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11.29.2013by: Jake Dee

Top 10 Worst Horror Remakes!

So, who's hung-over? Was it the gravy or the whisky? The biscuits or the beer? All of the above? Well folks, don't fret, we're here for you on this slog of a post-Thanksgiving Friday. We'll digest and regroup as a team! After-all, I'm sure the last thing any of us want to do today is hit the multiplex to see the only real genre flick out this week, Spike Lee's badly received OLDBOY remake. Speaking of, what the hell was Lee thinking? Remakes should be reserved for bad movies the NEED updating, not the other way around. But of course, that logic takes a backseat to earning dollars, and in that regard, we've seen more and more horror remakes come out in the last decade or so...most of them atrocious to say the least. In fact, as you'll see ahead, it was difficult narrowing the selection of worst horror remakes down to ten. But alas, here are our Top 10 Turkeys when it comes to horror remakes!

#10. FRIDAY THE 13TH (2009)

I'll be honest, I think there are 10 worse remakes out there than that of Marcus Nispel's FRIDAY THE 13TH. But because of the tradition, the history, the legend that is Jason Voorhees and his 3-decade reign as a hall of fame horror villain...the 2009 redo must be lambasted for what it is. A cartoonish best-of! And while I certainly enjoyed how every single loathsome character ended up getting gorily whacked, there's nothing about the flick that shouts remake as it does retread. First off, where's Mommy Voorhees? Secondly, why the hell is Jason taking captives all of a sudden? And for the love of god, when did Voorhees start growing the herb? WTF!

#9. HALLOWEEN (2007)

Coming off two promising originals (CORPSES & REJECTS), Rob Zombie took a massive misstep when trying to revitalize a dormant horror legend in Michael Myers. Unfortunate, as many had grand hopes for such a high-profile refashioning. Problem is, Zombie strayed way too far from the original Myers mythos and tried to shade the character in with pseudo-sympathetic back-story, not to mention a completely different visual aesthetic than we're used to seeing. Of course, the film made enough coin at the box-office that it instantly warranted a sequel, which was so abysmal upon completion that the Halloween franchise is now endangered. Good going, Robbie!

#8. DARK WATER (2008)

Consider this a blanket indictment of the all the insipid Asian-to-American horror translations we've seen the last decade or so. SHUTTER, DARK WATER, THE EYE, etc. - these are all fallow attempts to recreate original international horror for American audiences. They end up as watered down, over-the-top, PG-13 retreads that lose all of the subtleties and nuances that work so well in the story's native tongue. DARK WATER is particularly maddening when you consider director Walter Salles (MOTORCYCLE DIARIES) and star Jennifer Connelly are miles more talented than the final product would suggest. I mean, the other flicks mentioned starred Joshua Jackson and Jessica Alba. 'Nuff said!

#7. PROM NIGHT (2008)

Good gravy...I cannot recall a safer, more anodyne, more neutered horror remake than that of PROM NIGHT. Jesus, a teen girl getting her period before the big dance would have been more edgy! Rocking the old PG-13 rating, pretty much every slaying in the film is of the cutaway variety, which means we only see the aftermath, never the actual fatality. So sad. Remember, the original was a sly slasher whodunit starring scream queen Jamie Lee Curtis and Leslie Nielson, and though cheaply made in 1980, at least it had a handful of suspenseful sequences. PROM NIGHT '08 felt more like a goddamn week in detention. No fun at all!

#6. THE HITCHER (2007)

Allow us to speak on behalf of the great Eric Red - the writer behind the one and only HITCHER - when we say every copy of the '07 remake should be recalled, soaked with gasoline and torched to the high heavens. Seriously, it's worth the atmospheric pollution. And we can thank the oh-so talented music video director Dave Meyers for every poor decision made regarding the remake - from the miscast leads, to the nonexistent character development, to thinking that a series of music-laced montages make an action-thriller sing. Props to the legendary Rutger Hauer for declining to appear in a cameo role, especially when he cited such decline for artistic reasons. Never-mind a severed finger, that's the real HITCHER telling you your movie eats balls!

