Last Updated on July 27, 2021
Not many folks are too thrilled when they bite the big one (if you’re looking forward to it then get help), but the reality is that human life is fragile and can end in a multitude of ways. And just by the law of averages, a lot of those deaths are going to take place on Halloween.
So, if you absolutely, positively have to die on All Hallows Eve, what’s the best way to go? Now I’m not counting peacefully in your sleep or while banging a supermodel as answers because we’re looking for options that are seasonally appropriate AND within the realm of possibility.
What makes the grade is the kinda death that makes up for how much it sucks that it happened at all, by creating a “Holy shite that’s kinda cool” reaction when people see you died of that on or about October 31st.
And I’d love to hear how you want to go out if it has to happen this time of year!
This is a fun one, because quite frankly, if you’re enough of a jackass to be out performing Satanic rites, you’re pretty likely to get yourself killed earlier than the average bear anyway – and in a Darwin Award winning kinda way. So why not go out with some sort of flaming pentagram, sacrificial chicken, hooded society stunt. Of course if you really do manage to summon the Dark One or some of his managers, then we’ve got Hellraiser and plenty others to help us decipher what happened to you by what’s left of your body.
OK. so you most probably die through this experience by falling through rotten floor boards, or stepping on a rusty nail and getting tetanus. But you still technically died as the result of visiting a haunted house which is admittedly fairly cool. Pretty much any old, scary, abandoned property (i.e. haunted) is a walking death trap. So if you want to have a great story for others to tell at your funeral, other than how your lame ass idea about scaring your chick into sleeping with you didn’t work, this option has a lot of merit.
Some of you didn’t even blink, some of you immediately thought, “But there are no monsters.” No matter how you come down on the legitimacy of werewolves, vampires and the like, there are still plenty of real world monsters that will happily turn your bony ass into a buffet. Alligators, sharks, lions, komodo dragons (that’s right – dragon), pythons, etc. If you don’t consider there monsters, then you’re either too hard-core or too stupid for me to argue with. These might be tough deaths to happen upon, but if you do, what a great epitaph!
We live in a world where a lot of people have serious problems. Some of those problems involve the desire to kill lots of people. So while the Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees myths are unlikely to occur, we do see the opportunity to catch some sort of nasty blade induced death in just about any part of the world. The only caveat to this is that some gangs have started macheting people. That’s a real bummer for the machete, because honestly, who wants to die from a lousy gang hit?
We’ve all been on that edge at some point. Drunk, or horny, or just plain stupid enough to almost get it on with that chick that we know is a little too bent even for our low personal standards. The one who slashes ex-boyfriends tires, likes to bite a bit too hard, and thinks that holding a knife to your genitals is foreplay. Yeah, she’s super hot, which is why dudes coddled her enough to let her get this far out of bounds, but the plain fact is you cannot sleep with this girl. If you do, you’re done. But it’s hard to argue with any death that comes about as a result of some really hot sex, and that you definitely got before the end.
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