movie! Such is the case with ANNABELLE, which you already know opens today. Sadly, our own John The Arrow Fallon didn't think much of the flick at all. Still, there's no way in hell we'd omit ANNABELLE from our killer doll collection. Bitch is too f*cking freaky! Not sure about you, but I tend to find the female dolls even more terrifying than the male ones. Something about the dainty innocence subverted into the sinister that always disturbs that much more. I mean, little boys you expect to be hellions, but little girls? Yikes!


Who's down with the 1975 horror anthology TRILOGY OF TERROR? Anyone? Anyone at all? Well for those who are, you already know which entry is the best. Yup, the last! That little f*ckin' mini Zuni African Doll is a goddamn menace! What's cool about this one is the size and unique look...a tiny figurine with a huge head, giant fangs and razor sharp spear. An ancient scroll with the accursed text is spoken aloud and soon this little tyke is torturing her owner in her high-rise apartment. I won't spoil the ending for those who've not seen it, but I will say this. Oven! Oh, it's worth noting that great Dan Curtis directed this flick, and did a TV sequel in 1996 called TRILOGY OF TERROR 2, in which the maniacal Zuni doll reappears...both in the flick and on the poster.


Anyone seen the extremely gory trash-heap of a picture called TRILOQUIST? Don't blame you if not, this sucker doesn't have a poster-cover on its IMDB page. I saw it though once back when it came out, and yeah, it definitely has a dastardly dummy on an indiscriminant death-march. And guess what? It comes from the man who graced us with LEPRECHAUN and all it silly sequels, Mr. Mark Jones. That should give you an idea of the cheeky tone in TRILOQUIST, where the character actually called Dummy is on a vengeful killing spree after its owner ODs. Props to longtime TV actor Bruce Weitz for lending his voice for Dummy, striking a tastelessly humorous tone to reflect his wicked ways.

#10. DOLLY DEAREST (1991)

Score one for the ladies up in here! Okay, a plastic toy with a wig really, but damn is DOLLY DEAREST one psychotic ball of PMS! I mean, just look at that f*ckin' face! Obviously an unofficial Mexican knockoff of Chucky's CHILD'S PLAY, made in 1991, seven years before the actual Don Mancini franchise added a little estrogen to the formula (Jen Tilly yo!), I do believe Ms. Dearest is the first female killer doll to get her very own movie. Not a very good one, mind you, but hey, progresses is measured a step at a time. That said, in a pre-CG era of good old fashioned practical FX and nascent animatronic work, DOLLY DEAREST is actually pretty legit. At least for it low budget and B-movie spirit. Little bitch pulls out the clever, the cutting knife, and murderous mind-control.
Tags: Hollywood

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