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Hatchet (2007)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Adam Green

Starring:
Joel Moore/Ben
Tamara Feldman/Marybeth
Deon Richmond/Marcus
Kane Hodder/Victor Crowley/Mr. Crowley
8 10
PLOT-CRUNCH
A group of varied peeps (teens, bimbos, Yankees) sees their welfare New Orleans swamp tour go down the "Drano" when deformed madman Victor Crowley butchers the freaking crap out of them...just because he can! My kind of lad!
THE LOWDOWN

 Are you sure the number is 911? - Misty

Living in Canada has it perks, the place is chill, the ladies are fine & easy and the beer is tops. But taking into account my job, it has some drawbacks. One of them is not being in LA to see as of yet un-distributed films that you're dying to get down with. HATCHET was one of those. This year, I tried everything to get to watch this bad boy but to no avail. It took me going to the Sitges Film Festival in Spain to finally bear wrestle this monkey and teach it a lesson. And the verdict is? I HAD A BLAST!
 
At first glance Hatchet might come across as any other slasher. The characters are all types, the story is 1-2-3 and pretty much everybody had victim stamped on their butt-cheeks. What set this fucka apart from the newest generation of slashers is that it stabbed where it count when it comes to the sub genre. First the stereotypical characters were all given very witty and raunchy dialogue to spit out and were all played by appealing actors/actresses. Right there, I gave a shite about them. Didn't need more than that in this type of film.  Deacon Richmond in particular owned the movie for me. He was a black man, who was hilarious yes, but far from the usual token black guy that I've grown to hate. Its about f*cking time! Thank you!

The flick upped the ante on the kills as well. Outlandish, mean spirited and gruesome murders like the ones found in this film are absent from most (if not all) modern teeny bop slashers. How refreshing was it to see a dead teenager movie that embraced what it was! It didn't pretend to be a "supernatural thriller", it was a f*cking slasher and it was proud to be one. Gore hound heed my vacuous words, you'll pop a boner over the slash-slash found in this abattoir. What a mess! I loved it! And finally no old school slasher is complete without female juggles bouncing about and this one gave them up in spades. There were so many jugs in this movie (with Mercedes McNab's twins being my favs) that I lost count...and I never lose count...lol! Stab to that a swifter than swift pace, mood imbued directing by Green, old school slasher nods galore and a handful of groovy horror king cameos (Kane Hodder showing a sensitive side...I bought it!) and you get a wet and wild ride that aimed to satisfy the slasher fans of the world and succeeded at it and then some.

On the flip side of the blade, the story at hand was as by the numbers as you get within the slasher field hence I was rarely surprised as to what went down.  Some of the humor missed my boat occasionally as well as they overdid a couple of jokes by running them into the ground. With that said, that happened maybe twice so it wasn't too much of a hindrance. Lastly the score had a tendency to go randomly tacky on my ass. Didn't ruin the experience but I had a couple of "why the f*ck are they using this cheery crap while in a creepy swamp" moments. All in all, I dare ya to find a slasher as entertaining as Hatchet in this day and age of impotent slashers. I was highly entertained by this mean machine and recommend it to all slasher fans who crave to see the "slash" back in slasher. Hatchet rocked!

GORE
The gore gags by maestro John Carl Buechler came through hardcore with ripped limbs galore, a pulled open head, a head twisted off, an impalement, some power tool fun, a cut off foot and much more all executed in rip roaring graphic ways! ITS GORE MADNESS!
ACTING
A geek as a lead? I bought it and Joel Moore (Ben) sold it with his likeable and funny show. Tamara Feldman (Marybeth) gave depth to a character that couldn't have had any. Props! Deon Richmond (Marcus) was hilarious as the token black guy in "Not Another Teen Movie" and here he transcended that by playing a black man who happens to be funny yet mucho credible and smart at the same time. Loved him in the role and wanna see more of him in future films! 

Mercedes McNab (Misty) was side splitting as the dink bimbo with one brain cell. Her many tit shots also brought a smile on my face and in my Jeans. Kane Hodder (Victor Crowley/Mr. Crowley) showed "expressive eyes" as the father of the killer and gave us a new kind of slasher to root for in wild man Victor Crowley. Parry Shen (Shawn) = funny. Robert Englund (Sampson) and Joshua Leonard (Ainsley) rocked it in their cameos while Tony Todd (Clive Washington) gave a different type of performance with his. Don't know how I feel about his flamboyant display yet but it was definitely interesting.

