ARROW IN THE HEAD REVIEWS

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Infested (2002)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Josh Oldon

Starring:
Amy Jo Johnson/Jessee
Robert Duncan McNeil/Eric
Zach Galligan/Warren
Nahanni Johnstone/Mindy
PLOT-CRUNCH
After a “friend’s” funeral, a group of self-absorbed and quite despicable yuppie leftovers hit a remote beach-house and find themselves battling a swarm of mutated bugs that possess people’s bodies and eat their brains from the inside. And how was your weekend? Get laid some?
THE LOWDOWN
I was mucho worried about this flick while watching its first half hour. The “dramatic” dialogue was abundant and it made my ears bleed, the characters were mostly unlikable twats, the priest’s endless monologue almost had me reaching for the steak knife, I overdosed on the countless montages with 80’s tunes in the background and it seemed like the film wasn’t going anywhere…slowly. I had three friends over and two of them nodded off 15 minutes into it to boot, but I and the other dude hung in there. We splashed Vodka in our faces to keep ourselves awake, threw nachos at each other to keep us on our toes (how old are we again?) and had burping contests because we’re “real’ men and we NEED to compete. But then, out of the freaking blue… it happened.

What was at first, a stale, painful bore fest FINALLY became a fast-paced, campy, gory and yes..."so idiotic it’s a freaking hammering buzz" offering. The film pulled its best move by having the more annoying characters become muted zombies while the two more likeable peeps of the bunch, turned into the token “heroes”. GOOD CALL! Now somebody behind this genre abortion must cum for horror movies because I picked up on heavy rips from "Evil Dead", "Night of the Living Dead", "Body Snatchers", "Night of the Creeps", and of course, "The Swarm". No, there was nothing too unique here; it was all about a handful of well-known genre conventions put out in clumsy ways. To be fair, the film did come up with the seldom good idea, but alas, the lousy execution nipped those in the bud as well. In consequence, all I got out of this flick was a melted cheese sandwich with lots of Ketchup on it. YUMMY!

If it wasn’t the cheapo CGI bug effects neutering my buddy and I to giggle oblivion, it was the inane stalk sequences, the shaky rules in regards to the bugs’ weaknesses or the character’s constant bad decisions when faced with conflict. As the clock time moved forward, everything and everybody became stupider, stupider, and stupider. The good news is that made it all so very F-U-N-N-Y. Add to that, some “howler” gore moments, kool shots of bugs inside one’s brain munching away (trippy), Zack Galligan (yes, the dude from "Gremlins") playing it evil, a ridiculous use of the most annoying song in the world (Da-Da-Da) and the phoniest exploding house I have ever seen (why did it blow up three times again?) and you get a laugh riot. My bro and I were rolling on the floor like trained, drugged up “Chia Pets”.

On the "shoot yourself in the head with a Magnum" side of the coin; I learned a hard and valuable lesson through this flick: there are worse movies out there than self-referential teen movies trying to be hip. What, you may ask? Try a self aware early thirties yuppie movie trying to either be funny or deep. BARFFFFFFF! Man, talk about whining and irritating SNOTS!! I wanted to jump in there and give most of these morons vicious golf club beatings (especially that jealous boyfriend…grow up dude). These peeps were exactly the type of waste I stay away from in REAL life, so seeing them in my living room didn’t make me a happy camper. Get out of my house and take your “Tupperware” bitches with ya!

When the end credits rolled, "Infested" had NOT given me a quality genre flick, but had tossed one hour of tacky B-movie schlock in my bowl. As I watched this corn, I never really knew what was purposely played out for laughs and what wasn’t, but at the end of the night, it didn’t matter much. I just poked fun at ALL OF IT. If you can get past the yuppie stink and the first half hour of painful blah-blah-blah, maybe you’ll get to appreciate this hilarious bug eyed Da-Da-Da. GET THE RAID AND INHALE!
GORE
Who wants bug grub? We get a neck slashed open, a severed head, poker/crow bar impaling, a nasty razor blade surgery on a leg, a cut in half body, a self-inflicted neck crack, a burned face and more!
ACTING
Amy Jo Johnson (Jessee) was the better actress here and did great with what she was given. Nice ass too! Robert Duncan McNeil (Eric) had fun with the role, although I didn’t buy that he was high on Ecstasy for a second. Research your role, buddy! RESEARCH! Zach Galligan (Warren) did fine and it was a hoot to see him play a bad guy. Nahanni Johnstone (Mindy) was way hot, had those great “fuck me” eyes and that’s all I needed from her on this particular evening.
T & A
Nahanni Johnstone gives us a glorious tit shot and it’s a peculiar one. You see, her breasts were big and behold…they were real! NO IMPLANTS! WOW!! I didn’t know they still existed in this day and age. VIVA LE NATUREL! The ladies get dick (meaning "nothing", not the genital male organ).
DIRECTING
Oldon handled his “character drama” scenes in a TV movie kind of way, but kind of made up for that with how he put out his action scenes. I dug some of the shot compositions, some of the camera angles, the slow motion and that moon/bugs shot was dope. Two more things: we needed more dark mood here, everything looked so washed out and EASY ON THE MONTAGES CHAMP!
SOUNDTRACK
We get lots of 80s songs (did the whole budget go into getting the rights to these tunes?), Da-Da-Da being the low point or the highpoint, depending on how fucked up you are. I also dug the piano inclined score by Rodney Whittenberg, pretty classy track for a such a bottom feeding movie.
BOTTOM LINE
You’re in the mood for a “Drive-In” type of B-turd that’s a riot because it’s beyond tacky on every level? Slap this sucka in the player and fry your brain cells to heaven. But be warned: the first half hour might knock you out and you might die from yuppie poisoning. Words to the wise mofos: make sure to invite some friends over for much needed backup and get a certain Dr. J. Daniels to make a house call as well...he’ll make it all ok. With all the right chips on your side, you might have some dumb ass fun with this dumb ass bitch. I sure did. DA-DA-DA a-holes…DA-DA-fuckin-DA.
BULL'S EYE
This film was shot in Long Island, New York.

Jack Mulcahy (Bob), who played the cheating husband in Ed Burns’ (great man) "The Brothers McMullen", is in this movie and so is David Packer (Elliot), who played the treacherous Daniel in the “V” TV movies (he’s pretty good here too).

Amy Jo Johnson ("Jesse") was the original Pink Ranger on "The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers". She also starred in the first Power Rangers movie.

Director Josh Olson was the art department coordinator on "Warlock".

Nahanni Johnstone (Mindy) was born in Toronto, Ontario, Canada and has a sweet ass!

Infested comes out on DVD on February 4, 2003: get the kegger, the homies and have a party.
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