Gotcha motherfacker! I’ve actually been trying to see DEAD IN 3 DAYS for a year now. Attempted to catch it at Cannes, screening was full. Tried to stab it at the AFM, no press was allowed. Aimed to ring its neck like nobody’s Butler at Fantasia
and…GOTCHA! So was it worth the wait? No and…NO!
DEAD IN 3 DAYS was one of those “could’ve been” as it did have some good shite going for it. The initial premise, although far from novel was tantalizing; the Austria ocean/mountain/fog heavy setting was striking (straight up, I wanna go there) and the lead teens were fairly appealing (it helped that the chicks were always prancing around in their undies…all good). For the first 45 minutes or so; I was actually somewhat hooked into the film’s shenanigans. I said “somewhat” since the flick was semi interesting but never managed to go further than that. The even pace, the random suspenseful bits, the never ending assault of pop/rock songs, the gorgeous photography and the promises of a good mystery were keeping me in the loop. Sadly once its destination was clear, a long warm piss was taken on whatever potential this export had to offer.
Reminiscent of I Know What You Did Last Summer in terms of narrative and tone; this wannabe Yankee had most of the slasher ingredients in check but had zero clue as to how to mix them right to deliver a thick slurpy. The “dead in 3 days” plot device was tossed out, abandoned and then brought out again when it was too late. Actually now that I think of it, the killer even cheated his own game since he started offing pimples on two legs at Day 1. What’s the point then? Should’ve text messaged “Dead ASAP” instead. Same went for the see through red herrings, the overly obvious kill set ups and the restrained/sloppy kill execution. It was all so damn predictable and safe! Even its mystery wound up being a huge bummer! There was no way for an audience to figure it out until about the hour mark when some left field back story was tossed in. NOT FAIR! The final pool cue up this one’s ass came in deep when the flick lagged, insulted (Ever see a girl get impaled and then walk away from it? You will here), lagged again and insulted some more throughout its last block. Serving up one shoddy ending after another is not the way to make up for the garbage that was spread on my Kebob thus far. Yup the need to launch my trusty back hand at ‘somebody, anybody” did arise within my soul.
DEAD IN 3 DAYS was “okay” for its first half and then painful and downright insolent to my minute intelligence for its second half. So as a whole it blew corn. Not like Carmen Electra fervently chews beef jerky or licks clam for film roles; it just blew corn. Why corn? Why the f*ck not! It’s as good a vegetable as any other; or is it a fruit? What am I rambling about…you tell me! Obviously, this movie killed my last brain cell.... good job!