Top 10 Michael Myers Kills!

So, you ghouls and gals have a killer Halloween this year? You still hung-over on horror movie marathons and stomach-killing sugar overdoses? You should be! But don't fret folks, we're here to offer one last Halloween celebration that should be as sweet as the 14 pounds of candy you packed in your pillowcase. That's right, we're spending the day with Halloween's finest cinematic creation, Mr. Michael Myers! And we're not just hanging out with the stolid-faced madman, we're taking a hard look at Michael's most impressive homicidal Halloween handy-work. Butcher knives, needles, pitchforks, strangulation, eye and throat gouging, electrocution...nothing's off limits when it comes to Michael Myers' best of. Get ready folks...here's Michael Myers' Top 10 Kills!


I've said it once, I'll echo it again...the first cut is the deepest! Such is certainly the case for a young Michael Myers, who, as a young boy, inexplicably acts on the urge to murder his big sister in cold blood. And he does it one fateful Halloween night, in front of his own house. The method? A large butcher knife of course, an instrument of death that would go on to become a calling card of Myers' as he matured into a full-grown killing machine. But more than the pathology, it's the splendid direction of John Carpenter that makes the scene so great. The masked POV shots, the boy's costume, his frightened reaction, the indelible score...all of it work to perfection!


You've heard of the phrase "cutting your teeth." Well, before Octavia Spencer was winning Academy Award plaudits, the poor gal was cutting her ENTIRE body in Rob Zombie's HALLOWEEN II. Good grief! Playing an unsuspecting nurse, when Michael Myers thrashes through the hospital to find his sister Laurie, Octavia happens to get in the way at the worst time pssible. Poor move, as Myers goes ape-shit ballistic and relentless slaughters the orderly in one of the most savage ways imaginable...angrily jousting a large butcher-blade into her backside over and over and over again. Times six!


STRANGLE-LIFT-AND-STAB (HALLOWEEN) - I have a feeling most would agree that Michael Myers' most disturbing homicide comes in the middle of John Carpenter's original. It's the scene where Myers' emerges from the shadows to startle Linda's boyfriend. A scuffle ensues, Myers grabs a double fist of the kid's throat and chokes him out a bit. Then Myers lifts the kid off his bare feet, suffocating his breath before ultimately lancing the kid with a butcher knife so hard and forcefully that he sticks to the wall. And most disturbing? The way Myers stares, cocks his head and admires his handy work for a good 10 seconds...his muted breathing the only sound heard. More than the kill itself, it's the masterful direction that makes the scene so memorably haunting.


Ever notice how much deadly thumb and fingernail gouging Mikey Myers gets down on? Well, you need look no further than my favorite Halloween sequel, HALLOWEEN 4, to spot the trend. Myers not only gorily digs his thumb into the cheek-flesh of Brady atop the staircase, he also bashes a medic's brains in before gouging his thumb right into the dude's pineal gland. Later in the film, Myers also uses all five of his digits to rip, claw and shred the motorist Earl's flesh plum off his face. Seriously, shite's like an Argento scene in its graphic depiction of torn up flesh and blood. It's even more hair raising knowing little Jaime had to witness the shite mere feet away in the passenger seat!


I love it when Mr. Myers strays away from his trusty butcher knife and gets a little creative with his kills. In HALLOWEEN II, during the scene featuring the bodacious rack of Pamela Shoop (good heavens), one of the best examples is when Myers skulks into a steamy bathhouse, slowly caresses the lady's shoulder from behind. She proceeds to fellate his thumb, thinking it's someone else, and just when Mike sprouts a chubby, he grabs the bitch's head and plunges it over and over into a vat of scalding 140 degree water...pink strands of blistered flesh dangling from her face. Shite's heat!


Granted, most of the sequels post HALLOWEEN 4 reek of stale cheese, but that doesn't mean a good kill can't be found. Take HALLOWEEN 5 for example, which features one of Myers' gnarliest pieces of homicidal handy-work. When Mikey, the leather clad greaser, waits in his car for his date to come out, Myers suddenly appears in the background. He taunts the kid by scraping a 3-pronged gardening claw across his mint paint job. But that's just the start. When the kid tries to step up, Myers stops him in his tracks with a left hand to his throat. The kid drops to his knees, where Myers waits a beat, then plants said claw into homey's dome-piece. The kid squiggles, writhes and wriggles lifelessly on the ground.


Although mention should be made for the gory 180 degree neck twist Michael performs, an even gnarlier fatality in HALLOWEEN 6 comes via a trusty corn thresher! Poor Jaime (J.C. Brandy) not only gets the standard butcher knife to the body treatment, when she sadly utters her final words "You can't have the baby, Michael...you can't have the baby," Michael flashes his trademark blank expression before tossing the bitch on the back of a thresher, cranking the on switch up, and watching the girl's innards get blended up as if it were a goddamn Jigsaw contraption. Shite's a mess!


Who would ever think Michael Myers was a SCANNERS fan? He must be though right, as he clearly found inspiration from the flick on how to explode a motherf*cker's dome to smithereens. In HALLOWEEN 6, Myers shows very little mercy to a big burly dude when he first stabs the guy in the gut with his butcher kinfe, lifts him up off his feet, then pins his bloody body against an electrical fuse box. The result? Yeah, the dude deep fries, spumes at the mouth, swells up to a nice toasty char, then BLAMMM...his head pops like a grape...brain matter and chunks of skull go raining across the room.


Never took Myers as an M..D., but he clearly feels qualified enough to administer flu shots to random hospital staff members. Wait, you're not supposed to plug a bitch's eyeball with a syringe-needle full of god knows what? Well, nobody told this to Michael during HALLOWEEN II, and as a result, yeah, my man jabs a large needle into the ocular of an unthreatening orderly. No compunction, no remorse, he just doses the broad and lets her slowly slump to the floor. Perhaps the chick should have had better foresight (see what I did there) after witnessing the doctor suffer a similar fate.


Who doesn't love a good pitchfork double impalement? Hell, I know I do. And it's quite obvious director Dominique Othenin-Girard felt similar while watching either Bava's BAY OF BLOOD or FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2, because he paid quite the homage during a similar scene in HALLOWEEN 5. You know the setup, a young couple enjoy a lusty roll in the hay when Myers suddenly pops up and drives a giant fork right into the dude's back. Thing is, the poor lass underneath actually survives, hilariously grabs the pitchfork out of her dead boyfriend's body to fight Michael off with, only to get swiped to the ground by Myers and his giant scythe. Cue the blood splatter!
Tags: Hollywood

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