Christina's House (1999)
Director: Gavin Wilding
Seventeen year old (looks more like 30) Christina (Lange) lives with her nutso dad (Savage) and doofus younger brother (Stewart) in a new house. But an intruder is also hiding in the house. He likes to plant cookies, notes and commit the occasional murder. Who is this person and why doesn’t he/she get a freaking life? Enter Christina’s House to find out..
Wow, I haven’t seen a stinker like this in eons! "Christina’s House" is by far the worst movie I have seen this year. Everything about this flick sucks so hard! I guess I’ll start with the characters. The characters are all caricatures and are hardly developed. The lead (Lange) is shamefully wooden and the rest of the cast all yell a lot, look creepy or overreact to everything. Special mention goes to wide-eyed James (Savage) and the stone-faced Sheriff (Wasserman) who compete for the crown of "most evil looking" suspect. It’s so obvious that the film is having all of the male characters act like jerks to arouse our suspicions. Didn’t work on me, I knew who the killer was very early on. Like duh!!!
There's also very little that goes on in this film (trust me on this, there’s no suspense whatsoever) although we're led to believe that all kinds of shite is going down. I mean, the killer doesn’t do much more than leave notes and cookies lying around (are you scared...I know I am). He does kill a few times but it’s in bland and off-screen ways. The subplot about the mother is also too vague (why is she in the hospital anyways?) and underused. Christina’s relationship with Eddie (Fehr) is just there and can be summed up with him entering through her bedroom window or him exiting through her bedroom window to hide from her dad (sound familiar?). Her crush on Howie (Rowe) is also lightly touched upon. I still don’t get why all of the girls in the movie think that Howie is so hot. He acts and dresses like a “K-Mart” commercial. There’s also a whole other tedious subplot about Christina’s diary being stolen by a school rival. Of course, the killer winds up with it but don’t ask me why he/she wants it. Actually the diary thang gives way to a very funny scene. Picture this: Christina is sleeping and is awakened by a harsh sound. She jumps up and the first thing she does is: look in her drawer to see if her diary is still there. What???
And to cap things off on a sour note, this one takes the killer’s revealing monologue (yes, it's another damn whodunit) to an all-time low. First off, the second that the killer’s identity is revealed, he/she is wearing pasty white makeup and black under their eyes. Why? Because he/she looks scarier that way. Funny; he/she looked fine the whole movie though. Then, the monologue kicks in to explain the “motive” behind the killing. But the killer doesn’t really have a motive! So to compensate, he/she resorts to puppet shows with his talking fingers and giving Christina dancing lessons (urgh!). And of course, once he/she is known as the killer, he/she becomes invincible. Punches in the face don’t do shite to this freak. Yes, you will say: "WHAT THE FUCK????"
Sprinkle all that trash with an ugly set (the inside of the house is so bland), awful wardrobe (people dress like bums here), a snail's pace, zero tension, no focus and ridiculous turn of events (the booby trap…oh my god…as if!) and you get a flick that’s so bad that it's worse. The film does try to say something underneath all of the yelling, bad acting and stupid plot turns. I saw the whole teen girl struggling with her hormones thang and the dad fighting as the obvious sexual evolution of his daughter. But the putrid elements (basically everything in this film) make sure that none of it hits home. The film does have one positive thing and that’s the twist ending in the end. It’s very clever and I think I’ll steal it and make a better movie with it. Shut the door on Christina’s House. This whore stinks!!!!!
This is a very dry flick. We get some weak stabbings, some karo syrup covered corpses and a severed arm.
Allison Lange (Christina) lets her tits take center stage in tight shirts and they do most of the acting. She also scares us with her close ups (ouch!) and embarrasses herself with her “emotional” scene. Brad Rowe (Howie) acts with his 6 o'clock shadow and his puppy dog eyes. Brendan Fehr (Eddie) acts with his hair and then goes method by putting on a baseball cap. I liked him in "The Forsaken" but he’s so damn dull here. John Savage (James) chews up everything in sight and gives a rabid, ridiculous performance. This chump was in “Deer Hunter”?? What happened?? Lorne Stewart (Bobby) lets his atrocious “Beatles” haircut do all of the acting for him and has an annoying voice. Jerry Wasserman (Sheriff) gives us a very mean face; that’s all the acting we get from him. All surface here, nothing underneath and I mean NOTHING!
T & A
Allison Lange gives us a glimpse of her tits in a bath scene but she covers them up with bubbles very fast. Her left breast also peeps out later on in the film. The ladies get Brendan Fehr sucking in his gut. No more beer for that guy!
The promise Wilding displayed in "Convergence" is absent here. Yes, we get some occasional slow motion but the man overdoes it with the underhand shots and fails to inject suspense or interesting events into the film.
A very cheesy score that fails to liven the movie up. This flick needed some pop/grunge songs big time! Even some Britney Spears would have been nice!
If you have a plaid shirt fetish, this is the film for you. Who was responsible for costumes in this movie? It’s a K-Mart festival! The idea of the film itself is good but the script and the execution are total failures on all counts. Here’s what I was thinking throughout the movie. BEGINNING: What the fuck? MIDDLE: Oh! Come on! This is a joke, right? ENDING: Groan, groan, groan; I can’t believe shit like this gets financed! END CREDITS: This is the lousiest flick that I’ve seen in years!!! Any questions?
On the box it says: From the writers of "Poltergeist" .Yes, Mark Victor and Michael Grais have screenplay credits on Poltergeist but they only executive produced this turkey. The real writers behind this film are Stuart Allison and Raoul Inglis.
This film cost $3 million to make and now I know why it took three years for it to come out on tape in the States.
This is a Canadian production shot in BC.