T & A
And its titties madness too! We get all kinds of melon shots via the Mardis Gras scenes whilst the two bimbos of the film just couldn't keep their tops on...I respected that on levels that only I can understand. Oh and the dames made out a few times...I respected that even more!
DIRECTING
Green injected the film with swaying bleak atmosphere while displaying a firm handle on his kill bits. All I needed was a bit more suspense.
SOUNDTRACK
When the score was on, it was on. I'm talking some industrial rock (Korn opened the film) and a score that sported shades of Friday the 13th at times. But when it was off, it was off. Last thing I wanna hear when I witness a boat in a creepy swamp with a killer on the loose is some "happy go lucky" type ditties.
BOTTOM LINE
HATCHET wore its title well as it was filled to the brim with hacks, slashs and red splats all around. The knee slapping dialogue, the furious pace, the tight acting and the countless number of breasts popping out kicked in to up the Arrow lovin too! Of course, it was far from original, following the slasher mold without blinking, some of the jokes didn't work me up and the score was on & off but at the end of the neck slap I had a f*cking riot act with this class act and that's all I needed. What is the meaning of life? Will the evil that men do go on and on? Will I ever bang 4 bisexual broads at the same time? WHO CARES! Gimme some tits, gore, laughs and Hodder and all is well in my sad world! ALL IS F*CKING WELL!
BULL'S EYE
Look out for effects guru John Carl Buechler in his cameo as Jack Cracker.

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5:58PM on 09/14/2010
i give it two stars, .5 for each of the nice tits on the two main chicks. other than that...meh.
i give it two stars, .5 for each of the nice tits on the two main chicks. other than that...meh.
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1:19PM on 07/28/2010
Loved it! The directing was fantastic. The killer was great, and we got a GREAT heroine in Marybeth. Most people love the killers, but it is the cool heroines I love! I loved Marybeth! She was strong, brave, realistic, and cute as hell. Ben was also a great character. The characters weren't really all that developed, but a few of them were really likable, and a majority of them were funny.
The killer was BADASS!!! I hope he gets himself a franchise! He was brutal, and MAN were these
Loved it! The directing was fantastic. The killer was great, and we got a GREAT heroine in Marybeth. Most people love the killers, but it is the cool heroines I love! I loved Marybeth! She was strong, brave, realistic, and cute as hell. Ben was also a great character. The characters weren't really all that developed, but a few of them were really likable, and a majority of them were funny.
The killer was BADASS!!! I hope he gets himself a franchise! He was brutal, and MAN were these death scenes fanfuckingtastic!
Which brings me to the bad...A majority of the characters I didn't give a fuck about, plus I HATED the score for the first half of the movie. It got great though when the horror started. But my biggest issue is...where was the suspense!? This was a VERY fun movie. I was always entertained and never bored. But where were my chase scenes? There was pretty much no suspense and the film was TOO focused on the comedy. I don't mind some funny bits...but this film should've have been MORE of a horror film.
Overall, I still had a great time.
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1:18PM on 07/28/2010
Loved it! The directing was fantastic. The killer was great, and we got a GREAT heroine in Marybeth. Most people love the killers, but it is the cool heroines I love! I loved Marybeth! She was strong, brave, realistic, and cute as hell. Ben was also a great character. The characters weren't really all that developed, but a few of them were really likable, and a majority of them were funny.
The killer was BADASS!!! I hope he gets himself a franchise! He was brutal, and MAN were these
Loved it! The directing was fantastic. The killer was great, and we got a GREAT heroine in Marybeth. Most people love the killers, but it is the cool heroines I love! I loved Marybeth! She was strong, brave, realistic, and cute as hell. Ben was also a great character. The characters weren't really all that developed, but a few of them were really likable, and a majority of them were funny.
The killer was BADASS!!! I hope he gets himself a franchise! He was brutal, and MAN were these death scenes fanfuckingtastic!
Which brings me to the bad...A majority of the characters I didn't give a fuck about, plus I HATED the score for the first half of the movie. It got great though when the horror started. But my biggest issue is...where was the suspense!? This was a VERY fun movie. I was always entertained and never bored. But where were my chase scenes? There was pretty much no suspense and the film was TOO focused on the comedy. I don't mind some funny bits...but this film should've have been MORE of a horror film.
Overall, I still had a great time.
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12:45AM on 04/25/2008
I had high hopes for this flick after Arrow's review (and others online) and found it to be very disappointing.

I love New Orleans, and I love slasher films, but this was just a notch or two above unwatchable. It has a decent amount of gore, and obviously those that made it really love the genre, but those two factors don't mean it was a good horror movie.

Sorry.
I had high hopes for this flick after Arrow's review (and others online) and found it to be very disappointing.

