ARROW IN THE HEAD REVIEWS

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Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood (2004)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Dwight H. Little

Starring:
Johnny Messner/Bill
KaDee Strickland/Sam
Matthew Marsden/Jack
Salli Richardson Whitfield/Gale
PLOT-CRUNCH
A group of researchers (i.e. bad actors) hire some dude with six -pack abs and a dingy boat to get them down a river in search of some “fountain of youth” Tulip or something of the like (I’m already bored). On their trek, they occasionally encounter big, horny (I’m not kidding) anacondas that wind up gobbling some of them for dinner. Roll credits.
THE LOWDOWN
Why this tepid offering didn’t go straight to video where it clearly belonged is beyond the anaconda trapped in the cave that are my Khakis. But here it is anyway, the sequel you’ve all been waiting for with party hats on: Anacondas. There’s not much to say really…this flick looked, farted, acted and mowed the lawn like a sluggish straight to video, low budget sequel. I’ll attempt to expand…

First off, the screenplay was devoid of any creativity whatsoever with the plot being formulaic to a freaking “T’. So forget getting bamboozled by the storyline on any level. I saw all of the twists and turns coming from galaxies far, far away. Then, there was the cast which was mostly all about irritating stereotypes with bad acting reeking up the joint like a dead lay hung up to dry for too long. So that was that on that for caring about anybody. And I won’t even address the bothersome yelping monkey that polluted this movie! Ooops, I just did! 'Nuff said on him. Furthermore, the whole movie was low on action, low on cheese and high on bla-bla and seriousness. How did that happen? Now if I would’ve given two shits about the film’s substance, maybe that might've somewhat justified the endless yapping. But as-is, I just wanted to take a nap and dream of Jeannie.

This snake’s biggest sin though was its total lack of gore and its low count of horror shenanigans. I mean, why go see a movie called Anacondas? For the finer points in human psychology? To discover the meaning of life? AT ALL! You go to enjoy dumb-ass characters get their dumb-ass heads clusterf*cked by humongous snakes. I didn’t get close to enough of that sweet jive to warrant this sit down. I actually would’ve forgiven the bland story and the “I want to kill them” players if the goods would’ve been present! COME ON! And to make matters worse, when we actually got to see the damn “shlong beasts”, they looked like cheapo, under the counter free X-Mas CG gifts. The original Anaconda mixed CG and practical, so at least the evil-wangs appeared tight half the time. Here, I guess they didn’t have the coin, so the snakes looked like any other tacky CG beasties that you’ve already witnessed in say "Python", "Boa" or "Long Dong Silver’s Adventures". BUGH!

On the slight upside, yes...there were like two "okay" shock moments (the first kill was groovy), one slick stunt (the waterfall bit) and some cheap laughs (loved the references to the first film). But all in all, this sequel just never strayed far enough from the first film to offer anything new, never ran with its unique ideas to stimulate (the snakes didn’t look bigger to me) and didn’t have the budget to give me worthy eye-candy. Result: it was a waste of my time! I’ve already seen this opus done right and it starred Jon Voight, Kari Wuhrer and a snake that gobbled up people and vomited them back out! SUCK ON THIS ANACONDA!
GORE
We get some light blood, a self stitch job and a mangled corpse….that’s it….ZZZzzzz.
ACTING
Johnny Messner (Bill) had the look and the body for the role, but his delivery was often “off” so he came across as a low rent Hugh Jackman. Morris Chestnut (Gordon) handled himself well and cashed that check like a man on a mission to pay for his new car. KaDee Strickland (Sam) did what she could with what she was given. Nice ass on that ostrich! Matthew Marsden (Jack) was maddening as the sniveling Brit….beatings crossed my mind. Salli Richardson Whitfield (Gale) grated the crap out of me in her “I’m always pissed off” role…severe beatings crossed my mind. Although Eugene Burd (Cole) gave a good performance and made me laugh a few times, the type of role he was playing (whining, pussy-ass “dawg” comic relief) aggravated the crap out of me…random and blind beatings crossed my mind.
T & A
We get ladies in thin t-shirts/tops. The females get Johnny Messner going “beefcake” shirtless and some other dudes in tank tops. Rent porn!
DIRECTING
Dwight H. Little did a serviceable job behind the camera, but apart from a couple of “money shots” the whole felt very “by the numbers”. Then again, so was every other element in this criminally uninspired film.
SOUNDTRACK
We get a typical score, nothing over which to kill innocent bystanders.
BOTTOM LINE
This flick was flatter than that chick I kicked out of my house last night (it’s called “my laundry”…do it…just kidding…) Between that yapping moron sitting behind me in the theater and the “whatever” spiel that was unraveling in front of me on the screen, I can’t say that I got much from my big screen "Anacondas" experience. It delivered exactly what the original put out, but with less laughs, less gore, less action, less cheese, less thrills and less snakes. What’s the damn point? It’s called "Anacondas"! It should equal dumb, gory fun...NOT a safe and stale episode of Relic Hunter! I say, see the first one again instead, it’s the same thing but at least it’s got Kari Wuhrer’s bouncy melons, lots of plasma and it’s actually amusing. Or better yet go to the Mistress of the Week section and treat your Anaconda to a Tittie-Snack!
BULL'S EYE
The flick was shot in Fiji.

In reality, there are no anaconda snakes in Borneo.

Dwight H. Little is known to genre fans for having directed the great "Halloween 4" and the kool Robert Englund flick "Phantom of the Opera".
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