#5. THE HAUNTING (1999)

This goes double for THE HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL, which was released the same year as THE HAUNTING in 1999. Both are ungodly abominations, even when considering the originals on which they're based were little more than low-budget B-pictures during their time. Robert Wise's THE HAUNTING ('63) is a masterwork in less-is-more terror, while the remake is a master-class on how to make a Z-grade movie with an A-list cast. Wow. Liam Neeson, Catherine Zeta, Owen Wilson, Lili Taylor, Bruce Dern, Virginia Madsen and Todd Field? Yeah, leave it to the perennial hack that is Jan De Bont to f*ck that one up so royally. Go back and direct SPEED 3 already Jan!

#4. TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D (2013)

Tobe Hooper's THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE is my all-time favorite horror movie, so of course I'm going to take serious umbrage with any and all so-called remakes. This goes equally for the 2003 redo with Jessica Biel, the 2006 rehash with Jordana Brewster, and most goes double for the most recent iteration, the brainless TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D with Alexandra Daddario. Simply put, no matter how hard they try, how much money they spend, who they cast, who they hire to direct...no one will ever be able to recapture the authentic grit and grime, the abject terror, and the utterly bizarre experience of the original TCM. No one!

#3. THE WICKER MAN (2006)

"OH, NO! NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES! AAAAAHHHHH!" Jesus Christ, Nic Cage outdoes himself in jaw-dropping fashion for the remake of THE WICKER MAN - which is at once the most insultingly stupid, yet inexplicably entertaining horror remakes I can recall. Seriously, this shite makes THE HAPPENING look like CITIZEN KANE. And worse - aside from embarrassing the great Ellen Burstyn - who in the hell was calling for a WICKER MAN remake in the first place? The original is a downbeat English cult-classic made 33 years earlier...not exactly a built-in box-office bona fide. I admire the risk, but question the project, and most definitely want to get Nic Cage on a drug program!

#2. PSYCHO (1998)

What a colossally asinine decision to remake Alfred Hitchcock's seminal slasher joint PSYCHO. I mean, Vince Vaughan as Norman Bates? Please! Anne Heche as Janet Leigh? Hogwash! Come to think of it, is it possible that Gus Van Sant deliberately took the project so he could, in some way, protect the original? In other words, by doing a shot-for-shot remake of Hitch's classic, was he in essence saying, look, if this movie has to be remade, I'm going to do it, no one else, and I'm going to simply mirror every technical choice the master designed back in 1960? I realize that would sort of give Van Sant too much credit for what is ultimately a terrible film, but his work is generally so supreme that the idea of self-sabotage in this case is at least worth entertaining, no?

#1. A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (2010)

I f*cking hated the remake of A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET. Saw it in theaters, came out pissed off, grunting in anger, mainly for the gross miscasting of Jackie Earle Haley. Really good actor, but really wrong for the iconic part of Freddy Krueger. And I blame Michael Bay, Platinum Dunes, and especially music video director Samuel Bayer for the decision. Dude came in, thought he could stir up some dry-ice, throw together some colorful light-gels and rock'n'roll energy, cast a bunch of talentless billboard models and call it a day. Nowhere near good enough. Not for the casual fan, and definitely not for the lifelong Freddy acolyte. Major, major disappointment!

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11:07PM on 12/26/2013
Wicker Man should definitely be number 1 and Rob Zombies Halloween should definitely be on this list. I'm going to go ahead and put the planned remakes of American Werewolf in London and The Birds on this list. Don't f@ck with the classics.
Wicker Man should definitely be number 1 and Rob Zombies Halloween should definitely be on this list. I'm going to go ahead and put the planned remakes of American Werewolf in London and The Birds on this list. Don't f@ck with the classics.
Your Reply:



+1
3:40PM on 12/01/2013
Seriously, no "the Fog"?
Seriously, no "the Fog"?
Your Reply:



12:50PM on 12/01/2013

Is it a remake?

