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Dark Corners (2006)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Ray Gower

Starring:
Thora Birch/Karen/Susan
Christien Anholt/David
Toby Stephens/Dr. Woodleigh
PLOT-CRUNCH
Blondie Karen (Thora Birch) goes to sleep and lives another life as Susan. Brunette Susan (also played by Birch) goes to sleep and lives another life as Karen. In both lives ho-hum horror shenanigans are upon the lassies as we ourselves fight to stay awake.
THE LOWDOWN
Euuuu…okay. What in my rooster’s name was this all about? Thora! Baby! You’re so much better than movies like this. How bad is this Dark Corners? Read the above Plot Crunch aloud to yourself 66 times in a row and you’ll know how it feels to actually watch this crud.

This cheap looking and underwritten mess could’ve been something if it actually aimed to do more than serve us the same damn thing over and over and f*cking over again. Blondie sleeps or gets knocked out etc, the brunette awakes and lives her life, then she goes to sleep, or gets knocked out etc, then the other one awakes, cuddles up with her dumbo boyfriend and lives her life…until she of course goes to sleep…and repeat, repeat, repeat till the end. WTF??? I might have bought it for a fifteen minute short but for a feature…yes…I was losing it. It didn’t help matters much that the horror spread about both lifelines wasn’t anything to go nuts about. Sure some tension and creepiness were present at first but the film never took them a stab further or run with its good ideas for that matter (a guy who files his teeth for a better bite…USE HIM!). Hence it all became stale real fast.

Furthermore, the film’s meat was lean to say the least. Although the Karen trying to have a baby subplot did interest me a tad (mostly due to Thora Birch’s adequate performance) it never took off and was drowned out by the redundant silliness and hollow symbolism that kept surfacing. And what was up with the lousy dialogue, un-credible relationships and annoying side characters? I didn’t buy any of the ties here, some of the lines churned my stomach and the peeps in the film were beyond boringly drawn out. Karen’s boyfriend David was the worst of the lot! His "jokey" demeanor felt so forced and the man is scared of finger puppets (marked him as a kid). FINGER PUPPETS! I’m supposed to root for this clown? URG! Thhe “why” behind all of it was the pit on the spit. It was un-inspired to say the least and delivered in a convoluted fashion. That’s why I went through this one-hour and a half Ground-Hog day torture fest? That’s it???? LAME!

The only saving graces here were the occasional kool horror imagery and the presence of gorgeous Thora Birch (& her ample cleavage) but that was far from enough to make this waste worth it. Dark Corners was a nightmare to sit through. Avoid it like a Mother Theresa movie starring that skank Paris Hilton!
GORE
We get a bloodied fetus, some stabbings, a corpse's dick broken in half (suggested but it works), some taxidermie fun and blood here and there. Was "okay".
ACTING
Thora Birch (Karen/Susan) looked good (loved her as a blonde) and handled herself well; too bad the film let her down. She should fire her Agent for getting her in this dull wreck. Christien Anholt (David) had the worst lines and his character was so grating. Was he good? When he played it down, yup. The rest of the time he tried too hard. Toby Stephens (Dr. Woodleigh) did what he had to do with class. Dug him!
T & A
The ladies get some shirtless dudes and a corpse’s white ass and we get Miss Birch in various forms of cleavage show-off. Too bad she didn’t pull an “American Beauty” here, the film really needed it and so did I!
DIRECTING
Wide, medium, close ups, jacked up by slick editing. I did dig on some of the film’s looks though and when going dark it did have a swell “SAW” feel to it. NOTE: Was it me or was the flick so over lit during the inside day scenes?
SOUNDTRACK
The horror score was decent but the lovey-dovey dittie made me want to hurl cows, maybe cause I heard the same bit of music every damn time our love birds would get googly eyed. BARRRF!
BOTTOM LINE
Dark Corners was a frustratingly redundant, flat for the most part, semi pretentious and cheapo bore that never really went anywhere…VERY SLOWLY. Thora Birch is a cutie with nice cans no doubt and she’s got well-oiled acting chops but even she couldn’t ease the pain that was this badly written, executed and aimless film. Think getting a BJ by a broad sporting razor laced dentures. I was in a worse hell than its lead watching this! Rent The Hole instead…TRUST ME!
BULL'S EYE
The flick was shot in London, England.
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