ARROW IN THE HEAD REVIEWS

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New Moon (2009)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Chris Weitz

Starring:
Kristen Stewart/Bella
Robert Pattinson/Edward
Taylor Lautner/jacob
Ashley Greene/Alice
4 10
PLOT-CRUNCH
Edward (Pattinson) dumps Bella (Stewart) because its “what’s best for her”; so Bella sulks, rebounds with GYM ANIMAL Jacob (Lautner), sulks some more, some shit happens and then more shit happens, then she sulks again – roll credits.
THE LOWDOWN
NEW MOON is a cultural phenomenon. I’m not reviewing the phenomenon, I’m reviewing the film. Yeah, I’m not the target audience for this film but with that, I’m not some stone cold heartless prick ALL THE TIME either. I dig a good love story too; LEGENDS OF THE FALL, LOVE STORY and UNTAMED HEART are three flawed mushy-mush-mush films I dig on. So this review is NOT coming from somebody put-off by romance. To be honest the hype surrounding the first TWILIGHT got on my nerves, same buildup happened with NEW MOON but I didn’t care this time – I got broken in by the first film, its how its gonna be, it s how its gonna be, fine. Am now happy that young girls have something to fixate on much like when I went full on fanboy on GI JOE and Transformers as a teen. All good. Too bad all the propaganda on this round was for the bloated drivel that was NEW MOON.

What’s wrong with NEW MOON? Let’s start with Bella. WTF is this girl’s problem? Like really! Does this chick have other interests than her romance with Edward? Does she have hobbies, goals in life, does she like B-Ball, hockey or/and masturbating with her left hand? I wouldn’t know. I find it hilarious that the one-note characterized Bella is considered a heroine when from this dude‘s point of view she’s the last girl I’d ever date. Obsessive and lacking the ability to FUNCTION without some dude to crutch on. That’s SAD! Is that the message we’re sending out to young chicks out there? You get dumped, so rebound fast cause without a man at your side, you’re nothing? Sheesh! Well that’s the bulk of the meat I got out of NEW MOON, a badly plotted, overlong and uber superficial essay in idealistic love (without the meat to back it up) and pad in the clock-time bullshit. If NEW MOON is faithful to the book than the book is the equivalent of the now yellow-ish colored tissue I blew my nose in 5 seconds ago. This sequel made me appreciate TWILIGHT on an all new level. That movie OWNS compared to this DOA follow up.

Let’s start the ass whopping with the “together, forever or else” love that Bella and Edward shared. I was not sold on it in this second installment. Not sure if it was the script’s failure at conveying the deep rooted affection these two shared in a REALISTIC manner, the cheesy Harlequin novel dialogue or if it was the actors that were there solely to cash an easy check (Yeah Pattinson I mean you bro, nothing wrong with that, buy me a beer and get me some hoes already! You got the dough!) but I just didn’t believe in it. So with that gone, the heart of the story if you will, what did I have left to hold on to? Not much. So for the first hour and a half or so of this 2 hour plus crapola epic all that was spit out was Bella being a sour puss, seeing Edward visions left and right while she rebounded with goodie-goodie, he’s hit the Gym Jacob. Granted some more interesting subplots were tossed into the mix – like bitter vamp Victoria wanting revenge, Jacob coming to grasp with his wolf changing ways and the forever shirtless wolf-pack (aka bad actors mugging for the camera) looming about emanating quasi threat – but hey man, not enough time was spent on these INTERESTING side stories to make them worthwhile. So what was the point? Yup, the bulk of the first and hour and a half was about Bella brooding and personally that does NOT equal fun times at the movies for me.

Now, I bitch slapped the Bella character earlier, but let me bust Jacob’s balls a bit. Bro, you’re a young, fit and charismatic dude that can get any piece of tail ya want, why the f*ck you gonna mess yourself up pining for a broad who obviously doesn’t want ya and is just using ya as emotional filler? Have a little self respect bro. Be a man. You turn into wolf for fucks sakes. A cuddly, wanna take it for a stroll, go lie down and be a good boy wolf but one none the less. How cool is that? All that to say, I didn’t accept Edward’s fixation on the okay looking and flawed person that is Bella and I definitely didn’t get Jacobs jumping on the MUST HAVE Bella wagon either. Maybe that’s because I like together, independent and strong women. Not whiny, needy, I’m nothing without a partner leeches. But hey who knows who cares. So after an hour and half of Bella is sad and craves for Edward with a couple of distractions included for good measure, one last plot turn was tossed my way, one having to do with Edward and his fate. And the execution of that said plot turn was so half- assed that I couldn’t get into it. It made no logical sense. I’ve never seen anybody decide on such a drastic action and somebody else get from here to Rome so damn quickly in my life. You trying to sell me on this? F*ck you! I aint buying!

