ARROW IN THE HEAD REVIEWS

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Catwoman (2004)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Pitof

Starring:
Halle Berry/Patience
Benjamin Bratt/Tom
Sharon Stone/Laurel
Lambert Wilson/George
4 10
PLOT-CRUNCH
Shy and badly dressed Patience Phillips (Berry) is offed and brought back to life by a CGI cat. Reborn, she becomes aggressive, dons a S&M leather outfit, cracks a CGI whip, sniffs catnip (I’m not kidding) and hunts down the baddies in all of her CGI skyscraper-hopping glory. SHOOT ME NOW AND F*CK MY WIFE (even though I’m not married)! THIS MOVIE BLOWS!
THE LOWDOWN
When the Catwoman get-up was first showcased online, I actually kind of dug it. When the trailers popped up, I thought, “Maybe...fun cheese!” But when director Pitof spat this out in an interview: “I didn't want to be too influenced by the comic book”, I knew we were in trouble. Result: although this was supposed to be based on the DC comic of the same name, don’t expect to find Selena Kyle (brilliantly played by Michelle Pfeiffer in "Batman Returns") or anything remotely resembling Catwoman’s comic book adventures, Gotham City (this one takes place in Salt Lake City i.e. Vancouver), or Catwoman’s boy-toy Batman in here. BOOOOOOOOO!

Before I start taking a healthy, warm leak in this litter box of a movie, let’s get the positive out of the way. The film’s setup actually had me thinking that it wasn’t going to be that bad of a ride. I enjoyed Pitof’s early “always on the move camera” tendencies (those aerial shots rocked), I grooved to Halle Berry’s endearing performance (and her sweet ass), I purred to its similarities to the “The Crow” and the story unraveled fast enough for me not to start thinking about having to clip my toenails later on that day. Furthermore, the Holy 5 words were put into brilliant practice throughout: Halle Berry looks damn yummy. No matter how you cut them or where you put them, those 5 words are priceless and I relished witnessing sensual Berry strut her candy-coated assets all over the map. She can whip me good and fetch me a beer any day! Meow!

All that said, the moment that one CGI cat came into play (Why not use a real cat?) at the 20-minute mark, that was all she wrote. After that, I was treated to a choppy pace, useless subplots (Why was that grating horny best friend in the mix again?), a clumsy handling of Patience/Catwoman’s potentially gripping duality and a pathetic “would be” love story. When the flick wasn’t angering with that schlop, it was insulting me with embarrassing one-liners (“It’s over time”…BARF!), idiotic set pieces (man, I wanted that kid to fall off that Ferris wheel!), an inane main threat that failed to involve me and the worst detective (Bratt) to ever grace the screen (Tom…Patience is Catwoman bro...who did you suck off to get that badge?) And what the hell was up with that extensive cat lady sequence that pitifully attempted to explain the phenomenon at hand? I didn’t need to know “why” this went down and certainly not in this tacky fashion! What a waste of precious screen time! Should’ve just taken that “The Crow” voice-over rip-off that was in the trailer and tagged it to the opening of the picture instead.

The coup de grace came in the form of Pitof over-directing to the point of me not being able to SEE most of the action scenes, R&B type music polluting my ears (just not my thing) and an overdose of CGI that had me vomiting my film school books in the aisles. Shite, half the time Catwoman moved, she was an obviously bad CG entity. Was Berry even on set during this show? LAAAAAZY! LAAAAAZY! LAAAAAZY! Overall, "Catwoman" (it should have been named Catcunt) was mostly a wreck with its sole salvation being Halle Berry’s heart-shaped and yummyliscious behind. Neuter this pussycat! She’s a waste!
GORE
We get damaged faces and Sharon Stone’s one-note acting.
ACTING
Taking into account what she was given, the sexy and (yes) talented Halle Berry (Patience) did fine. Too bad she only had half a character to play with and her one-liners often reeked of cheese. Benjamin Bratt (Tom) played Benjamin Bratt…again. Was he a CG effect too? He felt like one! Sharon Stone (Laurel) still hasn’t learned how to act…she still looks pretty good for her age though…nice legs on that Lama! Lambert Wilson (George) played the “a-hole” to a T while Alex Bornstein (Sally) had me dreaming of “chokings” and “blind beatings”. I loathe characters like this!
T & A
Halle Berry (Patience) was all sizzle via her abundant cleavage and bouncy buttocks. Thank you Halle, you made that “Oscar” proud (the Oscar in my Chinos, that is). We also get Sharon Stone displaying her luscious long legs. The ladies get a fit Benjamin Bratt shirtless.
DIRECTING
On the one paw, Pitof “pitoffed” all kinds of slick aerial shots and occasional stylish cam tricks in my face. On the other paw, he overdid it with the shaky cam effect and the way too quick, quick cuts. Hey dude…I’d like to see SOMETHING for my bucks!
SOUNDTRACK
I was half and half on the sound here. I rock and rolled to the Hoobastank tune ("Same Direction") while the score by Klaus Badelt was hit and miss. I really could’ve gone without the R&B/House-like tunes through. Is this “Catwoman” or “For Da love of Money”?
BOTTOM LINE
I’m still waiting for a “real” Catwoman movie! This enema was a sluggish, big-budgeted, studio embarrassment and should be used as an example as how NOT to make a movie, yet alone a freaking comic book adaptation. Too far from its comic book roots to please Catwoman fans, too dim-witted to be amusing, too sloppy to be engaging and too “Atari” CG heavy to have any kind of impact, this wet twat only had one thing going for it: yup, you guessed it...Halle Berry’s tight body. If you have to watch this amateurish effort, I recommend you never take your eyes off that fine tuned “Berry” flavored derriere...let yourself be hypnotized by it. Your brain and your sanity might just survive it all. The only question that remains is that if I see this movie messed up out of my wits...will I enjoy it on a "so bad, it's good" level? In due time, a bottle of Jack and the DVD will answer that. JoBlo, mark your calendar...you'll be coming over to my pad for this as well. I'll need back-up, man!
BULL'S EYE
Michael Masse played a villain here. He was also a bad guy (Funboy) in "The Crow".

The Catwoman project came up due to Michelle Pfeiffer’s amazing performance in "Batman Returns". She eventually bailed on the project and Sean Young, Ashley Judd and Nicole Kidman were all considered for the role at some point. I would’ve given the part to Rosie O'Donnell.

Pitof has only one other film to his credit, the French "Vidocq".

Halle Berry has expressed the desire to don the Catwoman costume again for a sequel. I’d like her to don that outfit in my living room.

Berry’s ex-beau Eric Benet is officially the stupidest man on earth for cheating on her. What’s wrong with you, man? Maybe he was cheating with guys…dumb ass!
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