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Cursed (2005)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Wes Craven

Starring:
Christina Ricci/Ellie
Jesse Eisenberg/Jimmy
Joshua Jackson/Jake
Michael Rosenbaum/Kyle
PLOT-CRUNCH
In glitzy Hollywood, a hottie (Ricci) and her little twerp brother (Eisenberg) get wounded by a peeved werewolf. They go on to display “special” abilities while a wolf-man randomly pops up to bust pork chops. Who is the culprit behind all this? And more importantly, who gives a Pound Cake’s ass?
THE LOWDOWN
In case you didn’t know, CURSED had its own curse glued to its hairy butt behind the scenes. When nearing completion, the Studios decided that the flick just didn’t work for them (Didn’t they read the script prior? Was there even a script?). So the whole she-bang was heavily re-written which resulted in more than half of the movie being re-shot - mucho cast members either replaced or written out and lead effect dude Rick Baker (An American Werewolf in London) jumping ship, to have his empty shoes filled by the KNB boys. The initial planned release date for this bitch in heat was August 8th 2003 and one year or so later, here is the result (shaved to a PG-13 in the States no less but us Canadians really got the R version under our much more leniant PG-13 tag...that's the one I saw). Take a wild guess as to how it turned out!

I cherish at least half of Wes Craven's filmmography and did think that Kevin Williamson's SCREAM screenplay was excellent. These two gents really came through with Ghostface's first adventure and I'm sure that they have a good werewolf film in them, CURSED just isn't it. Now, I’ll give this poodle a bone; it had some of the elements right. Let me take out my “fly for a dead cells guy” checklist. Hot, young and competent cast (Ricci...yum)? CHECK! Quick-wit dialogue that sometimes made me laugh? CHECK! Flashy/easy to the eye directing? CHECK! A handful of kool gore bits? CHECK! For maybe the first 30 minutes or so, I was thinking to myself; “Hey schmuck, it’s not that bad, very generic and maybe too SCREAM like...but not that bad!” The following 70 minutes went on to prove me dead wrong.

So what was MIA in this camp? Try a competently structured narrative for starters. The lazy chain of events snored me where it seemed to go out of its way to be as mundane as possible. Why didn't they ever take the "ideas" one stab further, for them to be more than solely "ideas"? I've seen Daffy Duck cartoons with more guts than this cowardly pup! The main purpose (finding out who the lead werewolf is) and the werewolf drama were executed in a sedated fashion as well. Why didn’t the “infected” leads actually turn into werewolves again? COME ON! Run with your premise dammit! And to make matters worse; there was zero momentum to most of the plot turns, some subplots felt like filler (the gay thing) and our hero characters were boringly passive about their crisis. They didn't care enough about what was going on, hence, neither did I! There was nothing at stakes here!

Of course, being that the lads behind SCREAM tackled this trinket, they just HAD TO re-visit their old pissing grounds! Say hello to a half-assed executed whodunit throughout and long-winded self-explanatory villain monologues at the end. Didn’t these “now tired” devices expire at the beginning of Y2K! Guess not! LAME! What about the HORROR in the cooler? Did it hit the spot? Not really. Although there were a couple of decent jolts (the parking lot attack was the best one), on the whole, I didn’t get enough “howl” for my crotch itches. I so craved more werewolf shenanigans (the fact that the story was slim-fast also had to do with that)! As for the wolf effects themselves; I was beyond under-whelmed. I didn’t dig the designs (one looked like a Teddy Bear), that one "full" transformation was "amateur night" at digital dive and the prominent execution of the beast varied between man in bland “Sing-O-Gram” wolf suit or dodgy Nintendo CG. Not my cup of Drano!

Tag to all that Kibble and Crap, the usual STUPID genre character moves (that Asian girl in the bathroom…what?), an awkward thought process in terms of how the leads dealt with their werewolf affliction, pointless side characters (that psychic…urg), flimsy "Archie comic" romances, the un-justified/annoying presence of “has been” Scott Baio and an ending that just dragged on for too damn long and you get an opus that should’ve been called Howling Part “whatever number they’re at” as opposed to the next Wes Craven/Kevin Williamson match up.

As the end credits rolled, I felt nothing. Much like flatulence at a Fried Chicken restaurant, CURSED came, stank and went. Maybe when they started shooting the picture, they actually had a good script, maybe they didn’t. Maybe all the un-used footage from the first cut could amount to something decent (DVD?), maybe not. Maybe Shannon Elisabeth does the “landing strip” thing down there, maybe she doesn’t. One thing is for certain though; this CURSED was mostly dull, generic, half baked and safe, WB inclined crapola! NEUTER THIS DOG!