As the last block unraveled, some nifty CG inclined fights were served and everything came to a close, and all I kept think was, all this for what? Some dame who likes to bite her lower lip and who’s hung up on some dude that dumped her. Not enough to justify over 2 hours of my life wasted. To be fair, I will give New Moon this: it had a glossier Hollywood look to it than Twilight. Personally though, I dug the visual edge Twilight had more as it watered down the sap, here, the sap was embraced and barfing on my Habs shirt was the result. Also big props to to cast who handled itself fairly well. Taylor Lautner in particular impressed me acting wise and for what he pulled off physically. Dude was a skinny mofo in Part 1 and here he’s a buff badass. He hit the Gym hard to get the role and then serve it and I respect him for that big time. And man did I get lots of un-intentional laughs out of this one. You haven’t lived till you’ve seen a girl try to break up a fight between a pasty white clown and a cutesy, must-pet looking wolf-man. What an odd sight! One that had me pissing my pants! And thank Crom for Ashley Green and her character of Alice. She was pretty much the only character that made any sense to me and the screen came ALIVE when she popped up. Moreover, the casting of Michael Sheen and Dakota Fanning was much appreciated. Even though their screen time was limited, they brought an ounce of class to the film. Finally the CGI was pretty good. Sure I laughed every time a pop-the-werewolf transformation happened but hey it was still well done, so kudos for that.

As I ran out of the theater, my memory of NEW MOON's was one of an overlong film about not much. It could’ve been an overlong film about a love triangle, a man dealing with being a werewolf, a vampire government ruling the fanged world and some vamp bitch out for revenge. Alas the flick was more interested in WASTING TIME on a young girl’s self pitying depression and I personally didn't see the entertainment in that. ECLIPSE better be great because NEW MOON bored hard and blew harder!
GORE
There’s an actual beheading here! WOW! Didn’t see that one coming! Other than that and random blood, not much if anything.
T & A
Anybody who loves men will get their due desserts. The wolf pack is always shirtless, once Jacob takes off his shirt he never bothers putting it back on and even Edward gets in the mix going the shirtless, pants pulled way down to show his shit way. Yes when I got home I watched HOURS of lesbian porn to wash the cock heavy butter this flick double dipped in.
BOTTOM LINE
NEW MOON was INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE all wrong! It was a badly structured and fairly boring look at a girl NOT coping too well with getting her dependent ass dumped and how she rebounds with a guy who can do a BAZILLION TIMES better than her. The genuine teen angst, the earnest romantic flavor, the conflict and edge of the original was gone here, so all I had left was lots of unintentional laughs, thoughts put forward as to my imminent end of the week grocery list of the week and mucho awe as to how a screenplay this weak can get produced. Sure the flick was well candy shot, the CGI was on the money, the A-list supporting cast came through and Taylor Lautner got my points for achieving so much as to his body in such a short time. But on the whole; NEW MOON was a mammoth waste of time. Lots of nothing going on with constant hints of how well rounded and fulfilling it could’ve been. Bummer, after TWILIGHT took me aback in not sucking that much, I actually went in there wanting to like this follow up. Didn’t happen. F*ck NEW MOON! And Bella? GET OVER IT ALREADY! DAMN!
BULL'S EYE
Taylor Launtner gained 26 pounds of muscles to lock the role in New Moon.

"New Moon" is Robert Pattinson's favorite book in the Twilight series.

Bryce Dallas Howard takes over Rachelle Lefevre's role of Victoria in David Slade's The Twilight Saga: Eclipse.

