THE "COUGH COUGH" STORY A sour-pussed Loki (played by the sour-pussed Richard Grieco) destroys Vahalla and Odin (Kevin Nash, grunting) with the help of his cute dragon monsters, while a whining ninny named Thor (Cody Deal) practically allows it all to happen with his buffoonery. Soon after, both are transported to Los Angeles (a.k.a. a downtown parking lot) and take their battle to the streets.
One thing you've got to hand it to the Asylum for is this: They waste no time getting their movies started. Not unlike BATTLE OF LOS ANGELES, ALMIGHTY THOR simply begins in the middle of the action and keeps going from there. In a sense, you could even make the argument that it's "action-packed", because there's precious little time for the filmmakers to worry about characters or a sensible storyline. They know the movie-going public (or at least the Syfy channel watchers among us) wants their crappy CG monsters and ham-fisted, awkward fight sequences, and they want them now. Naturally, the fight sequences are pretty much contained to Thor and Loki struggling with one another (though Loki will often disappear right when Thor is about to hit him, which gives us the amusing sight of Thor swinging and missing) while the demon hounds attack a city that evidently consists of a dozen people. So pretty much par for the Asylum course.
Sure, Thor, just pick on a random crazed hobo in an alleyw- oh my god that's Richard Grieco!
ARE YOU SERIOUS?: The Asylum always plays it straight, and that's the case here. Grieco in particular looks so serious you'd think he's attending a funeral. Considering the state of his career, I suppose he is.
MONSTER 411: The creatures in ALMIGHTY THOR are Lindwurms, sort of dragon puppies that raise a lot of hell and have a complex understanding with Loki. Their movements aren't quite as dodgy as you've come to expect from the visual effects wizards who regularly bring The Asylum's monsters to life, but the CG still hardly has any semblance to actually being, you know, good.
Hopefully this is what Paris Hilton's next dog will look like...
PAYCHECK ACTING: I'm sincerely curious to know how much Grieco received for his time here. Judging by his moody demeanor, a general grumpiness mixed with what appears to be a heroin-induced stupor, it wasn't very much. Meanwhile, The Rock should not feel threatened by Kevin Nash's acting skills; the wrestler's eye-bugged performance as Odin most likely isn't going to aid a transition to big-screen stardom.
HOE DOWN: Patricia Velasquez is in the house! Certainly you remember Patricia; she was in the first two MUMMY movies! Here Patricia plays the warrior gal Jarnsaxa (rolls right off the tongue), who admirably deals with the ridiculous Thor as he moans and acts up. She's more of a babysitter than anything, which makes it extra creepy when the two share an uncomfortable kiss. *shudder*
The Asylum Fall collection for ladies - Coming Soon!
WRAP UP: If you don't mind the fact that ALMIGHTY THOR is predominantly set in an alleyway, or the repetitive nature of its action sequences, there's definitely some fun to be found in this Asylum effort. It'll be catnip for fans of cheesy acting (there really isn't a single average-good performance to be found here) and the production company's loyal followers won't have a thing to complain about. That said, I'd love it if someone actually took a real crack at THOR one day. A man can dream...
RATING: 1 out of 4
SO BAD IT'S GOOD RATING 3 out of 4