Not saying its great, I just felt that with its recap of the series and 0 change to the mythos, that it was just another film in the series with a new studio and production house.
Not saying its great, I just felt that with its recap of the series and 0 change to the mythos, that it was just another film in the series with a new studio and production house.
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+3
10:29PM on 11/30/2013
I liked "House on Haunted Hill" ...
I liked "House on Haunted Hill" ...
Your Reply:



3:35PM on 11/30/2013

Enjoyed this

never got all the hate for this flick, hell the original isnt even sacred. The franchise was fast, trashy and fun something this remake achieved for me.
never got all the hate for this flick, hell the original isnt even sacred. The franchise was fast, trashy and fun something this remake achieved for me.
Your Reply:



12:18PM on 11/30/2013
I barely remember this film. I own it too lol!!!
I barely remember this film. I own it too lol!!!
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+4
9:34AM on 11/30/2013

agree to disagree

I agree with all choices (I absolutely hated the Wicker Man) except Halloween. I think the backstory was a good addition to the film. I enjoyed some of his cut-away filming in it. However it would have been a much better film without him casting his wife. The woman can't act.
I agree with all choices (I absolutely hated the Wicker Man) except Halloween. I think the backstory was a good addition to the film. I enjoyed some of his cut-away filming in it. However it would have been a much better film without him casting his wife. The woman can't act.
Your Reply:



2:03AM on 12/02/2013
I agree. I tortured myself, by sitting through Sherri Moon's 'Lords of Salem' in it's entirety. One of the most awful movies, I have ever seen.
I agree. I tortured myself, by sitting through Sherri Moon's 'Lords of Salem' in it's entirety. One of the most awful movies, I have ever seen.
+3
8:35AM on 11/30/2013
I think many miss the point of this. It was a fairly interesting exercise in updating the original. I seem to remember an interview from Gus Van Sant saying so. He wanted to experiment and see what the result of such a shot for shot in modern times with colour etc... and if it would be successful and translate as well. Not saying that should make anyone like it but maybe understand a bit more why it was made.
I think many miss the point of this. It was a fairly interesting exercise in updating the original. I seem to remember an interview from Gus Van Sant saying so. He wanted to experiment and see what the result of such a shot for shot in modern times with colour etc... and if it would be successful and translate as well. Not saying that should make anyone like it but maybe understand a bit more why it was made.
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1:59PM on 12/01/2013
He did go on record back then saying he hated remakes. So he just did the exact same thing with a modern twist.
He did go on record back then saying he hated remakes. So he just did the exact same thing with a modern twist.
+1
8:30AM on 11/30/2013

Not to be all pedantic but....

Isn't this a sequel rather than remake? It continues the story and characters from the original.
While not amazing and certainly cheesy I had fun with this. Could have been better could have been much much worse IMO.
Isn't this a sequel rather than remake? It continues the story and characters from the original.
While not amazing and certainly cheesy I had fun with this. Could have been better could have been much much worse IMO.
Your Reply:



8:00AM on 11/30/2013
I wouldn't say A Nightmare on Elm Street remake is bad. You want bad remake? Try The Fog remake. Now that's a bad remake.
I wouldn't say A Nightmare on Elm Street remake is bad. You want bad remake? Try The Fog remake. Now that's a bad remake.
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7:59AM on 11/30/2013
I treat this movie as just a companion piece to the original Psycho.
I treat this movie as just a companion piece to the original Psycho.
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7:58AM on 11/30/2013
The only good thing about this movie is Alexandra Daddario.
The only good thing about this movie is Alexandra Daddario.
Your Reply:



7:57AM on 11/30/2013
Starts out promising but turns out to be so bland.
Starts out promising but turns out to be so bland.
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7:56AM on 11/30/2013
Abysmal.
Abysmal.
Your Reply:



