Director: Matt Hastings
Stephanie von Pfetten/Lilly
Two young twits (Sevier and Toutefix) see their mojos go limp when the new bisexual blonde hotties at school wind up being “Species” knockoff aliens who kill their partners when they mate. HOW CAN THIS SUCK!?!?
I never thought that a movie sporting enthusiastically bisexual and hotter-than-hell alien chicks could muck it up (I mean, how can you really?), but "Decoys" proved me wrong. This sucka just couldn’t get anything right!
First and foremost, the pace of the affair lagged like a dead lay on tranquilizers-- the fast-forward button never looked so damn appealing! I almost made love to it! It surely didn’t help the proceedings that the flick had ZERO grasp on its tone whatsoever! It either tried so hard to be clever, that it fell flat on its stupid face or it cracked me up for the wrong reasons with out-of-place “dramatic” scenes that clashed with the fluff at hand (I laughed so hard during the ambulance bit). Then we had the moronic, grating and caricatured characters populating this mess. The boys, in particular, all dressed like “K-Mart” rejects, were weak-minded or acted as if they’ve never seen a girl before (one guy even sniffs some gal’s clothes in ecstasy…huh?) And I won’t say more than one sentence about the “Ebonics Hip” dude...I wanted to bury his unintelligible poseur ass! 'Nuff said. I couldn’t relate with anybody!
Sadly, the worst player of the lot was the lead character of Luke (Sevier). You know, the “hero” of the film...the one I'm supposed to root for! He had the most embarrassing one-liners ever (“belt of oh frying”…fuck me man!) and Sevier’s performance was so over-the-top in a camera mugging way, that I wanted to reach into my TV and smack some sense into him. Somebody forgot to put a leash on that dude! EASY MAN! EASY!!!!! The coup the grace was the sloppy script which sported half-cocked subplots that went nowhere slowly (why was that cop in the movie again?) and plot holes the size of my salami (i.e. huge plot holes…hehehe). I don’t know about you, but if I see alien chicks sprouting tentacles, I’m skipping to the next state for a burger and fries, as opposed to hitting on these same girls the next day as if nothing happened. But maybe that’s just me!!
On the minor upside, I will give "Decoys" this...it was extremely well directed. Some of the shots director Matt Hastings pulled off here truly impressed me. The special effects were also stellar, with the creatures looking slick and the freezing from the inside thang being mucho kool. Furthermore, the flick snagged me with one surprise narrative turn having to do with the aliens’ true nature. For a while, I was digging it, until the script pussied out and took a typical (and trivial) direction instead of running with the sole truly gnarly idea it had. Lastly, the hot women on hand surely made for great eye candy with Kim Poirier and Stephanie von Pfetten owning the screen with charisma, sensuality, sweet girl-on-girl stuff and fine bodies. Oh yeah!
Alas, none of the goodies slapped my way came close to paying me back for the agony that was sitting through this all over the map, overacted and idiotic piece of crap. Yes, hot babes go a long way, but hey man...they don’t go that freakin' far, even for this 24/7 horn dog! DECOY THIS!
We get some razor effects including frozen bodies, a broken frozen arm, shattering aliens and the highlight being somebody frozen from the inside. Groovy!
Corey Sevier (Luke) was so “off” here...seemingly lost about how to play his character. So he overacted…a lot! Kim Poirier (Constance) and Stephanie von Pfetten (Lilly) both carried the film, in my eyes, with strong acting chops and show-stopping good looks. Megan Ory (Alex) did what she had to do without embarrassing herself. Richard Burgi (Det. Kirk) was supposed to be funny (I think), but wasn’t to me. Nicole Eggert (Det. Watts) cashed a check. Elias Toufexis’ (Roger) pathetic “virgin” part got on my nerves, but I’ll hand it to the guy...he played it well. He’s got the talent, too bad the script blew. Marc Trottier (Bobby) came through as the “bully” of the movie.
T & A
Female flesh fans rejoice! We’re treated to lots of flat bellies, cute belly buttons, a butt shot from Stephanie von Pfetten and a tit shot from Kim Poirier. The ladies will be happy to know that Corey Sevier takes off his shirt a lot and he’s a toned mofo. Hey, at least he has that!
Bravo to Matt Hastings for his daring camera moves (loved the overheads), his creative shot compositions and his potent use of flash. And props to cinematographer Daniel Villeneuve for making this “shot on HD” film look so freakin' slick! A big POO on YOU Mr. Director though for the useless “hallucination” bits that were obvious and cheap devices to “boo scare” things up. They were lamer than my juvenile writing.
We get some rock, pop and R&B tunes and a disposable score.
Maybe I just didn’t "get" the joke, and if that’s the case, I firmly know that I don’t particularly care to attempt to get it. "Decoys" could’ve been something; it had a kool “Species/The Faculty”-like premise, solid directing, slick effects and hot/talented broads. Unfortunately for us, the script was a joke on two legs, the male leads annoying and the childish tone way too "off the chart" for me to give a worm’s tail about anything or anyone…and I’m an immature guy!!! Here’s how I see it: remember that class clown who always tried so hard to be funny, but instead of being recognized as kool was laughed out the room? "Decoys" is THAT guy! Beat him up, steal his lunch, pop his sister, but whatever you do...don’t become friends with him. He’s a LOSER that smells women’s clothes! Class dismissed.
This flick was shot in Ottawa, Canada.
Decoys will be released on DVD on July 20, 2004.
Thanks to 'Mathieu' for hooking me up with an advanced screener of this circus! You da man!