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ARROW IN THE HEAD REVIEWS

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# A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Jonah Hex(2010)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Jimmy Hayward

Starring:
Josh Brolin/Jonah
John Malkovich/Quentin
Megan Fox/Lilah
5 10
PLOT-CRUNCH
Bounty Hunter cowboy (Brolin) with a mangled face, a chip on his shoulder and a couple of supernatural tricks up his sleeve gets his spurs in a bunch when his mortal nemesis (Malkovich) resurfaces with a bad hair doo and a plan to…you guessed it…destroy the US of A.
THE LOWDOWN
WARNING; Jonah Hex comic book fans will be bummed to see that the flick wasn’t too faithful to its source material. What else is new…

I was so jazzed for JONAH HEX it wasn’t even funny. It had enough bullets in its chamber to be a badass genre blast in Western land. A script by madmen Mark Neveldine & Brian Taylor, solid actor Josh Brolin and Queen-Bee-hottie Megan Fox in the leads, and rich roots in terms of the comic books it spawned from. Even when I heard the word “re-shoots” before its release I didn’t flinch, I still had my hopes up. Then the negative press starting pouring in, I didn’t give a cracker-shit, I still believeeeeeed in Hex! Now I saw the movie…ummm…yeah.

Let’s start with the good schtuff. Even though I wanted Thomas Jane in the lead, Brolin filled Hex’s shoes flawlessly. Physically imposing, quick with the dead pan quips and looking mucho cool firing guns and shit, I loved his interpretation of the character and kept wishing to see him in a real movie. Megan Fox fared well too. Her part was small but when she was onscreen, she stood out, not only due to her sizzling looks and inviting cleavage, but also cause she did a fine f*cking job. Chick gets lots of hate (cough, cough jealousy, cough, cough) and in my opinion she is bashed way too harshly. I’m not saying she’s Cate Blanchett or anything, but she did what she had to do well. Visually, the movie had it moments; eye pleasing locations, slick aesthetics (loved the animated prologue), an often on the move camera and effective CGI effects. Moreover, some of the actions scenes came through and Hex’s nifty weapons carved a smile on my neck. I really dug them dynamite slinging guns – fun times! Could use those in my neighborhood. Oh and if you have a KABOOM fetish (i.e. you dig watching shit blow up), this puppy had some that will have ya kaboom in your pants. Ouuuuu loud noise…ouuu ample fire…me likey.

What dragged this sucker down to the depths of mediocrity was its half baked and badly patched together would-be storyline, which I won’t blame the screenwriters for since it reeked of post production abuse. So I blame the producers who were too busy shaping a product instead of a film. The movie was totally in the dark when it came to doing its gnarly scenarios justice (less dazzle more edge please), limp when it came to capitalizing on its awesome lead character and in delivering a cohesive and well paced tale. And who’s the donkey that thought slashing out the violence for a PG 13 was a good idea? I’d love his name because his wife is in dire need of a dry butt fudge. Every time a potent violent bit was gonna kick in, the flick would CUT AWAY to not show shit. Look man this is JONAH HEX not the Care Bears, it’s a movie about a rage filled Bounty hunter kicking ass and burning names, CUT AWAY and don’t see shit didn’t belong here! Sigh.

And was it me or did the film lack action? I craved more gun play, more fist fights, more carnage, it needed it. Maybe if the narrative would have been engaging, I wouldn’t have jonesed so much for further bang-bang. And what was up with the tone being all over the place? The picture didn‘t seem to know what it wanted to be. There was a constant tug of war between gritty supernatural revenge flick and fluffy summer PopCorn flick. It should have stuck to the latter. Finally, the villain’s (played by John Malkovich on auto pilot) motive was, well, how I can put this, lamer than this so called review. Why do big Hollywood movies always have to have the same plotline? Why does the baddie always want to blow some part of the world up? Jonah seeking revenge would have been enough for me.

All in all, I came, I saw, I was under whelmed, I left. Jonah Hex could’ve been but the powers that be made sure that didn’t happen. Yo Hollywood! Less wasting money, less suits playing director, less cocaine, less ego trips, more filmmaking please!
GORE
All off screen. All that was missing was some glitter.
T & A
Megan Fox + cleavage friendly dress + sweat = Arrow happy.
BOTTOM LINE
Hollywood pussyfied vampires and now they just did the same with Jonah Hex, shame on ya! This should have been a no brainer. Cool anti hero whooping ass in the name of retribution in the old West. They f*cked it up, think a bunch of monkeys trying to screw in a hooker. Yeah Brolin rocked, Fox delivered and a couple of action scenes hit the spot. Too bad all that was within a slap-dash structured, meek storytelling skills narrative with neutered violence and a schizo tone to boot. See it on DVD as a time waster. And here's hoping for a unrated Director’s Cut that does it right.
BULL'S EYE
Neveldine and Taylors were initially gonna direct, but they stepped down when they didn’t see eye to eye with the Studio. Good on ya guys!

The flick had a week of re-shoots tagged to its ass with Constantine director Francis Lawrence stepping in to back-up director Jimmy Hayward.

Heavy metal band Mastodon did the score. It was too seldomly used for it to leave a mark.

Thomas Jane will voice Hex in the upcoming animated short.
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