Blood Surf (2000)
Director: James D.R. Hickox
Two surfer dudes, a TV producer and some camera-chick head to a shark infested island so they can film the surfers ride amongst the sharks (brilliant idea, guys). But what they don’t know is that a giant rubber looking CGI enhanced crocodile is also hanging 10 around the island…and he’s hungry.
I slapped this bad boy into my VCR expecting a big hunk of pleasant crap that would make me smile. Did I get it? Well, on the upside the flick’s first 10 minutes is a riot. We get some gnarly surfing sequences, some nice locations (the Philippine beach looks awesome), lots of tit shots (we even get a love scene that looks like it's straight out of some Playboy video), some laughs (Joel West is hilarious) and a groovy score. The film worked when it stuck to the blood surfing and the female tit stuff but it wasn't long before the other shoe dropped.
First off, some bland crocodile kills are slapped in. Can you say "boring munching"? It takes more than fake blood bubbling to the surface to get my shit hard. Then, it's the script. Having exhausted its main premise, it decides to wander off in DUMB-ARSE territory by adding some pirates into the mix (I hate pirates in movies) and a vengeful sea captain pretending to be Quint from "Jaws"; he has the same MO and attitude. That makes for the bulk of the film and it’s boooring. Talk about killing an energetic opening! The wandering plot line made me lose interest in the situation big time! To make matters worse, the crocodile eventually gets more screen time and well; he looks like crapola. How can I be interested in a creature that looks like a cardboard box painted green on 4 wheels? He makes the snake in "Python" look state-of-the-art and that’s quite a feat.
So is this flick worth seeing? Only on booze and with a bunch of friends, I can’t stress the word “ONLY” enough. If I had been intoxicated, I might have appreciated the bad effects, the bad character turns, the vine swinging (what???), the horny pirates, the crappy dialogue, the off pace, the way ridiculous demise of the croc (yeah, right!) and that howler of a one-liner (two chicks flash their tits at the crock telling him to go fuck himself and then one girl says they should stop “crock teasing” him…yep, you heard me). Intoxicated, I might have kept my smile. Crack open many bottles, start guzzling and call up some friends fast! You’ll need all the help you can get to survive this one!
Too cheap-looking to affect us either way. Lots of fake blood, a few cheapo looking cadavers, some people being chewed in the FAKE crocodile’s mouth and even a man ripped in half (looked pretty silly to me). The crocs fake looking appearance definitely diminished the impact of most of the kills and the gore. The film also has the worst effect piece I have ever seen (the crocs first big beating).
Taryn Reif (Arti) has a sweet ass, a badly developed character (what was she about anyways?) and a chest as flat as a surfboard. Kate Fisher (Cecily) lets her accent and her cleavage do ALL of the acting. Joel West (Jeremy) is so over-the-top that he’s funny. He kept me entertained. How Duncan Regehr (John) kept a straight face playing his part is beyond me. Nice work…I guess. Matt Borlenghi (Zack) plays the sleazy, money-flashing a-hole well. Dax Miller (Bog) lets his tan and his good looks surf him through the movie.
T & A
Taryn Reif shows off her "smaller than small" tits with glee. They’re aight but a bit too small for my liking. Maureen Larrazabal's purpose in this flick is to show off her toned ass and her perky melons (nice). Kate Fisher, who has the biggest rack of them all, decides to tease us and keep them in her tank top (meaning she has a better agent than the other two actresses). But the tank top does get wet on occasion. Joel West and Dax Miller both display their fitness levels and cut upper bodies for every chicks viewing pleasure.
There are some hints of style that I liked here. The slow motion, the tight flashbacks and a few good shots (totally ripped off "Jaws", btw). Hickox even gets some suspense in there (the surf/shark scene). Unfortunately, the more the movie moves forward, the more it looks and feels bland. The beautiful locations wear off and the suspense is killed by the cheapo croc. NOTE: What was up with inter-cutting a girl getting banged by some dude with the death of her parents by the crock? Was that supposed to be funny? It wasn’t to me.
A mix of Jaws wannabe theme and surf music. I dug the surf music.
DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE ALONE. The only way I can see anybody getting into this ridiculous "Jaws" rip-off is by him or her being surrounded by drunk, rowdy guys and a bunch of horny drunken girls. It’s the only way to see this lizard! If you’re thinking of watching it solo, take my advice and get the slightly better "Crocodile" instead. At least it’s director Tobe Hooper and it can be enjoyed without the need for external stimuli.
Joel West used to be a Calvin Klein model (that explains the abs).
Kate Fisher played in the critically acclaimed “Sirens”. What is she doing is this piece of crud? Get a new agent, girl!
James D.R. Hickox has a father named Douglas Hickox (who directed "Theatre Of Blood" with Vincent Price) and a big brother named Anthony Hickox (who directed "Hellraiser 3").
Duncan Regehr played Dracula in "The Monster Squad".
This film's alternate title is "Krocodylus".