Deaths of Ian Stone (2008)
Director: Dario Piana
Ian is having a bad life. Dude can't stop being murdered (by some spooky smoke creatures) and coming back within a new reality to then be killed again and again and again. WTF is going on? Who's RIP-ing Ian non-stop and who invited them THE MATRIX rejects to the party?
THE DEATHS OF IAN STONE was a “could’ve been something” if it wasn’t bouncing off walls like a tweaker tweaking hard, in search of that next hit in some fat dude’s pants while the latter is fixing himself a steak, over easy on the grill.
Read that last sentence again - that's how all over the place the film was. Did the director know what kind of film he wanted to make? Sure didn’t feel like it. Its called RITOLIN my man look into it, its under R... that's the letter after Q.... or so I'm told.
Now that’s not to say the flick was a complete waste of my useless time. The affair started off grippingly enough, with an endearing lead in Ian (brilliantly played by Mike Vogel – in a “good” movie, this showcase would’ve made him a star) and a tantalizing mystery at hand. The film was at its strongest when it kept me in the dark. All I knew was that spooky intangible creatures
(communicated via on and off special effects) were the cause and the effect was Ian pulling “Butterfly Effects” left and right on my ass. Dying, waking up as himself but within a new “life” to then die again. Up to that point, all was well in the sand-box, sure
the visual style was generic MTV stuff and tension could’ve been upped taking
into account the off the wall situation… but nobody got hurt. I was thus far
But then the film went on to embarrass itself a bit. A- it became more redundant than my umpteen Hooker Joke and B- The only way it found to explain its happenings was via some lamer than a hooker who quits hooking “Captain Exposition” mook who kept popping in to “explain” everything. This aint a poetry reading man, its a film, don’t tell me, SHOW ME! Yawn!
But those were just "crapola" teasers. Then the real wave of excrement rolled in! Next thing you know all the villains popped out decked up in fetish wear. Think rejects from a THE
MATRIX convention. What was that all about???
Moreover, the flick started genre bending way too much; fantasy, action (they even lifted a bit from T2) and horror (if you can call it that). Dialogue became trite, plot devices see through (stop telling me you’re gonna
kill this dame and KILL HER), the main villainess wouldn’t shut the f*ck up (she
put Bond villains to shame) and the whole tanked into a big pool of utter campyness. What happened to the moody and promising HORROR film that the first half hour put out? Was there acid on set that drove peeps to suddenly just do a different type of movie? By the time the “love conquers all” cornyness, the “The One” MATRIX rip and the “suddenly Fabio looking” hero kicked in the flick had lost me.
With that said, IAN was good when it was good and then so bad it’s kinda good when it was bad. When it got
really bad though, well that was like pulling razor blades out of one’s urethra… but I think I made my point as to that
already. In the end THE DEATHS OF IAN STONE walked in confidently to then trip
over a piece of lint and fall flat on its dumbfounded face, hence making a fool of itself. Too bad…
Slit a throath, rinse and repeat!
It's a statement on Mike Vogel's (Ian) talent that he managed to supersede the shitty dialogue and silly world he was set in to come across as credible and likeable. Put this dude in a good film as the lead already! Christina Cole (Jenny) was great eye candy and did what she had to do fine. Jaime Murray (Medea) was tight at first but then her crappy lines played against her and made her look stupid. Not her fault, even DeNiro couldn't have pulled them lines off with a straight face.
T & A
Jaime Murray in skimpy outfits or abusing spandex aside, none that I could remember, which most likely means - NONE, since I'm such a horn-dog and I usually remember that shite.
Its' flashy, it flashes, it's cut tight, it flashes some more, so much so that suspense, build-up and scares were lost in the flashyness.
Not awful, not stand out, just there to do what it does - fill the dead air.
THE DEATHS OF IAN STONE had the slick initial premise, a fine actor in the lead, some gnarly “early on” beasties and an effortless pace. Too bad the more it revealed, the stupider it became and that once its last block kicked in it flushed itself down a toilet of inane dialogue, annoying villains and so much campyness you’d think you were watching a rerun of an old BATMAN TV episode. Should’ve stuck to being the horror film it was at first instead of tossing in rips on The Matrix, T2 and well…Fabio.
The film cost 10 Million to make and was produced by FX duder Stan Winston, Brian Gilbert and Ralph Camp.