ARROW IN THE HEAD REVIEWS

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Ghoulies 2 (1987)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Albert Band

Starring:
Jon Pennell/Bobby
Royal Dano/Uncle Ned
Phil Fondacaro/Sir Nigel
J. Downing/P. Harding
PLOT-CRUNCH
Constipated looking Demon Muppets take over a wandering carnival populated by losers and a grating midget. And that’s that!
THE LOWDOWN
I just got the double whammy "Ghoulies" DVD (Part 1 and Part 2 on one disk). I couldn’t stomach to watch the abysmal Part 1 again (read review here, incidentally it was my first review ever, see how short it was), so I went straight to Part 2.

Having learned form the pain I went through when watching the first "Ghoulies", this time I brought some hefty back-up. I bravely came in with a Heineken in tow and invited my bro Deke to join, who himself wisely brought over the best weapon of all: a Tornado Lemonade. We were ready for the pain…or were we? Here are 13 things that we learned while watching the steamy, smelly and sticky crapfest better known as..."Ghoulies 2".

1) Old drunks that ramble on and on about magic non-stop can cause more bodily harm to an audience member than a girl licking that same audience member’s bung hole with a razor sharp, spiked tongue ring dipped in acid.

2) There’s only one thing worse than a Shakespeare-quoting midget and that’s a Shakespeare-quoting midget that looks like a member of 80’s crud band Hall and Oates. God, we wished that somebody had stuffed that guy in a sock drawer already to shut his freaking yapper!

3) If you cast a chick to be the love interest in a horror film, make sure that she’s remotely attractive as opposed to looking like a revolting, used up, tear-and-wear blow up doll (see Kerry Remsen….yeesh!)

4) Cops in this movie are so beyond useless that it's not even funny. Wow. No wonder the world is going to hell.

5) The green baby-like lizard Ghoulie has got his own shit going on; why was he so manic depressive about things? I guess I’d be whining all the time too if I constantly had a hand up my rectum. NOTE: Is it me or does he look exactly like the new born Lizard baby from “V”? Close cousins perhaps?

6) Rich snotty bad guys in cheap K-Mart suits can wear that same ugly suit every damn day while at the same time letting their wind-tunnel-tested hairdos do most of the acting. Lousy acting at that!

7) What do you when a midget becomes aggressive and name calls someone a “philistine” in a movie? Shut your TV off on the spot and burn the DVD because it can’t logically get better after that. Trust me...it didn’t.

8) When Ghoulies have fun at a Carnival…we DON’T! Who knew that little Demon Buggers causing havoc could be so un-involving and freaking snore-inducing? I’ve witnessed games of Yahtzee more captivating than the dum-dum shenanigans these Mogwais pulled (oops, wrong creature).

9) Folks at Carnivals are mindless sheep. All you have to say is something along the lines of “This ride is cool” and they will flock to that ride in frenzy as if it was Happy Hour at the Hefner household. Somebody needs to get out of the house more often.

10) Movies about green monsters going ape-shite can sport a dull pace, extensive bland monologues, in-depth character development (why?) and never ending barf dramatic lines that will have you reaching for the six-shooter.

11) You know you’re in trouble when you can’t laugh with a B-Movie or worse...you can’t even laugh at it! Yikes!

12) If you HAVE to watch this film, get a buddy over and with his help, provide a homemade commentary...it’s the only way to get to the end credits without offing yourself or a neighbor first.

13) Gobbling pizza and drinking lots of beer won’t make this flick an easier watch but sucker-punching your boy in the face out of the blue will. We both chuckled as he was wiping the blood off his nose! That’s the only smiles we got out of our "Ghoulies 2" experience. Take note and yes kids…TRY IT AT HOME! It shows your hombre that you care.

The sole positive spec we got out this wreck was that although stop motion is obvious in its trickery, it’s still more endearing than today’s cold CGI. Aaaaah, the good ol' days. Wait! Is that a flushing noise, I hear? Yup, there goes another Ghoulies movie down the pipes. Two down, two to go!
GORE
We get some Ghoulie bites, knife stabs, an after-the-fact bit off arm and Kerry Remsen’s close-ups.
ACTING
Damon Martin (Larry) looked hungover in every scene...party on dude! Royal Dano (Uncle Ned) played an annoying mess; he worked and truly annoyed me. Phil Fondacaro (Sir Nigel) played a midget that quoted Shakespeare left and right. Do you want to slit your wrist first or should I do the honors?J. Downing (P. Harding) was "the jerk" and acted with his hair. Kerry Remsen (Nicole) was the scariest thing in this movie. Those close-ups…brrrr!
T & A
That feline Ghoulie was hot stuff. You see the tail on that animal?! Baby got back!
DIRECTING
Aim, shoot, overdo it in the close-ups, put your audience in a coma and give directions to your actors after the film is released. Last I heard, they still didn’t get their direction to this day. That must have been the director’s motto.
SOUNDTRACK
"Scream until You like It" by WASP boomed in and I guess that’s where the budget went. The score in this flick was beyond out of place, tacky and overly dramatic. Get that man AWAY from the synthesizer…NOW!
DVD FEATURES
Distributor: MGM

IMAGE: Ghoulies 1 and 2 showcased 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen images. The transfers were pretty good with sharpness in tow.

SOUND: Ghoulies had adequate mono sound while Ghoulies 2 put out superior Dolby Surround Sound.

EXTRAS: We get a Trailer for both films. If you actually enjoy these films, than the DVDs should please you. Quality is abound, even though the EXTRAS are slim.
BOTTOM LINE
What do a Shakespeare quoting midget and an apple have in common? They both look real good hanging from a freaking tree. Yep, it was that excruciating and groan-inducing. “Kill” was definitely on the fritz after this watch! See "Gremlins" or "Critters" again instead of this shite, because the B in this B-Movie stands for BOREFEST! "Ghoulies 2" is not good, not "so bad, it’s good"...in fact, it’s just plain bad and worst of all...TEDIOUS to sit through. Toss this one in the trash can along with Part 1and that damn midget. Thanks for the moral support through this rough patch, Deko! I owe you one!
BULL'S EYE
Dennis Paoli wrote the script for this film and also wrote "Dagon" and co-wrote "From Beyond" and "Re-Animator".
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