7:55AM on 11/30/2013
This movie isn't that bad.
This movie isn't that bad.
Your Reply:



10:19PM on 11/29/2013
Where are movies like texas chainsaw massacre and amityville horror. These were really bad remakes. Not halloween which was probally one of the best remakes
Where are movies like texas chainsaw massacre and amityville horror. These were really bad remakes. Not halloween which was probally one of the best remakes
Your Reply:



7:51PM on 11/29/2013
The example of lazy.
The example of lazy.
Your Reply:



7:50PM on 11/29/2013
A prime reason not to hire a music video director to direct a horror movie.
A prime reason not to hire a music video director to direct a horror movie.
Your Reply:



7:46PM on 11/29/2013
It was like a LifeTime original movie.
It was like a LifeTime original movie.
Your Reply:



7:45PM on 11/29/2013
I barely remember this movie except Danielle Panabaker and Julianna Guill.
I barely remember this movie except Danielle Panabaker and Julianna Guill.
Your Reply:



+10
6:33PM on 11/29/2013

DARK WATER - 2/10; HAUNTING - 3/10; WICKER MAN - 1/10.

But you know which ones I gave a 0, and therefore, I think should be on the list? THE FOG and ONE MISSED CALL.
But you know which ones I gave a 0, and therefore, I think should be on the list? THE FOG and ONE MISSED CALL.
Your Reply:



+4
6:31PM on 11/29/2013
I pretty much just treated it as another sequel.
I pretty much just treated it as another sequel.
Your Reply:



-1
5:47PM on 11/29/2013

FT13 Remake was great

The FT13 remake/reboot was awesome. Good nudity, well shot, had a great hue to it. Jared Padalecki used to live in my building here in Vancouver and when I told him I loved the remake he was surprised and stoked at the same time. Really nice guy.
The FT13 remake/reboot was awesome. Good nudity, well shot, had a great hue to it. Jared Padalecki used to live in my building here in Vancouver and when I told him I loved the remake he was surprised and stoked at the same time. Really nice guy.
Your Reply:



3:56PM on 11/29/2013
No "Black Christmas" or "When A Stranger Calls"? Those are two of the absolute worst. I'd take 'The Wicker Man" out as that's actually a comedy classic.
No "Black Christmas" or "When A Stranger Calls"? Those are two of the absolute worst. I'd take 'The Wicker Man" out as that's actually a comedy classic.
Your Reply:



2:20PM on 11/29/2013
Have to agree with number one but completely disagree with F13 remake and Zombie's Halloween remake being on here.
Have to agree with number one but completely disagree with F13 remake and Zombie's Halloween remake being on here.
Your Reply:



2:17PM on 11/29/2013
I totally agree with the list, though Prom Night would have been further up the list because it is a slasher rated PG-13. Bullshit. Halloween was terrible. And while I did enjoy the Friday the 13th reboot, I could never quite overlook the horrid misstep in having Jason hold a victim captive.
I totally agree with the list, though Prom Night would have been further up the list because it is a slasher rated PG-13. Bullshit. Halloween was terrible. And while I did enjoy the Friday the 13th reboot, I could never quite overlook the horrid misstep in having Jason hold a victim captive.
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6:11PM on 11/30/2013
I also enjoyed the Friday reboot for the most part. It has it's issues, but Jason holding the girl captive is NOT one of them for me. The only reason he did it was because she was wearing the pendant with Mrs. Voorhees picture in it that her boyfriend even said looked like her and that she should keep it. This is totally something I can see Jason the "frightened retard" with his mommy issues doing. If he was just holding a random girl or guy prisoner for no reason, yes, that would be stupid,
I also enjoyed the Friday reboot for the most part. It has it's issues, but Jason holding the girl captive is NOT one of them for me. The only reason he did it was because she was wearing the pendant with Mrs. Voorhees picture in it that her boyfriend even said looked like her and that she should keep it. This is totally something I can see Jason the "frightened retard" with his mommy issues doing. If he was just holding a random girl or guy prisoner for no reason, yes, that would be stupid, but his made sense for his character to do and I could have totally seen and been ok with something like this happening in one of the earlier Friday installments before Jason became zombified.
2:14PM on 11/29/2013

Sorry, but ...

