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House of Wax(2005)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Jaume Serra

Starring:
Elisha Cuthbert/Carly
Chad Michael Murray/Nick
Brian Van Holt/Bo/Vincent
Paris Hilton/Paige
6 10
PLOT-CRUNCH
Cookie cutter teens on their way to a football game get detoured, stranded and eventually butchered by two loony wax loving bro-hams who have “kill” on the fritz. Should’ve called this one The Texas Ear Wax Massacre.
THE LOWDOWN
I can’t say that I’ve been too boner induced with Dark Castle’s slate of body bags thus far. After the fun “The House on the Haunted Hill” they went on to make lots of crap. I’m talking: 13 Crap, Ghost Shit and Gothikrap! So I was expecting House of Crap when sitting in that sticky theatre seat to view their latest abortion. Did I get my just crapola dessert?

Well yes and no. House of Wax was an odd experience for me where on paper; it was ho-hum to say the least but I still managed to digest its rotten meat to have a good time with it none the less. Lets face it, the storyline at play here reeked of “been there done that” (its TCM but with wax), the slim fast characters actually managed to go beneath “types” (along with their sad sack relationships) while the plot turns were see through, right down to the “final, pre end credit revelation” that I guessed 5 minutes before it was uttered. Having said that, I still enjoyed lots of it…why? Three reasons: 1- The wax angle brought mucho creepy, eerie, cringe inducing and at times somewhat novel scenarios to the plate (loved that wax house stuff). 2- The potent directing often spruced up this meatball to sizzle. 3- The high level of graphic brutality (gore baby, gore) tagged with a delicious mean spirit-ness and a warped sense of humor. This bitch didn’t take any prisoners when it came to delivering the ugly goods! It reveled in sadism and I highly respected that.

Sadly, the plentiful sour-Ketchup, laced goodies didn’t change the fact that the build-up to get to them was way too long! I felt like I was watching a Russian submarine epic over here! Get on with it already! Now don’t get me wrong, I love a strategically paced film as much as the next a-hole, but this felt like dicking around within a shaky narrative structure in the name of padding time. It sure wasn’t about unraveling and strengthening a weighty story or characters. Personally, it’s really hard for me to remain patient when I don’t give two shits about the lead players, feel insulted by the miserable attempts at characterization (she’s pregnant…I guess she’s a real person then…who gives a shit) and can predict 95% of the “surprises” that are going to happen eons before they do. All that to say, the bodies couldn’t have hit the wax floor soon enough!

Overall, House of Wax was a pedestrian and actually dumber than the norm “stranded teens, hunted by psychos” entry that I forgave due to its endearing mean streak, its red splashes and it solid production values. I say take a bite out of it but don’t do like me and think too hard about it afterwards. The more I linger on the movie, the stupider it gets. Now go wax that Hilton ass!
GORE
You know what? Since the kills were the highlights of the film, I won’t give them away in th9is section. I’ll just say this; look out for the one that gets a “pole job”…one of for the damn Kill Book of Fun Stuff.
ACTING
Elisha Cuthbert (Carly) ran, screamed and ran some more. Good job…I guess. NOTE: Nice cleavage on that animal. Chad Michael Murray (Nick) reminded me of Ryan Phillipe’s character in "I Know What You Did Last Summer" but with facial hair. I’ll give the guy this, he had focus and presence and those were the main reasons as to why his character stood out. Brian Van Holt (Bo/Vincent) reminded me of Bill Paxton for some reason. I bought it! Paris Hilton (Paige) can’t act and looks sedated half the time but I’d tap that ass with everything I got! There’s just something about the dame that makes her so damn “f*ckable”. Jared Padalecki (Wade) wasn’t given much to do, but he said his lines with conviction while showcasing striking light beard stubble. Jon Abrahams (Dalton) played the “video camera dweeb” adequately. And here I thought that character-type had died in the 90’s…I WAS WRONG…bugh.
T & A
aris Hilton showed off her hot bod in sexy red undergarments (I preferred seeing her suck knob on the net but that’s just me) and the ladies get buffed up, shirtless dudes left and right.
DIRECTING
Jaume Serra’s music video background made sure to make the film’s visuals winning in an eye-candy way. He also had a strong knack at building tension and got me good with a couple of “boo scares”. Respectable stuff.
SOUNDTRACK
The score by John Ottman often elevated the excitement factor to a higher level. I dug it the most! We also get some random “lets sell that soundtrack” rock/rap tunes.
BOTTOM LINE
Was this House of Wax or House of Crap? Let’s see…generic plot? ZINGO! Pathetically drawn out characters/relationships? ZINGO! A long winded first hour and a so-so script structure? ZINGO! So why am I calling it House of Wax as opposed to tossing it in the trash can next to my ex girlfriend’s severed head? Well in my morgue, savage cruelty, nasty gore, chilling/grandiose wax creations and Paris Hilton’s nickleback butt cheeks go a long way. Conclusion; when the end credits rolled I was happy to have taken a bite out of this “assembly line” yet hot pepper spicy cheese-burger. You gonna order one of these or what? Your call!
BULL'S EYE
The flick is a remake, in name only to the 1953 classic of the same name starring Vincent Price.

Screenwriter Chad Hayes also wrote some Baywatch episodes and the upcoming Stephen Hokins genre opus The Reaping.

The movie was shot in Australia

VISIT THE HOUSE OF WAX WEBSITE

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