SULK OVER THE NEW MOON SITE HERE

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9:17PM on 06/10/2010

This is NO Near Dark or Let the Right One In

The movies up above are my two favorite vampire films. I love vampire romance, and I am NOT a Twilight basher, or a Twilight fan either. I really liked the first film, but this sequel is horrible. Dreadful, in my eyes. I still own it on DVD though because it IS a bit of a guilty pleasure of mine i will admit.
My BIGGEST problem is Bella. She is one of the worst main characters i've ever had the pleasure of meeting. She NEEDS a man and can't take care of herself and is COMPLETELY
The movies up above are my two favorite vampire films. I love vampire romance, and I am NOT a Twilight basher, or a Twilight fan either. I really liked the first film, but this sequel is horrible. Dreadful, in my eyes. I still own it on DVD though because it IS a bit of a guilty pleasure of mine i will admit.
My BIGGEST problem is Bella. She is one of the worst main characters i've ever had the pleasure of meeting. She NEEDS a man and can't take care of herself and is COMPLETELY dependent. I HATE characters like that.
The script is bad, and the acting is pretty hammy EVEN from Kristen Stewart, who I AM a fan of. The saving grace was Taylor Lautner who did a damn fine job with what he was given.
Positives? I enjoyed the film in a so bad, it's fun to make fun of way. So I still had a good time with it in the end. The characters of Jacob and Alice, are the two characters I truly like. I enjoy them. Another positive is Jacob's shirtlessness the entire movie. I'm a gay horror fan, and i KNOW this is NOT horror, but it is still nice for us to get the TNA ;) sometimes in a film. I wish it was in a better film though.
Overall, I say go out and see a BETTER vampire romance, or even Twilight.
Your Reply:



8:48PM on 03/24/2010

I guess, i am the only person, who liked it.

This is the first movie, i seen that is certainly better than the book. Despite some changes, i thought some subplot in the book were good.

This is a better made movie, special effects are a big improvement. Believe me, if you read the book, the character of Bella whines a lot more than the movie!

Taylor Lautner gives an terrific performance but Michael Sheen (From the "Underworld" series) steals the show from his supporting part as a vampire, he's a total hoot in the movie.

Hopefully
This is the first movie, i seen that is certainly better than the book. Despite some changes, i thought some subplot in the book were good.

This is a better made movie, special effects are a big improvement. Believe me, if you read the book, the character of Bella whines a lot more than the movie!

Taylor Lautner gives an terrific performance but Michael Sheen (From the "Underworld" series) steals the show from his supporting part as a vampire, he's a total hoot in the movie.

Hopefully "Ecplise" will be much better. Since the third of the "Twilight" books is the best one. Although i didn't read "Breaking Dawn" yet.

Also the characters characterzations isn't as clumsy or silly from the first movie. I guess, you will be judge of that, the viewer that is!
Your Reply:



10:41AM on 12/03/2009
I gave it two stars for 1. Taylor Lautner did a great job with a shitty script and 2. Victoria - at least SOMEBODY in this movie doesn't think Bella is worth keeping around (agreed).

Also for the *Twilighters* out there, you want a great vampire love story ... go watch Bram Stoker's Dracula. THAT'S a vampire love story!
I gave it two stars for 1. Taylor Lautner did a great job with a shitty script and 2. Victoria - at least SOMEBODY in this movie doesn't think Bella is worth keeping around (agreed).

Also for the *Twilighters* out there, you want a great vampire love story ... go watch Bram Stoker's Dracula. THAT'S a vampire love story!
Your Reply:



9:09PM on 11/25/2009

ddfd

By the way, I'm not talking to anyone in particular.
By the way, I'm not talking to anyone in particular.
Your Reply:



9:08PM on 11/25/2009

It's OK

Good review. I totally agree about Bella. One of the worst main characters ever.

Personally, I think that it's an ok movie. It's just brainless entertainment + a good blow job at the end. I'm not stupid, gay or anything for thinking that a MOVIE is ok.

Anyway, I'm not a Twilight fan at all, I don't get why people love Twilight so much and some fans annoy me so much that I just want to beat the shit out of them, BUT I don't get why people hate it so much and some of the people who hate it
Good review. I totally agree about Bella. One of the worst main characters ever.

Personally, I think that it's an ok movie. It's just brainless entertainment + a good blow job at the end. I'm not stupid, gay or anything for thinking that a MOVIE is ok.

