House of Wax (2005)
Director: Jaume Serra
Chad Michael Murray/Nick
Brian Van Holt/Bo/Vincent
Cookie cutter teens on their way to a football game get detoured, stranded and eventually butchered by two loony wax loving bro-hams who have â€śkillâ€ť on the fritz. Shouldâ€™ve called this one The Texas Ear Wax Massacre.
I canâ€™t say that Iâ€™ve been too boner induced with Dark Castleâ€™s slate of body bags thus far. After the fun
â€śThe House on the Haunted Hillâ€ť
they went on to make lots of crap. Iâ€™m talking:
Gothikrap! So I was expecting House of Crap when sitting in that sticky theatre seat to view their latest abortion. Did I get my just crapola dessert?
Well yes and no. House of Wax was an odd experience for me where on paper; it was ho-hum to say the least but I still managed to digest its rotten meat to have a good time with it none the less. Lets face it, the storyline at play here reeked of â€śbeen there done thatâ€ť (its
but with wax), the slim fast characters actually managed to go beneath â€śtypesâ€ť (along with their sad sack relationships) while the plot turns were see through, right down to the â€śfinal, pre end credit revelationâ€ť that I guessed 5 minutes before it was uttered.
Having said that, I still enjoyed lots of itâ€¦why? Three reasons:
1- The wax angle brought mucho creepy, eerie, cringe inducing and at times somewhat novel scenarios to the plate (loved that wax house stuff).
2- The potent directing often spruced up this meatball to sizzle.
3- The high level of graphic brutality (gore baby, gore) tagged with a delicious mean spirit-ness and a warped sense of humor. This bitch didnâ€™t take any prisoners when it came to delivering the
ugly goods! It reveled in sadism and I highly respected that.
Sadly, the plentiful sour-Ketchup, laced goodies didnâ€™t change the fact that the build-up to get to them was way too long! I felt like I was watching a Russian submarine epic over here! Get on with it already! Now donâ€™t get me wrong, I love a strategically paced film as much as the next a-hole, but this felt like dicking around within a shaky narrative structure in the name of padding time. It sure wasnâ€™t about unraveling and strengthening a weighty story or characters. Personally, itâ€™s really hard for me to remain patient when I donâ€™t give two shits about the lead players, feel insulted by the miserable attempts at characterization (sheâ€™s pregnantâ€¦I guess sheâ€™s a real person thenâ€¦who gives a shit) and can predict 95% of the â€śsurprisesâ€ť that
are going to happen eons before they do. All that to say, the bodies couldnâ€™t have hit the
wax floor soon enough!
Overall, House of Wax was a pedestrian and actually dumber than the norm â€śstranded teens, hunted by psychosâ€ť entry that I forgave due to its endearing mean streak, its red splashes and it solid production values. I say take a bite out of it but donâ€™t do like me and think too hard about it afterwards. The more I linger on the movie, the stupider it gets. Now go wax that Hilton ass!
You know what? Since the kills were the highlights of the film, I wonâ€™t give them away in th9is section. Iâ€™ll just say this; look out for the one that gets a â€śpole jobâ€ťâ€¦one of for the damn Kill Book of Fun Stuff.
Elisha Cuthbert (Carly) ran, screamed and ran some more. Good jobâ€¦I guess. NOTE: Nice cleavage on that animal. Chad Michael Murray (Nick) reminded me of Ryan Phillipeâ€™s character in "I Know What You Did Last Summer" but with facial hair. Iâ€™ll give the guy this, he had focus and presence and those were the main reasons as to why his character stood out. Brian Van Holt (Bo/Vincent) reminded me of Bill Paxton for some reason. I bought it!
Paris Hilton (Paige) canâ€™t act and looks sedated half the time but Iâ€™d tap that ass with everything I got! Thereâ€™s just something about the dame that makes her so damn â€śf*ckableâ€ť. Jared Padalecki (Wade) wasnâ€™t given much to do, but he said his lines with conviction while showcasing striking light beard stubble. Jon Abrahams (Dalton) played the â€śvideo camera dweebâ€ť adequately. And here I thought that character-type had died in the 90â€™sâ€¦I WAS WRONGâ€¦bugh.
T & A
aris Hilton showed off her hot bod in sexy red undergarments (I preferred seeing her suck knob on the net but thatâ€™s just me) and the ladies get buffed up, shirtless dudes left and right.
Jaume Serraâ€™s music video background made sure to make the filmâ€™s visuals winning in an eye-candy way. He also had a strong knack at building tension and got me good with a couple of â€śboo scaresâ€ť. Respectable stuff.
The score by John Ottman often elevated the excitement factor to a higher level. I dug it the most! We also get some random â€ślets sell that soundtrackâ€ť rock/rap tunes.
Was this House of Wax or House of Crap? Letâ€™s seeâ€¦generic plot? ZINGO! Pathetically drawn out characters/relationships? ZINGO! A long winded first hour and a so-so script structure? ZINGO! So why am I calling it House of Wax as opposed to tossing it in the trash can next to my ex girlfriendâ€™s severed head? Well in my morgue, savage cruelty, nasty gore, chilling/grandiose wax creations and Paris Hiltonâ€™s nickleback butt cheeks go a long way. Conclusion; when the end credits rolled I was happy to have taken a bite out of this â€śassembly lineâ€ť yet hot pepper spicy cheese-burger. You gonna order one of these or what? Your call!
The flick is a remake, in name only to the 1953 classic of the same name starring Vincent Price.
Screenwriter Chad Hayes also wrote some Baywatch episodes and the upcoming Stephen Hokins genre opus The Reaping.
The movie was shot in Australia
VISIT THE HOUSE OF WAX WEBSITE