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Dead Meat (2) (2004)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Conor McMahon

Starring:
Marian Araujo/Helena
David Mallard/Desmond<
PLOT-CRUNCH
A mutated strain of Mad Cow disease turns the inhabitants of an Irish Country side into blood thirsty, flesh chewing and dumb as nails Zombies. We follow a small group of survivors as they dispatch of the rotten lot in sick and slick fashion.
THE LOWDOWN
After viewing the Irish DEAD MEAT (Which I hear is the first Irish genre film ever), I went into “Deep Thoughts By Jack Handy” mode. Something didn’t make any sense. You see, the flick started right off the bat with gory fun, displayed uber Sam Raimi-light visual flair throughout (it was tracking shot madness over here), showcased brilliant cinematography (loved them vast skies) and then never stopped bombarding me with gore gags/zombie action left right and center. Then why oh why…was I somewhat bored while watching it? It doesn’t make any freaking sense! None I tell you!

After a couple drinks, two lubed up whacks and a Malbie, I came up with this; Dead Meat wound up being semi tedious to boogie too for two main reasons. 1- I never got attached to the characters. I mean don’t get me wrong Helena (Araugo) had the fun bags stacked, Desmond (Mallard) did zombie bashing wonders with that shovel and that “is he on cocaine” coach got a few laughs out for me. But with that said; I didn’t warm up to them more at an hour in then I did at five minutes in. By not giving a darn about the players, say Adios to suspense, Sayonara to scares and screw you to anticipation. I watched the film in a semi-detached manner, thinking of other things (like porn lesbians),  not counting dead sheep yet never being bowled over either.

Then there was the action itself that went on to let me down for an odd reason; there was too much of it and it was rarely jacked up to a higher plane. They run, meet up with Zombies, kill Zombies in creative fashions, they run again.  Rewind and repeat for the duration of the picture. And all of it was played on the same level (except for the end)! Bugh! It didn’t help matters that I’ve seen way too many Zombie films lately; hence all of it was so déjà vu. Now I will admit that a couple of  gruesome get-downs cranked my dial, I dug the fanboy references and the random outrageously groovy idea hit me hard (Moo and Zombie Zzzzzs). But I needed more of that sweet candy spread about to get my jockeys in a bunch. Lastly the low budget did hurt the film now and then; nothing major; although I still haven’t forgiving it for NOT giving me a satisfactory end for one of the lead’s fate (unless I missed it when I scratched my sack). They just dropped the character and  it pissed me off!

When all was said and buried, Dead Meat was a well shot, juicy red and randomly funny exercise in fanboy splatter; too bad that it played one card all the way through, rarely upped the stakes and that Helena didn’t take off her top; I needed that tit shot man! Gimmee something! Now, how’s’ this for dead meat? ZIPPPP!
GORE
Where do I begin? And where do I end? Lets just say that you’ll see nasty bites, nails in the head, stabbings with various sharp instruments, nails in the eyes, an eye ripped out of its socket with a vacuum (nice one!), impalings, beheadings, heads split in halves with a shovel…you get the picture…it was messy! The effects went from gnarly to so-so but when it comes to splatter I tend to forgive easily.
ACTING
Marian Araujo (Helena) was photogenic enough and sported a decent delivery. Why did I not care about her! The same can be said about David Mallard (Desmond) who tackled his role admirably. He was solid yet I never got attached to him. NOTE: The dude who played The Coach was a lively bugger! GREAT MAN
T & A
We didn’t even see a cow's teats…COME ON!
DIRECTING
Conor McMahon obviously knows and loves his horror! Furthermore, he has talent behind the camera to boot! Kinetic, creative and on the move shots, a stellar milking of his gorgeous Irish Country sides setting and a Peter Jackson-esque like sense of humor (which I needed more of in spades). Overall I liked his style.
SOUNDTRACK
I’ll be blunt; the generic score at hand did nothing for me and failed to back up or amplify the action 90 percent of the time.
BOTTOM LINE
It’s hard to fully come down on a film when there’s obvious talent involved and that the love for the genre oozes out of its every wounds, so I won’t. All I’ll say is that Dead Meat rocked when it came to visual panache, slick locations, clever horror winks and gory goods but sadly the milk (cow…milk…get it) went sour when it came to content. The characters were just there, the humor was not emphasized upon enough and there are just so many times I can see the same scenario presented to me with slight variations to it, over and over again, before I get antsy. Grill this meat and judge for yourselves lads! I'm off to the next snack i.e. that hot chikita bartender in my Hotel! ARIBA!
BULL'S EYE
The flick was shot in Leitrim, Ireland

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