Crocodile 2: Death Swamp (2002)
Director: Gary Jones
Poseur bank robbers pretend to be tough (I’m so scared...brrr), hijack a plane, eventually crash it into a swamp due to their astounding stupidity, take some lamo survivors hostage and have to deal with a big bad croc craving their bootie for lunch. Aim your 12-gauge at this reptile and turn it into a belt…NOW!
I went into this CGI/plastic beastie on-the-hunt Lego party looking for fun times and easy escapism. I mean, we all need to relax the old noggin every now and again, right? Well, this frustratingly bad movie couldn’t even do that for me. The lazy narrative is painfully “been there-done that”, the plot twists are so see-through that they’re groan-inducing and the action is way too generic and cheap to be entertaining on a worthy level. I sat in front of my screen, watching the events unravel with a “Pod People”-like blank stare. I just didn’t give a slut’s ass about anything or anybody in this “nothing” of a movie. Yes, this sequel to Tobe Hooper's "Crocodile" is unfortunately of the “assembly line” and criminally uninspired mold.
To make matters more severe, the flick contains grating actors who truly need talent beaten into them with a studded bat, “Atari”-like tacky visual effects (wait till you see that house crumble…CHEAPO!), some really stinky dubbing and rotten dialogue that goes from a series of “fucks” to a higher aim in quality with constant “motherfuckers”. I never thought I’d ever get sick of hearing cuss words, but this movie made it happen. To top that off, we’re also blessed with irritating and ENDLESS bickering among the main players (I almost lost it as thoughts of murder and a nail gun flashed through my mind), a laughable “croc myth” monologue from "thespian extraordinaire" Martin Kove (Roland), plot holes up the corn hole and a far from credible love story. Sounds like a jamboree of panties yet?
And just when I thought the movie couldn’t get any worse, it actually did by managing to take the river of puke one step further. First off, by not knowing when to end the torture (ROLL THE CREDITS ALREADY!) and second of all, by insulting my minor intelligence with a dumbass end “dream sequence” that was solely there to justify a bikini shot. I’m all for some of that bikini stuff with goodies bobbling out, but don’t make it so damn obvious! COME ON, MAN! Talk about underestimating your audience! Do I have anything “polite” to say about "Crocodile 2"? Hmmm….the flick has ok pace, Martin “Cobra Kai” Kove is kind of fun to watch (although he was almost upstaged by the cigar that he was chewing) and we do get a couple of forgettable bloody bits. But as a whole, I can’t think of one SOLID reason to recommend this video shelf whore of a heartless sequel. I can think of better ways to fill in the empty corners of my meaningless existence. The question is…can you?
We get lots of croc chewing on humans with "Karo" syrup pouring out; we also get some bullet hits. Nothing to strangle your kitty over.
Heidi Lenhart (Mia) is kind of cute and does what she can with the material that she’s given, but even she can’t avoid stinking up the place at times. Chuck Walczak (Chuck) looks like a surfed-up Ken doll and his acting skills are awful to say the least. Jon Sklaroff (Sol) is on one “over the top” note the whole way: angry. BORING! Martin Kove (Roland) is charismatic and is the more interesting duder here. That in itself says a lot about the rest of the cast.
T & A
Due to the way that it was delivered, I couldn’t even go “BOING” for hottie Heidi Lenhart’s bikini shot. The ladies get the naked crocodile and Martin Kove’s cigar.
Apart from the occasional slow motion and an ok opening shootout scene, this one is pretty cut and dry in terms of style. Tension is mostly absent and the camera angles are pretty stale, on the whole. Zzzzzzz
Was there a score here? I can’t recall it to be honest and I watched the film half an hour ago. 'Nuff said!
Some might argue that a movie like this should be enjoyed on a cheesy level, but there's a fine line between cheesy and lousy and this puppy has its two feet in the latter. At least Tobe Hooper’s original "Crocodile" was groovy at times and tried to give us a good time, shite even Blood Surf accomplished more! But this cash-in sequel never aimed higher than the bottom of your local “McDonalds” toilet and THAT'S WHY I couldn't dig it in a "fromage" way. It's just NOT fun! Personally, dipping my sack in a jar of burning hot acid sounds like a way more rewarding experience than having to view this crapola ever again. CRICKEY!
This film was shot in India.
This flick is also known as "Crocodile 2: Death Roll".
This flick comes out straight to video/DVD on August 13, 2002 in Canada and the U.S.