I love New Orleans, and I love slasher films, but this was just a notch or two above unwatchable. It has a decent amount of gore, and obviously those that made it really love the genre, but those two factors don't mean it was a good horror movie.

Sorry.
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2:23PM on 04/12/2008

underrated

I loved this!The goriest slasher ever,with every slasher icon that comes to mind other than Savini,what's not to love?Moore is amazing as are the rest of the cast,I don't get what is with the hate,but I did think the humour was out of place.
I loved this!The goriest slasher ever,with every slasher icon that comes to mind other than Savini,what's not to love?Moore is amazing as are the rest of the cast,I don't get what is with the hate,but I did think the humour was out of place.
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12:38PM on 12/28/2007

Disappointed!!

I always give a movie at least a 2/4 (or 50%) if I would watch it again. I would not watch this movie again. YES it's gory, but the gore is over the top and cheesy in many of the kills. Blood should not spray in a fine mist like you just poked a tiny hole in a garden hose - you just cut off somebody's head my man! The action was too far between also - the lame characters and lamer comedy did not hold my interest. The smoking hot brunette was the only thing keeping me awake between the
I always give a movie at least a 2/4 (or 50%) if I would watch it again. I would not watch this movie again. YES it's gory, but the gore is over the top and cheesy in many of the kills. Blood should not spray in a fine mist like you just poked a tiny hole in a garden hose - you just cut off somebody's head my man! The action was too far between also - the lame characters and lamer comedy did not hold my interest. The smoking hot brunette was the only thing keeping me awake between the kills - but then she got killed in a pretty cool fashion (but with totally impossible weapon for a guy who lives in a swamp with no power). That's the rub with Hatchet - you keep saying, yeah, that was cool...BUT, BUT, BUT. The way the movie looked was amateurish, sort of TV-movie ish. And Crowley's backstory? C'mon! Horrible! How scary is a guy who wanders through the swamp crying for his Daddy?

It's worth a watch for big fans of the genre - and Crowley himself has some franchise potential if this movie makes enough on DVD to give the director a little more $$ to make the movie.
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3:11PM on 12/22/2007

overrated of the year award goes to..

Hatchet is pretty terrible. I was expecting a lot; from John Fallon's awesome review to Harry Knowles sucking Green's dick and watching it 7 times at festivals I was pumped to see something great. What I got was terrible acting (aside from Moore's occasional greatness), a redundant structure (which i can forgive), shady photography, lousy video game-esc suspense music and an absolute tame script that puts an exclamation mark at the end of the term "pussy ending". This was like a frat boys
Hatchet is pretty terrible. I was expecting a lot; from John Fallon's awesome review to Harry Knowles sucking Green's dick and watching it 7 times at festivals I was pumped to see something great. What I got was terrible acting (aside from Moore's occasional greatness), a redundant structure (which i can forgive), shady photography, lousy video game-esc suspense music and an absolute tame script that puts an exclamation mark at the end of the term "pussy ending". This was like a frat boys project that tries to be an Eli Roth horrorfest but ends up falling smack down between a shit and a fart. Mentioning that a new film tries to be like Eli Roth and fails says a lot, since Eli isn't exactly a horror genius but I guess he is the best American horror has to offer now a days.
I'm not going to completely 'not' recommend it since the kind of people reading this review are pretty adventurous when it comes to slashers. Occasionally it got a laugh out of me and seeing Todd, Englund and Hodder in one go was pleasing.

Still, as a horror "icon" Crowly doesn't measure up to the other big guys, despite having a great genre actor doing his best behind the thick latex.
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1:07PM on 12/20/2007
I pretty much agree with everything Arrow brought up in his review (although the music never got to me) except I had one major complaint, and that's the horribly lazy ending the movie has. Also the locations were never really used properly, it seemed like the characters went from swamp clearing to swamp clearing most of the time. Still, it's badass slasher movie that's a cut above the rest (no pun intended)
I pretty much agree with everything Arrow brought up in his review (although the music never got to me) except I had one major complaint, and that's the horribly lazy ending the movie has. Also the locations were never really used properly, it seemed like the characters went from swamp clearing to swamp clearing most of the time. Still, it's badass slasher movie that's a cut above the rest (no pun intended)
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2:49PM on 09/11/2007