GORE
The gore howlers in this cut will please genre fans of the world but unfortunately even that couldn't change the fact that the flick blew chunks. We get a body chomped in half, a nasty neck bite, various wolf chompings/slashes and a neat severed head. I wonder what the US Pg-13 Cut will keep in? Too bad that the Wolf effects by Baker or/and KNB disappointed me hardcore.
ACTING
The talented Christina Ricci (Ellie) deserves better than this soup bowl. Taking into account what she had to play with; she handled herself very well. Jesse Eisenberg (Jimmy) often stole the show as the clever "nerd 2 kool" brother. Very credible! Good job man! Joshua Jackson (Jake) did fine but was often upstaged by his beard. Impressive facial hair Joshua! Michael Rosenbaum (Kyle) showed up long enough to prove that even expensive “toupees” look like “toupees”.
T & A
If Jesse Eisenberg’s white naked ass talks to ya; you’ll be answering the TNA. Unfortunately for me, Ricci kept her “Riccies” to herself. BOOOO!
DIRECTING
Although we got some polished style, one truly tense bit and groovy angles/shots, the film didn’t feel like Wes Craven to me. Not one bit! Maybe the Mayo-light script failed to inspire him.
SOUNDTRACK
How’s a Pop/Rock & one blah rap song trio with a side order of inconsistent score sound? ARROW NOTE: Pay attention to the score during the “out of the closet” scene; I swear it sounded like a porn track (I would know…trust me).
BOTTOM LINE
Yup, CURSED is SCREAM with werewolves...too bad the recipee was slap-dashed our way with uber carelessness! Think; a pinch of “Hollywood life” here, a little dabbling in “Teen Wolf” land there, toss in a couple of kills, slap dash grating side characters, halt the movie for the screenwriter to go into his own shit (the out of place gay outing), throw in Mya (who???), mix in whodunit/villain monologues, look Pacey grew a real beard… and you a got a hit horror movie…right? Wrong. You get a whole lot of attractive "not much"; a Dawson Creek/horror hybrid, with an able cast, some clever lines and a handful of gory bits. Your sweet, 10 year old, "My Little Pony" loving sister, who keeps stealing your dough when your banging that thing you picked up, will love this one! As for me, back to the Pub I go. I wasted enough time on this.
BULL'S EYE
Rumor has it that early versions of the script were about a serial killer in New York City who find out he’s a werewolf.

The first version of the film was about 3 strangers brought together by a car accident and a man-wolf attack, which changed to brother/sister in car accident + wolf attacks.

Groovy host Craig Kilborne has a cameo here.

Mandy Moore (aka Mandy Moore Fallon) was cast as Jenny and had her scenes in the can. She was nixed out when the production went into re-shoots. DAMN YOU!

VISIT THE OFFICIAL CURSED SITE

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1:07PM on 09/13/2005

Worst werewolf movie in existance?

Cursed - Unrated (2005)
Beware The Full Moon


"I'm not gay. I'm cursed."

Plot:
Two brother and sister shaped pieces of cardboard get bit by a werewolf (I think) and get super powers.

What I Thought:
Ever seen a movie that just shocks you so much, takes you by surprise in such a level that you're just left speechless? Out of breath? Maybe out of brain cells? Probably not, because there aren't that many movies with that effect (in which Uwe Boll has nothing to do with, goes without
Cursed - Unrated (2005)
Beware The Full Moon


"I'm not gay. I'm cursed."

Plot:
Two brother and sister shaped pieces of cardboard get bit by a werewolf (I think) and get super powers.

What I Thought:
Ever seen a movie that just shocks you so much, takes you by surprise in such a level that you're just left speechless? Out of breath? Maybe out of brain cells? Probably not, because there aren't that many movies with that effect (in which Uwe Boll has nothing to do with, goes without saying). But those of you who have seen Cursed know what I speak of.

This is director Wes Craven (Scream) and writer Kevin Williamson's (Scream) big go at reinventing the werewolf genre. I can't begin saying in how many these two blokes failed at doing so, so I'll start with the basics. They not only failed to reinvent the werewolf genre, they also failed to actually make a werewolf movie. I know, I'm probably just exagerating, right? Well, you'd have to see for yourselves. Be warned, Cursed is not a werewolf movie. The fact that they say the words "werewolf" quite a few times doesn't make it so. This is just one of the worst movies I have ever, EVER seen. I need to say, look who's this reviewing, I am that guy who has never seen a werewolf movie he doesn't like. NEVER. And I've seen a lot of them. The main characters were never really werewolves (yeah, they never transform), and they just have no reason whatsoever to want to stop being a werewolf. It's irritating.

Okay, let's get down to it. First off, the writing. I'll put it simply . . . Kevin Williamson sucks . . . his script is so flawed, it just made my blood boil. He wasn't even trying to reinvent a thing, because he's going so damned by-the-books with everything he does. The curse itself is horribly handled, because he's using every clich for the werewolf mytho, but wrong (not different, wrong. He didn't get his wolf facts straight and should never try to write anything that comes close to anything that comes close to being a werewolf movie). I have done quite a lot of research on the mytho myself (huge fan of ze wolves) and the friend I saw it with didn't stop laughing at the amount of "That's wrong.", "That's not how it goes." "If I was a werewolf, I'd be chomping on Craven's ribs right now.". I wasn't being hard on the movie either, rememeber, I love werewolf movies, all of them (except . . . you know, this).

