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Dolan's Cadillac (2010)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Jeff Beesley

Starring:
Christian Slater/Jimmy
Emmanuelle Vaugier/Elizabeth
Wes Bentley/Robinson
PLOT-CRUNCH
A 6th grade school teacher (Bentley) finds himself craving payback when a ruthless, forever babbling and sex trade happy mobster (Slater) wrongs him.
THE LOWDOWN
So I was at a my local DVD store, just browsing around, looking for some old school Chuck Norris movies (Firewalker and Silent Rage are hard to find... bugh) when suddenly, Christian Slater's "I f*cked your mom in the poop shoot" mug snickered at me from a top shelf, yup, it was the DVD cover for DOLAN'S CADILLAC. I had totally forgotten about that flick being that it kind of fell off my personal radar when the initial Kevin Bacon (Robinson), Sylvester Stallone (Dolan) and director Stacy Title line-up tanked. But I picked it up anyways, its Stephen King and I needed something to review...and then I paid for that dumbass decision...paid for it big time!
 
Based on Stephen King's short story of the same name which was published in 1993 within the Nightmares and Dreamscapes collection; this movie version was amateur hour across the board. The story had a clunky narrative progression stuck to its ass i.e. blatant patch job (how many filler montages can one film have) and the dialogue had a tendency to be OVER WRITTEN hence making the characters VERY annoying and the veteran actors in the house look like rejects from the BC Theater stage. And the boat was missed by a yard on one crucial story aspect: developing and making us care about Robinson's relationship with his wife early on to of course feed the fire that was to come - never happened. Without that, the film's core, its heart and raison d'être were totally absent, making what ensued mucho trivial. For a revenge opus to work, you need to root for the hero and feel for his plight, sadly I didn't give an ounce of a sprinkle of a shit here. Moreover, the casting was so off the mark. They cast with locking distribution and the DVD cover in mind - not cause the actors were ideal for the roles. Who the hell hires "eyes out of their sockets" Wes Bentley as a straight man? Dude came off as too much of oddball throughout to be credible as a mundane school teacher that progresses into something darker. I saw no evolution, no character arc, just Wes Bentley looking like he has to go do a number 2 pronto.

Speaking of crap casting; Emmanuelle Vaugier didn't fare much better on her end. She was just there, shit, the props in the film had more life to them than her! To be fair, the script gave her nothing to do but sit on the toilet and look at a pregnancy test but still, more effort from the dame would have been appreciated. She was obviously cashing a check while hoping that her good looks would gap the rest. Didn't work. To make matters worse, she also had ZERO chemistry with RoBo-Bentley which buried the already hurting love story 6 feet under. And what of Christian Slater you may ask? Well at least it seemed like he had fun with the role, chewing that scenery like an Ethiopian at an all you can eat buffet. But from this twerp's point of view, it also looked like he wasn't directed for a second. He'd overact plus taxes now and again, shooting the role's credibility in the foot in the process. Straight up I winced a couple of times in sheer embarrassment for Slater. It pains me to say it being that I love the dude... but he's a much better actor than this. Finally the cap off just dragged on and on and on and on to the point that fast forwarding the ending and jumping off my balcony to erase the crud I was witnessing out of my Grey matter crossed my mind. I didn't do either, but the fact that I thought about it says a lot.

Anything nice to say about this cinematic turd? Well some of the sleek visuals and camera work hit home, making the flick go down smoother than it should have. I dug Greg Bryk as the psycho henchman, the score owned and some of the lines worked, usually having to do with Slater motor mouthing existential jargon. And the Pet Semetary-ish apparition thing they did added a bit of spices to the proceedings; too bad they didn't really do anything with it though. Lets face it here, King's short story is a good one, a revenge tale with an Edgar Allen Poe twist and now and again, its potential would shine through this shit sandwich... but not near enough. At the end of the of celluloid rape; this dull, clumsy and cold flick was a mammoth waste of my Sunday morning. Where's Frank Darabont when you need him??? SHEESH!

GORE
Some gun shots wounds, that's it.
T & A
We get a couple of G-Stringed butt cheeks at a strip club.
BOTTOM LINE
Stephen King's short story Dolan's Cadillac could make for a pretty good movie - alas this wasn't it. Shoddy storytelling, miscasting, actors obviously not directed enough, shitty dialogue, no heart, no soul, no balls... this flick came off as a first semester student film with names and a budget.Yeah the basic storyline was all right, some of the visuals tight, Christian Slater was fun to watch when he wasn't crossing the line, some lines came through and the Poe elements were kind of of cool but without credible characters and a hero to side with - all of the positives were worth squat... SQUAT! Its been a while since I hated a film as much as this one, hope it doesn't happen again soon...cause sitting through it and then writing about it f*cking hurt!
BULL'S EYE
Screenwriter Richard Dooling also co-produced and co-wrote the ABC miniseries Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital (2004).

This was director Jeff Beesley's first big movie. He directed episodes of Corner Gas and Little Mosque on the Prairie before that.

The bulk of the film was shot in Saskatchewan, Canada.
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6:35PM on 07/28/2010

Ugh

Yeah, the saddest thing is that King's short story is awesome, but this movie totally butchered it.

Die-hard Stephen King fans (like me) will enjoy this LESS because it ruins King's good work.
Yeah, the saddest thing is that King's short story is awesome, but this movie totally butchered it.

Die-hard Stephen King fans (like me) will enjoy this LESS because it ruins King's good work.
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+0
12:57PM on 04/20/2010

Not good

I usually love reading your 1 out 4 reviews, they crack me up (the original Fantastic 4 review, great stuff)! But this one just sounds painful, I'll definitely give this film a miss
I usually love reading your 1 out 4 reviews, they crack me up (the original Fantastic 4 review, great stuff)! But this one just sounds painful, I'll definitely give this film a miss
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10:44AM on 04/20/2010

I liked it, despite some real flaws.

I argee with Mr. Fallon for the dialogue of the movie to be over-written at times. Especially when you are hearing Wes Bentley's narration.

At times, it is a bit much and also the director goes overboard with some pointless visuals.

But Christian Slater and Wes Bentley given good performances. The movie was modestly entertaining and also it gets really nasty during the darkly amusing third act of the picture.

I got the short story at home, i should read it. Die-Hard Stephen King fans
I argee with Mr. Fallon for the dialogue of the movie to be over-written at times. Especially when you are hearing Wes Bentley's narration.

At times, it is a bit much and also the director goes overboard with some pointless visuals.

But Christian Slater and Wes Bentley given good performances. The movie was modestly entertaining and also it gets really nasty during the darkly amusing third act of the picture.

I got the short story at home, i should read it. Die-Hard Stephen King fans will probably enjoy this more. The movie is also well shot in Widescreen and there's an scene stealing performance by Greg Byrk (Death Race, A History of Violence) as Dolan's bodyguard.

Judge it for yourself.
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