Bloody Murder (2000)
Director: Ralph Portillo
A bunch of teen counselors head up to camp to prep it up for the summer season. What they donâ€™t know is that a killer wearing a hockey mask is waiting for them. When they get there he stalks them one by one. This sounds familiarâ€¦.very f--king familiarâ€¦can you spell: LAWSUIT!!!!
Shameless rip off of Friday The 13thâ€¦come on!!!! Whoever wrote this shite is begging to get sued. Get this: A boy who ALMOST drowned years back in the camp lake might be the killer. The stalker (skinny wimp) wears a hockey mask and a mechanic jumpsuit. Thereâ€™s an old nutty man who warns the kids that the killer (Trevor something) has come back for revenge. The film even tries to poke fun at its Friday The 13th similarities by naming one of the kidâ€™s Jason. I canâ€™t count how many times a character says: "Whereâ€™s Jason?" Ha Ha Haâ€¦very funny (sarcasm).
The film doesnâ€™t stop at ripping off the Friday flicks, it even tries to be trendy by slapping in a movie geek who makes "slasher" movie jokes and a "Scream" like whodunit. The difference is that here its handled with ZERO wit and ZERO intelligence.
NOTE TO MOVIE GEEK: Jason Voorhees was never buried in an old Indian burial ground. Get your facts straight beeyatch!
The script is lazy, using dumb things to drive it forward or to pad the characters: A girl forgets her camp list (got to go back by her lonesomeâ€¦duh), girl (who knows people are disappearing) insists on wandering the dark woods alone, everybody has a dead parent, everybody dated somebody in the past (love trianglesâ€¦ouuu)â€¦u see what I meanâ€¦
The dialogue doesnâ€™t help the movie either. Itâ€™s like listening to "Freddy Krueger" claw a blackboardâ€¦PAINFULâ€¦the worst dialogue Iâ€™ve heard in a whileâ€¦
The film is not scary and has no suspense. It doesnâ€™t help that the director chose to film most of the stalk scenes in daylight, which makes for a very boring look. Whatâ€™s the matter couldnâ€™t afford night-lights???
The film delivers ZERO goodsâ€¦Nathing. Even drunk it would be a bore. This flick is a pile of "poseur" bullcrap. Lets cut this oneâ€™s head and piss down its freaking throatâ€¦
Where is it at? A choppy slit throat, a fake looking stabbingâ€¦other than that itâ€™s dryer than my grandmaâ€¦.
Iâ€™ll make this easy for u guys: ALL THE ACTORS SUCK!!! All of them, no exception. Their delivery is off, some of them donâ€™t seem to know their lines, others over act and all of them are going back to "Burger King" where they belong. Want some fries with that?? NOTE: Special mention to Jessica Morris as the lead. Youâ€™re hot baby doll but please put your money where it counts: acting workshops. You couldnâ€™t carry a school playâ€¦
T & A
Let me get this straightâ€¦NONE?â€¦wait Iâ€™m hearing you right NONE!!! The film hints at a lesbian thang between Julie and Drew (or is it my dirty mind) but never goes ahead with itâ€¦TEASE!!!!
I liked one shot: The killerâ€™s reflection in a pool of bloodâ€¦thatâ€™s it. The rest is by the numbers, point and shoot, lazy arse filmmaking. I hated the directors tendency to flashback to show us what might have happenedâ€¦it felt cheap and only there to fill in the clocking time.
Some good rock ballads and an uneven score that goes from ok to putrid.
Movies like this make you realize just how good Friday The 13th and Scream are. It tries to blend both together but fails for three reasons: It has no heart, it has no brain and it has no balls. This flick is not even fun in a bad way. Jason Voorhees and Ghostface should band together, hunt down the director and show him what real SLASHING is all aboutâ€¦
Ralph Portillo is also responsible for that Corey "cocaine" Haim clunker: Fever Lake.