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AVP Requiem(2007)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Colin Strause & Greg Strause

Starring:
Steven Pasquale/Dallas
Reiko Aylesworth/Kelly
Kristen Hager/Jesse
John Ortiz/Morales
4 10
PLOT-CRUNCH
A hybrid Alien/Predator creature causes a Predator ship to crash in a small Colorado hick town. Some Aliens are set loose and they wind up doing what they do best (reproduce and bust balls) while a Predator warrior drops in to clean up the mess. It's up to a horde of "I Know What You Did Last Summer" rejects to save the day... I can't believe I just wrote that... am I talking about ALIENS and PREDATOR here? Wouldn't know!
THE LOWDOWN
I enjoyed some of the original AVP (I now, I'm in the minority... story of my life). Although the flick went about it all wrong by trying to be ALIEN with shoddy dialogue/characters when it should’ve been “pow-pow” inclined ALIENS like, I still dug some of its ideas, action and visuals. After seeing the AVP 2 trailer and hearing the Brothers Krause yap about their picture, I was mucho pumped for this sequel, fairly confident that these dudes knew what they were talking about and that they would give both of these legendary film monsters justice within one film. Boy was I wrong!

AVP REQUIEM made AVP look like a freaking classic! Bold statement I know but I stand by it with every fiber of my moronic being. This follow up started on the right tail impaling, slyly launching its story immediately where AVP left off. It gave me a promising set up while showcasing a ballsy “take no prisoners” attitude. Fifteen minutes in though, it was all downhill from there. Did the peeps behind this insult even watch the PREDATOR and ALIEN movies? I know they did, due to the countless cutesy winks to both franchises throughout via audio/visual cue or lines of dialogue. Sadly they obviously didn’t get what made both franchises work: superior writing and characterization within B-Movie-ish premises. That’s why these films worked! They were down and dirty monster movies but with more smarts than you can shake an Oscar at, people you cared about, stories that hooked you in and larger than my crotch budgets!

So I nearly vomited in my own mouth when I found out that the “foes” for the Aliens and the Predator were a group of stereotypical, "yamn" teens right out of any 90’s slasher. I then DID hurl down my own yapper when the paper thin characterization, the “Teen Beat” dialogue/conflicts, the out of the mold storyline and the strawberry ice cream relationships kicked in. Who the fuck thought that having the ALIENS and the PREDATOR kick ass and take names in a "souless" DAWSON’S CREEK like setting would be a good idea? Talk about demeaning two legendary cinematic entities without flinching. WOW! Embarrassing! I didn’t think you could stoop this low when it came to mis-using these classic beasties, but  behold this film did it in a heart beat. ALIENS wrestling an “Evil Jock”? WHAAAAT? A Predator tackling a “Token Slut”? ?????? WTF is going here? We went from Sigourney Weaver and Arnie to this! Bottom of the f*cking barrel drivel! COME ON! Both franchises deserve better than that.

So, with zero investment in the characters (Boy did that cop dude suck balls or what?), by the numbers situations and relationships that left me with the action scenes to hold on to. Alas, unless overly dark, shaky cam heavy and fairly “meh” staged action get-downs talks to ya, you’re shit all out of luck much like I was, when i was wasting away in that theatre seat like Paris Hilton without a rod to suckle on. Nothing to see here! MOVE ON! Dismissive was the word and Arrow Sucks were the other words. Now I’ll give the film this; when I saw them, the Predator and Alien designs were pretty bang on, the gorgeous aerial shots tight, the money was onscreen and I did get random kicks out of a couple of the gory gags/Predator moments, but other than that, nobody was home to bang MY MOM! Tag to that plot holes galore, a boring use of the "alien" creatures and a failure in capitalizing on its new unique environment (earth that is… wouldn’t know it was set there though) and you get a stinker that stinks more that a 2 week old, unwashed twat, that's cottage cheesing on your carpet.

Looking back at my AVP 2 experience, my whole sit down was a freaking chore. I just kept hoping the film would end so I could go on with my pathetic day already! Shit characters, shit action, shit story… that’s a lot of excrements to digest in one sitting. Big let down for me! I really thought this one was going to do this fly concept right. WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! F*ck AVP 2! A dumbed down, gooey spit on two superior horror/sci-fi series.
GORE
We get half an arm lopped off, a face melted off, chest bursting action, blown up heads, stabbings and lots of aliens getting butchered. I think the PG-13 AVP was gorier!
ACTING

NOTE: The characterization was so poor here that i have a hard time blaming the actors. Steven Pasquale (Dallas) did fine as the no-bull guy. Kristen Hager (Jesse) looked so damn hot and that's all I cared about. Johnny Lewis (Ricky) did what he could with what he was was given. Reiko Aylesworth (Kelly) made for a poor Ripley knock-off, not her fault, the whipe your ass script didn't work in her favor. John Ortiz (Morales) didn't sell me, to be fair the inane characterization and tacky lines he was stuck with didn't help.

T & A
The closest we get is Kristen Hager (Jesse) in a tiny bathing suit... too bad the top didn't drop, better than nothing I guess. That dame is hot! Arrow approved!
DIRECTING
The Strause Bros did okay when it came to atmosphere and eye popping aerial shots - tension was nil though, their actions scenes were flatter than Joan Jett and mucho unmemorable - no good since this flick is well... driven by action!
SOUNDTRACK
The score by Brian Tyler did a fine job at referencing both the ALIEN and PREDATOR token soundtracks - too bad it was in a lousy movie.
BOTTOM LINE
I went in AVP 2, AVP REQUIEM, AVP SELL–OUT…whatever you want to call it, WANTING to dig it. I wound up hating it with a f*cking passion. Sure the special effects were on the ball and the winks to both franchises endearing now and again, but the sad-sack stock characters, the bland storyline and the shoddy action scenes were laughable at best. They dragged both superior series in the gutter, lowering them to kiddie level. Is it so hard to do this match-up right? It’s not a Chinese puzzle over here! Slap ALIENS and PREDATORS in a compelling setting, pit them against layered/likeable human foes within an INTELLIGENT script and let the sparks fly! It's one, two, three, fun! Alas, they didn’t get it right with AVP and they made utter fools of themselves with AVP 2. Time to watch ALIENS and PREDATOR again to wash away the filth that was this movie off my noggin. AVP Requiem can kiss my white ass!
BULL'S EYE
The film was shot in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.

This was the Brothers Strause first feature film.

You notice that the shot of Reiko Aylesworth firing that big mounted gun in the trailer is not in the film?

Shane Salerno who wrote the screenplay also wrote the SHAFT remake and the totally unnessary upcoming remake of the Charles Bronson classic The Mechanic

FUCK THE AVP REQUIEM SITE UP THE ASS HERE