Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood (2004)
Director: Dwight H. Little
Salli Richardson Whitfield/Gale
A group of researchers (i.e. bad actors) hire some dude with six -pack abs and a dingy boat to get them down a river in search of some â€śfountain of youthâ€ť Tulip or something of the like (Iâ€™m already bored). On their trek, they occasionally encounter big, horny (Iâ€™m not kidding) anacondas that wind up gobbling some of them for dinner. Roll credits.
Why this tepid offering didnâ€™t go straight to video where it clearly belonged is beyond the anaconda trapped in the cave that are my Khakis. But here it is anyway, the sequel youâ€™ve all been waiting for with party hats on: Anacondas. Thereâ€™s not much to say reallyâ€¦this flick looked, farted, acted and mowed the lawn like a sluggish straight to video, low budget sequel. Iâ€™ll attempt to expandâ€¦
First off, the screenplay was devoid of any creativity whatsoever with the plot being formulaic to a freaking â€śTâ€™. So forget getting bamboozled by the storyline on any level. I saw all of the twists and turns coming from galaxies far, far away. Then, there was the cast which was mostly all about irritating stereotypes with bad acting reeking up the joint like a dead lay hung up to dry for too long. So that was that on that for caring about anybody. And I wonâ€™t even address the bothersome yelping monkey that polluted this movie! Ooops, I just did! 'Nuff said on him. Furthermore, the whole movie was low on action, low on cheese and high on bla-bla and seriousness. How did that happen? Now if I wouldâ€™ve given two shits about the filmâ€™s substance, maybe that might've somewhat justified the endless yapping. But as-is, I just wanted to take a nap and dream of Jeannie.
This snakeâ€™s biggest sin though was its total lack of gore and its low count of horror shenanigans. I mean, why go see a movie called Anacondas? For the finer points in human psychology? To discover the meaning of life? AT ALL! You go to enjoy dumb-ass characters get their dumb-ass heads clusterf*cked by humongous snakes. I didnâ€™t get close to enough of that sweet jive to warrant this sit down. I actually wouldâ€™ve forgiven the bland story and the â€śI want to kill themâ€ť players if the goods wouldâ€™ve been present! COME ON! And to make matters worse, when we actually got to see the damn â€śshlong beastsâ€ť, they looked like cheapo, under the counter free X-Mas CG gifts. The original Anaconda mixed CG and practical, so at least the evil-wangs appeared tight half the time. Here, I guess they didnâ€™t have the coin, so the snakes looked like any other tacky CG beasties that youâ€™ve already witnessed in say "Python", "Boa" or "Long Dong Silverâ€™s Adventures". BUGH!
On the slight upside, yes...there were like two "okay" shock moments (the first kill was groovy), one slick stunt (the waterfall bit) and some cheap laughs (loved the references to the first film). But all in all, this sequel just never strayed far enough from the first film to offer anything new, never ran with its unique ideas to stimulate (the snakes didnâ€™t look bigger to me) and didnâ€™t have the budget to give me worthy eye-candy. Result: it was a waste of my time! Iâ€™ve already seen this opus done right and it starred Jon Voight, Kari Wuhrer and a snake that gobbled up people and vomited them back out! SUCK ON THIS ANACONDA!
We get some light blood, a self stitch job and a mangled corpseâ€¦.thatâ€™s itâ€¦.ZZZzzzz.
Johnny Messner (Bill) had the look and the body for the role, but his delivery was often â€śoffâ€ť so he came across as a low rent Hugh Jackman. Morris Chestnut (Gordon) handled himself well and cashed that check like a man on a mission to pay for his new car. KaDee Strickland (Sam) did what she could with what she was given. Nice ass on that ostrich! Matthew Marsden (Jack) was maddening as the sniveling Britâ€¦.beatings crossed my mind. Salli Richardson Whitfield (Gale) grated the crap out of me in her â€śIâ€™m always pissed offâ€ť roleâ€¦severe beatings crossed my mind. Although Eugene Burd (Cole) gave a good performance and made me laugh a few times, the type of role he was playing (whining, pussy-ass â€śdawgâ€ť comic relief) aggravated the crap out of meâ€¦random and blind beatings crossed my mind.
T & A
We get ladies in thin t-shirts/tops. The females get Johnny Messner going â€śbeefcakeâ€ť shirtless and some other dudes in tank tops. Rent porn!
Dwight H. Little did a serviceable job behind the camera, but apart from a couple of â€śmoney shotsâ€ť the whole felt very â€śby the numbersâ€ť. Then again, so was every other element in this criminally uninspired film.
We get a typical score, nothing over which to kill innocent bystanders.
This flick was flatter than that chick I kicked out of my house last night (itâ€™s called â€śmy laundryâ€ťâ€¦do itâ€¦just kiddingâ€¦) Between that yapping moron sitting behind me in the theater and the â€śwhateverâ€ť spiel that was unraveling in front of me on the screen, I canâ€™t say that I got much from my big screen "Anacondas" experience. It delivered exactly what the original put out, but with less laughs, less gore, less action, less cheese, less thrills and less snakes. Whatâ€™s the damn point? Itâ€™s called "Anacondas"! It should equal dumb, gory fun...NOT a safe and stale episode of Relic Hunter! I say, see the first one again instead, itâ€™s the same thing but at least itâ€™s got Kari Wuhrerâ€™s bouncy melons, lots of plasma and itâ€™s actually amusing. Or better yet go to the Mistress of the Week section and treat your Anaconda to a Tittie-Snack!
The flick was shot in Fiji.
In reality, there are no anaconda snakes in Borneo.
Dwight H. Little is known to genre fans for having directed the great "Halloween 4" and the kool Robert Englund flick "Phantom of the Opera".