A bit dissapointed

Well, Ive been waiting a loooong time for this one since Im probably one of the most fanatic slasherfans on this planet ;)
But I was a bit dissapointed by the movie. First it takes about 40 minutes before the freaks turns upp for the goremayhem. And those 40 minutes was kinda crappy. The two lead characters was pretty good, but the rest sucked so bad I wanted to blow my head off. Why the HELL couldnt they just have made this one dead serious?? sure a few jokes are okey. But this movie
Well, Ive been waiting a loooong time for this one since Im probably one of the most fanatic slasherfans on this planet ;)
But I was a bit dissapointed by the movie. First it takes about 40 minutes before the freaks turns upp for the goremayhem. And those 40 minutes was kinda crappy. The two lead characters was pretty good, but the rest sucked so bad I wanted to blow my head off. Why the HELL couldnt they just have made this one dead serious?? sure a few jokes are okey. But this movie feels more like a parody than a horror movie at times.
But when Victor Crowley finally showed up the gore was everywhere. Some of the best gore/kills Ive ever seen in a slasher movie. Totally up there with the good ol classics from the early 80:s.

Too bad about the "comedy" and the first 40 minutes. If the entire movie rocked just as good as the LAST 40 minutes then this could have been a new CLASSIC!

Still hoping for an improved sequel ;)
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2:42PM on 09/08/2007

Score KoRn

Hey Arrow, I thought the track that opened the film was Marilyn Manson's 'This is the New $#!T" and NOT a KoRn track??? If it was, or there is a KoRn track in the film, PLEASE lmk what it is!! Thanks
Hey Arrow, I thought the track that opened the film was Marilyn Manson's 'This is the New $#!T" and NOT a KoRn track??? If it was, or there is a KoRn track in the film, PLEASE lmk what it is!! Thanks
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1:59PM on 09/08/2007

Sold!

Haven't seen the film yet, but based on the reviews I need to know where can I pre-order the DVD?
Haven't seen the film yet, but based on the reviews I need to know where can I pre-order the DVD?
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7:20AM on 09/08/2007

hatchet

I got lucky last july and was able to see this movie at fantasia and i actually thought that i was a really fun movie to watch. I must not be the only one that thought so since it won the people'S choice award for best europeen or north american movie at the fantasia festival this year. Like you said, this was pretty much by the numbers as far as the story goes but who cares anyway. When a slasher movie actually gives you gores and is original about it you don'T cares that everything else is by
I got lucky last july and was able to see this movie at fantasia and i actually thought that i was a really fun movie to watch. I must not be the only one that thought so since it won the people'S choice award for best europeen or north american movie at the fantasia festival this year. Like you said, this was pretty much by the numbers as far as the story goes but who cares anyway. When a slasher movie actually gives you gores and is original about it you don'T cares that everything else is by the number.
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+0
5:10AM on 09/08/2007

hmmm

I saw the first 20 mins of this and just couldn't stand anymore! It was horrible - dry dialogue and crap acting! You found the black guy funny??? And as for gore... man oh man - the killing of the first 2 in the intro, ouch - it looked so fake and silly! Nah... prefer to stick to wrong turn 2 for gore and the new Halloween for all round good acting in a slasher type movie. Avoid!
I saw the first 20 mins of this and just couldn't stand anymore! It was horrible - dry dialogue and crap acting! You found the black guy funny??? And as for gore... man oh man - the killing of the first 2 in the intro, ouch - it looked so fake and silly! Nah... prefer to stick to wrong turn 2 for gore and the new Halloween for all round good acting in a slasher type movie. Avoid!
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10:49AM on 09/07/2007
I must say that I feel it is incredible hard to make a slasher movie. They are dying out because everything has been done and overdone. However, this being said, Hatchet was a fresh spin on the usual slasher. From the music in the opening you will realize that this movie doesn't want to be taken seriously. The characters, while being one-dimensional, are actually developed very well. Come on...any movie that stars JP from Grandmas Boy has to be cheesy. I loved it. Also, the gore was freakin
I must say that I feel it is incredible hard to make a slasher movie. They are dying out because everything has been done and overdone. However, this being said, Hatchet was a fresh spin on the usual slasher. From the music in the opening you will realize that this movie doesn't want to be taken seriously. The characters, while being one-dimensional, are actually developed very well. Come on...any movie that stars JP from Grandmas Boy has to be cheesy. I loved it. Also, the gore was freakin phenominal! The ripped open head was mucho amazing, and I don't think I've seen better gore in any other movie. The gore rocked my socks.

The only problem I had with this movie were some of the decisions of who got killed. I'm not giving anything away, but some of the more credible characters I was rooting for, didn't quite make it. All in all Hatchet was fan-freakin-tastic and needs to be seen...by everyone!
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7:36PM on 10/12/2006

Need to see now!

I saw the poster and now that right there made me want to see the film. This review only makes me want to see it more.
I saw the poster and now that right there made me want to see the film. This review only makes me want to see it more.
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