My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)
Director: Patrick Lussier
Kerr Smith /Axe
A mining accident in a small Pennsylvania town launches nutty miner Harry Warden into a killing spree that ends with him getting axed out. Or does it? Ten years later, it seems that Mr. Warden is back from the dead to shove is trustee pick-axe up the anal orifices of the town folks. Hey! A man's gotta cut the edge somehow!!
He's gonna break your heart.
I love slasher films when they stay true to what they are. In my useless opinion, a dead horny teens abattoir opus with no splat or female ta-tas in tow is the equivalent of a steak without mash potatoes and gravy on the side. IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE! I don't watch these kinds of films for character development, an intricate storyline or to be affected emotionally. It's all about the cheap thrills! Now I didn't care much for the original MY BLOODY VALENTINE. It sure didn't help that I saw it in full on MPAA butchered mode with the exploitation goods MIA. The Uncut version has since surfaced on DVD so you bet your patoosky that I’ll be giving it a shot, see it the way it was intended to be seen. But till then here are my 4 cents on the remake.
I can't really compare the remake to the original for the simple fact that I don't remember the latter much, if at all. So MY BLOOODY VALENTINE 3D will get the Arrow Treatment on its own. My verdict? LOVED IT! I actually followed the TV Spots’ advice and brought a date to this one. She yelled and giggled constantly like a banshee getting fiercely back-handed. As for me, I was shouting "f*ck yeah" at every murder. Yup this had to be one of the most amusing times I had at the theaters in a while. The storyline was engaging, the whole was slickly shot & edited, the kills had lots of thoughts behind them, the whodunit had me ping-pong-ing non stop (I really figured out the “who” at the last act), the pacing was bam-bam-bam while the plasma and the smut was spread thick on both sides of the slice. AS IT SHOULD BE!
Nutso Harry Warden not only had a killer look (that miner outfit made for a terrifying image), he also definitely got way angrier since the 1981 original. He had no problem here with shoving his pick-axe in people's skulls, their eye sockets or under their chins to rip their jaws out. The broheem had a dead aim and a quench for OUCH that I MUCHO respected. The film's shameless take on its nudity also had my Jeans bumping and grinding. It's not every day you see a FULLY NUDE gal, burger in full view, running away from a hulking maniac with SLAUGHTER on the fritz. It made my freaking day! The acting was on the ball as well by the young cast and the veterans alike. I gotta say it; the presence of “Forever Road House” Kevin Tighe and the great Tom Atkins in a REAL role (that echoed what he did in Night of the Creeps) carved a smile on my face that couldn’t be erased.
And what about the 3D angle? Did it add to the party? Damn straight! I went out of my way to find a theater that played it in 3D (wasn’t hard to pin down on my end). There was no f*cking way I'd see this in 2D. I’m sure tackling it this way maximized the experience BIG TIME. I esteemed how the 3D went beyond shite flying out the screen. The whole of the environment was in 3D right down to Betsy Rue’s high beams (which I tried to suckle on – yeah my date loved that!). Last time I had such a hoot with sharp objects being thrown at me was when I saw FRIDAY THE 13 PART 3 in 3D on the big screen and through my last steady girlfriend who had quite a powerful throwing arm. Ahhh the good old days of ducking kitchen utensils. How I miss thee.
Any gripes with this mofo? A couple. Some silly character moves to serve the plot were abound, but that's a usual slasher ailment, they have to be dumb to get whacked. The flick also sported a couple of plot holes, especially when looking back. Then we had the middle section that felt a tad lost. I smelled some stalling there. My worst peeve though was a character one. MINOR SPOILER AHEAD BTW. For some reason everybody and their uncle's zebra ignored that Sarah ABANDONNED Tom to be killed in the prologue. The fact that nobody brought that up 10 years later within the story grated the shite out of me. All in all though MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D delivered what it promised! Creative and graphic kills, a glee for exploitation and bucket loads of body-bag fun! If you dig your slashers on the hardcore side, this one will break your heart…in a GOOD WAY! Pin it down and teach it a lesson John Holmes style!
I can't list all of the red grub here, I don’t have all day, but I will spit this: a poked out eye, ripped out hearts, mangled bodies, pick axe in the skull, shovel in the mouth (ouch), a melted face, a jaw ripped off…. get the picture? The flick was gory with a capital G!
I know Jensen Ackles (Tom) from DEVOUR (Nope never saw his SUPERNATURAL TV show). I dug him the most! Photogenic and strong acting chops. Jaime King (Sarah) looked so eatable and she brought her A Game to this one. Kerr Smith (Axel) is good at playing a-holes and he did it again here to a T. What a treat it was to see Tom Atkins (Burkel) do his thing in a recent genre film. Dude still had edge and charm to burn. Betsy Rue (Irene) was not only naked for the bulk of her role but also put out an intense and credible show. I fell in lust with Megan Boone (Megan) the moment she appeared onscreen. The camera loved her and she held her own. Had never heard of her before but will keep tabs on her now. Kevin Tighe (Ben) always brings class to films that he’s in, he did it again here. Is it me or has the dude STOPPED aging?
T & A
Betsy Rue gave us the full course via totally stripping down! I respect the girl's courage in that respect and of course dug her yummy physical attributes. Megan Boone's butt cheeks popping out of them undies also gave Arrow Jr. some good love. The ladies get Todd Farmer’s butt in 3D no less!
I always appreciated Lussier's eye as a director. Here, he gave us a moody, polished and often visually stimulating show (loved that “killer appears trick” when the lights were being shattered). Suspense was also in the house and Lussier’s knack at pulling left fields POP GOES THE KILL had me jumping in my seat like a coker out of coke.
We get a somber, harsh and razor cool synthesizer type score by Michael Wandmacher.
This is how you do a slasher RIGHT! MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D was a slashercoaster ride made for true fans of the subgenre. It brought me back to the 80’s and I thanked it for that! Easy on the eyes, paced like a motherf*cker and filled to the brim with creative/ brutal kills, this one did the trick. The unabashed nakedness and the 3D spanking also added to this one’s entertaining value. Granted the flick suffered from stumbles that plague most slashers, dumb moves to serve the narrative and random plot holes but nothing that pissed on my head to ruin my parade. If you ask me, we can expect lots more 3D movies to hit the big screen. Why? Cause its one thing you CANNOT get through your computer. In this day and age of pirating, Hollywood as to do what it has to do to get the butts in the seats and hey; if all the 3D movies are as GROOVY as this one – I’M THERE!
The flick was shot in Pennsylvania, USA .
Stay tuned after the end credits for a suprise.
Todd Farmer (Jason X) who plays Frank the Trucker is one of the film's screenwriters.
The director of the original, George Mihalka went to Paramount in 2001 with a synopsis for a sequel. They said no dice.
HACK THE MBV 3D WEBSITE HERE!