There's some stuff mentioned here that just don't agree with. I don't think the Friday remake belongs on here. I used to hate the Halloween remake more than I do now, as I've now grown to appreciate for what it is. I also am a fan of the 03 TCM remake so the jab at that I feel is unwarranted.

Beyond all that, any list like this without the 06 Black Christmas remake near the top is flawed, null and void!
There's some stuff mentioned here that just don't agree with. I don't think the Friday remake belongs on here. I used to hate the Halloween remake more than I do now, as I've now grown to appreciate for what it is. I also am a fan of the 03 TCM remake so the jab at that I feel is unwarranted.

Beyond all that, any list like this without the 06 Black Christmas remake near the top is flawed, null and void!
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2:11PM on 11/29/2013
People shit on this remake/reboot. I didn't mind it and had quite a fun time seeing this in theaters.
People shit on this remake/reboot. I didn't mind it and had quite a fun time seeing this in theaters.
Your Reply:



+2
2:09PM on 11/29/2013

...

Big time DIShonorable mention goes to the following remakes: THE FOG, WHEN A STRANGER CALLS, CARRIE, THE OMEN, I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE, THIR13EN GHOSTS, APRIL FOOLS DAY, DAY OF THE DEAD, BLACK CHRISTMAS, THE AMITYVILLE HORROR and I'm sure many more. Help us out!
Big time DIShonorable mention goes to the following remakes: THE FOG, WHEN A STRANGER CALLS, CARRIE, THE OMEN, I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE, THIR13EN GHOSTS, APRIL FOOLS DAY, DAY OF THE DEAD, BLACK CHRISTMAS, THE AMITYVILLE HORROR and I'm sure many more. Help us out!
Your Reply:



+1
1:37PM on 11/29/2013
Some of the movies listed shouldn't of been on this list as the reasoning seems to be a little biased as there are much worse for remakes out there. As for Nightmare on Elm Street (and I am also being bias with this movie) it definitely deserves the number one spot in my books for worst remake so I completely agree with Jake. I have never been so disappointed in my life with a horror movie. There is " Quick Buck" written all over this movie. But if I was to make an Unbiased opinion for the
Some of the movies listed shouldn't of been on this list as the reasoning seems to be a little biased as there are much worse for remakes out there. As for Nightmare on Elm Street (and I am also being bias with this movie) it definitely deserves the number one spot in my books for worst remake so I completely agree with Jake. I have never been so disappointed in my life with a horror movie. There is " Quick Buck" written all over this movie. But if I was to make an Unbiased opinion for the number one spot that would be Prom Night, I cannot think of one thing this movie succeeds in. They should be embarrassed from what crap they gave us.
Your Reply:



12:39PM on 11/29/2013
'Halloween' should be in the no. 1 spot. Some of these movies are merely bland, whereas the 'Halloween' remake was almost aggressive in its bare-faced stupidity.
'Halloween' should be in the no. 1 spot. Some of these movies are merely bland, whereas the 'Halloween' remake was almost aggressive in its bare-faced stupidity.
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10:52AM on 11/29/2013

Crap movie

Plus I think that picture is from a different film, Bereavement maybe/
Plus I think that picture is from a different film, Bereavement maybe/
Your Reply:



11:22AM on 11/29/2013
Yes, that's definitely from Bereavement. I saw it just a few weeks ago and I distinctly remember the performance of Alexandra's breasts in every scene.
Yes, that's definitely from Bereavement. I saw it just a few weeks ago and I distinctly remember the performance of Alexandra's breasts in every scene.

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