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Amityville 3D (1983)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Richard Fleischer

Starring:
Tony Roberts/John
Tess Harper/Nancy
Robert Joy/Elliot
Candy Clark/Melanie
PLOT-CRUNCH
A divorced writer (from a ball busting bitch), moves into the famed Long Island pad to write the all American Novel. Peeps come in his house, peeps die due to his house…we have giggle fits or get hit by “black outs” throughout. Check please!
THE LOWDOWN
And that’s that on that! All the best, love and kisses! The first two Amityville flicks were creepy and efficient exercises in haunted fun and now here comes this second sequel to piss on the parade. No wonder the franchise went straight to video after that! Here are 13 really good reasons as to why you should avoid this tramp like the STDTLH (Sexually- Transmitted – Diseases – Through – Lousy – Horror) that it is. Just because I had to suffer; doesn’t mean you do!

1- There’s no freaking story here! The house is haunted and mooks from all over come in, walk around, call out people’s name and eventually get nixed out. Think a bad slasher film but with a house as opposed to a phallic knife branding killer.

2- The film is stupider than this review! For example; you ever see a tiny Bic lighter FULLY LIGHT what was once a pitch black room? Yes? No? Who gives a shit? Well you will here! For f*ck sakes what kind oil did that lighter sport…NUCLEAR? COME ON! And that was just the tip of the Q-Tip!

3- Most of the kills were choppily shot/edited with cruddy Fisher Price special effects backing them up. The age old milk in my fridge is scarier than the BLAH in this wreck!

4- Why didn’t the characters “FEEL” anything genuine? For example; somebody loses a person dear to him/her. Does he/she cry? No. Not even once? Not ONE freaking tear! I guess he/she didn’t give a crap…hence…WHY SHOULD I???

5- The teens in this flick drove me mad! Look! We’re crazy kids, we’re wild and reckless…lets do something nuts…like have a threesome? NO! Steal a car! NO!!! Play Ouija in daddy’s house in broad daylight…YES…BOOOOOOOORING!

6- The gate to hell leads to…a duder in a dime store rubber monster suit…brrr…I’m scared…aren’t you?
7- For some reason, everybody and their uncle’s bastard child owns a key to the lead’s house and have no problem, entering his pad to do whatever they want when he’s not around. People man…no class…

8- The lead character disappears for the middle section of the film. Whose story was this again? Who was I supposed to root for? Who knows! So I rooted for the house to take them all out ASAP!

9- Watch out for those quick elevators; they’ll make you look like your standing on a chair with the back of your head kissing the ceiling…I.E. you’ll look like a MORON doing a badly staged “stunt” piece. RIDICULOUS!

10- Show me one sympathetic or/and likeable character in this film and I’ll give you a pink balloon. The whole cast should’ve died within the first 10 minutes to make way for the creepy house to stand there for an hour and 20 minutes. That would’ve made for a more engaging watch.

11- The pinnacle of fear set pieces in this turd was a well oiled smoke machine and a wall that moved by itself to then do…ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! ZZZZzzzzzzzzzz

12- They actually had the balls to mention the DeFeo killings (which really happened) in this totally fictional and idiotic exercise…felt like a slap in the face to the surviving DeFeo family members. Poor them, for having to be name dropped in a trashy movie such as this one. 

13- Flies buzzing for an hour and half = me snoring for an hour and half.

Was there anything worthy in this barrel of dead monkeys? Well I did laugh un-intentionally a lot, dug the “haunted pictures” idea, felt that the house was eerily shot and grooved to seeing a young Meg Ryan “Ryanning” away. Other than that I’d rather masturbate with a drill then have to endure this atrocity ever again. Take the house down and build Condos…it be over!
GORE
Other than the disgusting acting on display, this sad sack put out some crappy “flies eat face” effect and some crappier burn effects.
ACTING
Tony Roberts (John) was the better actor here and looked like a Jewish Will Ferrell. Nice Afro on that mofo! Tess Harper (Nancy) read her lines in a peeved manner throughout, I wanted to smash her face into a concrete wall every time she popped up. Robert Joy (Elliot) did what he had to well. Candy Clark (Melanie) did a lot of funny “look at me I’m acting” faces for the camera; often provoking laughter from within the Zoo that are my pants. Lori Loughlin (Susan Baxter) was credible in her role while it was great to see a Pre-Botox Meg Ryan (Lisa) do her cutesy thing.
T & A
The house was naked; nice roof on that bitch!
DIRECTING
Think a TV movie of the week but inept. Apart from some occasional potent bleak mood, Fleischer had no grasp on this puppy, failing when it came to tension, pacing or lighting for that matter! In his defense, the script he had to work with sucked and his actors were mostly flatter than RuPaul.
SOUNDTRACK
Howard Blake delivered an adequate score that sadly failed in boosting up the “fear factor” of the proceedings.
BOTTOM LINE
This under-written, under directed, badly acted and stale as 100 year old used condom sequel can kiss my 12 Gauge! If it wasn’t for all the un-intentional laughter; I would’ve flushed that DVD down my toilet right along with Jeffrey Dahmer’s severed head (and I don’t mean the one on his shoulder). See it if you’re in the mood for a well earned nap, see it if you want to poke fun at it, see it if you’re drunk beyond belief… or better yet…don’t see it. Rent the first two instead. GET OUT…indeed!
BULL'S EYE
Richard Fleischer also directed Soylent Green and the dissapointing (to me anyways) Conan The Destroyer and Red Sonja.

The disclaimer at the end of the credits reads: "This film is not a sequel to The Amityville Horror or Amityville II: The Possession". Oh no? What is it then? An episode of Three's Company? Urg...

No the VHS and the DVD are NOT in 3D...unless you drink a lot before hand.

READ THE ARROW'S REVIEW OF AMITYVILLE HORROR HERE

 READ THE ARROW'S REVIEW OF AMITYVILLE 2 HERE

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3:52AM on 07/12/2007

turdfest

If this so-called movie hadn't come for free when I purchased the second part, I would be pissed off senseless. Too bad also that I took the ballsy path of watching it without checking the Arrow first... It could have spared me one hour and a half of a complete junk and times-a-wastin' session.
If this so-called movie hadn't come for free when I purchased the second part, I would be pissed off senseless. Too bad also that I took the ballsy path of watching it without checking the Arrow first... It could have spared me one hour and a half of a complete junk and times-a-wastin' session.
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