I love the amount of attempts at surprising the audience there are. The last minutes of the movie are just so badly filled with dud twists, it was funny ("Oh god, this movie is finally over, I'm gonna go throw u- no wait . . . no, it's not. Bummer.") and even funnier how every twist could be seen coming miles away (oh big fucking shock who the original is). I will give them the credit to try ONE new thing with the sub-genre, which is the addition of the werewolf dog. Which is sure a silly thing, does nothing to the plot or the characters, lasts 4 seconds and looks like shit (bad, bad CGI). The dialogue is bad. ("How bad is it?"). The dialogue is so bad, Uwe Boll and George Lucas are laughing at it. I could quote this movie's hilariously atrocious lines, "I guess there's no such thing as safe sex with a werewolf.", "No, you don't understand. I'm a werewolf, I have this sexual allure to me.", being some of my favorites.

The characters are ALL paper thin. Not one of these morons shows one ounce of dimension or realism or . . . anything! I don't know how they manage to avoid any sort of development on so many people. I think it's harder to do that than to properly develop a character. The point is that they all suck, all of them and if there had actually been any werewolf action in the movie (that lasts more than half a second) I would've been rooting for some other wolf to kill this fuckers so the movie could be over and I could proceed to death-threat Wes Craven, who is sure trying to kill the sub genre. Each of them react in ways no human being with one single brain cell would ever act (and say things that no slug with half a brain cell would ever say). I just loved how they concluded so easily, "Why, we are werewolves." and how everyone around them believes them in a snap.

Speaking of Wes Craven. Don't expect a hip, funny or original throwback this time (not a trace of anything that could be compared to Scream). Expect a dated, unfunny (ahaha! The werewolf got angry because she said it was ugly, ahaha, it gave her the finger and called her a liar! ahaha!) and horribly unoriginal crapfest. The pacing is terribly fast (look out for the speed of the opening scene, even the opening credits seem to fade in and out at millions of miles per hour), the CGI looks bad, the action is MIA, and it's not in the least scary. Not for one moment did I think that any frame of the movie had anything unique or well-shot to it. Talk about lazy and basic point-and-shoot. My theory is that an evil anti-werewolf-movie alien took Wes Craven's skin and did this movie for him. I'm already working on proving it. The music was mostly terrible (there's one exception, I liked that tune in the final scene), with extremely generic and dull tracks going on at all times. I mean, what's with the music that played when Ellie and Jake kiss? Am I watching some mexican soap opera? Who switched on Telemundo?

The acting was a disaster. It was sad to see actors I like so much (love Ricci, love Jackson, love Elizabeth) being so bad. Joshua Jackson looks bored 100% of the time, he was just speeding through and waiting for his paycheck. It would be easier to name the one scene where Ricci does anything well done (her 'tender' scene with Jake), and I don't blame her . . . her character was way too thin and there was no moment in the movie where she had to show any kind of acting skills. Shannon Elizabeth appears 5 minutes, makes a fool of herself and throws her career down the drain, and then goes away. No one else is worth mention-

No wait, there is. A special someone I want to mention is mister Jesse Eisenberg, who was stounding. If you ever read this Jesse, take this to heart, man. He is the single worst teenage actor I have ever in my life have had the disgrace to see work. He's not only annoying to look at, he's just . . . argh, I can't even begin to describe how fucking terrible he is. And it's not only his lines, or his character, it was him To state the obvious, he can't, shouldn't and hopefully will never again act. How did you get in Hollywood? Who the fuck did you screw?? Not one single line did he deliver properly, and the moments which were supposed to have weight in them are just fucked and crapped all over with his odd facial acting choices (why did he look surprised when he was climbing the walls? Was it all automated? What?). I hope someone fires the casting director of this movie and Eisenberg goes into a nice college and starts dedicating to something he's good at. That or, you know, that he gets flayed alive and castrated, whichever works.

Gore:
This UnRated version packed some, eventhough most of it looked like it was shot specifically for this cut. We get a girl cut in half with the upper half crawling away, a bloody (but cheesy) beheading, a bloodless gutting, gunshots and some sprays of blood here and there.

Overall Rating:
2/10. This isn't just the worst werewolf movie I have ever seen. It's one of the worst movies I have ever seen (move over Boll!), it's just an insult to every person who watches, as well as an insult to every werewolf in the world. Trust me people, this is as bad as it will ever get, don't judge the sub-genre after this turd. I'm in such a bad mood, I just hate everyone. I hate them so much? I want you all to see this movie! Ahahaha!
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