Anyway, I'm not a Twilight fan at all, I don't get why people love Twilight so much and some fans annoy me so much that I just want to beat the shit out of them, BUT I don't get why people hate it so much and some of the people who hate it annoy the shit out of me as well! Some people hate it so much that they have to insult every single person who likes it as much as possible! They go on Twilight forums and spend hours insulting every fan! How pathetic is that? Why do you have to do that? Why WASTE hours of your days doing that? It's just a MOVIE! Why does it bother you so much that some people like it? Because they act like freaks? Because they're stupid? Well, saying that they're all stupid freaks is a really unfair generalisation because not all of them are. I know a lot of people who just like it. The end. Some of them actually have very good tastes in movies and are NOT gay. Maybe it's because you're an idiotic bigot and the fact that not everyone agrees with you pisses you off? Well, I'm afraid that no one likes people who think like that. Why do you get so pissed off because of a MOVIE? Yes, it's NOWHERE near as good as a lot of people make it out to be, it doesn't deserve to be so famous and a lot of pretty unknown movies deserve to be 10 times more famous... So fucking what? It's in no way the first time that an average (or worse) movie becomes famous and, most importantly, it's just a MOVIE (nothing but brainless entertainment)! You don't have to watch it! Besides, it's not even for you, IT'S FOR TEENAGE GIRLS. Stop acting like a whiny little bitch and move on.

Why do you hate Twilight so much? Because you think that having any respect for a movie about a girl in love with a vampire makes you look gay and you want to look like a tough guy (closeted gay maybe?)? Because you noticed that a lot of people hate it, you can't think for yourself and you decided to hate it as well? Because you think that being against famous movies make you cool?

Seriously, where does all of the hate come from?

By the way, I'm not talking to anyone in particular. (sorry, just noticed the edit option)
Your Reply:



7:29PM on 11/25/2009
My sister is a big fan of the Twilight series, so I've read the first two books and seen the movies, and I've gotta say, I thought New Moon (the film) is the least painful) so far.

Bella's character is incredibly painful; the author sets her up as a feminist role-model or some shit in 'Twilight' (Since she reads Jane Austen's "Pride & Prejudice," great characterization..), only to make her completely dependent on Edward straight away. Kristen Stewart really gets on my nerves in the Twilight
My sister is a big fan of the Twilight series, so I've read the first two books and seen the movies, and I've gotta say, I thought New Moon (the film) is the least painful) so far.

Bella's character is incredibly painful; the author sets her up as a feminist role-model or some shit in 'Twilight' (Since she reads Jane Austen's "Pride & Prejudice," great characterization..), only to make her completely dependent on Edward straight away. Kristen Stewart really gets on my nerves in the Twilight saga, I'm thinking her role in "Into the Wild" was either a fluke, too short to really notice anything negative or it simply played to her strengths; All we get here is monotone and angst. They really should have ditched the voiceover, or tried having Kristen actually put some effort into the whole affair.

Also to note about New Moon is the fact that the book goes nowhere, absolutely nothing happens in all its 400-500 pages, so two hours with an attractive and shirtless Taylor Lautner, with minor appearances by Michael Sheen & Dakota Fanning makes this seem short and engaging in comparison to the source material.
Your Reply:



1:58PM on 11/24/2009

GravitaZ & Arrow

Yep. I'm a dude. Big flaming homo, though, if that helps. =)

Also, I have to admit it- I'm a fan of the books. I even liked the first movie, for the most part. I just think this movie was a waste of my time and money. I just get tired of seeing Twilight stuff mixed in with the blood and guts and, you know, actual horror news I've been coming to this site for since I was 13....

That said, I have to respect the fact that THE Arrow just responded to a comment I made, and that his reply
Yep. I'm a dude. Big flaming homo, though, if that helps. =)

Also, I have to admit it- I'm a fan of the books. I even liked the first movie, for the most part. I just think this movie was a waste of my time and money. I just get tired of seeing Twilight stuff mixed in with the blood and guts and, you know, actual horror news I've been coming to this site for since I was 13....

That said, I have to respect the fact that THE Arrow just responded to a comment I made, and that his reply makes sense from an economic stand point.

And, yes, I still have my dick.




(PS, it's been told to me that I'm coming across like an ass, and I'm not trying to be. I actually thought your comment was funny, and I'm not at all hurt or upset about anything mentioned in the thread.)
Your Reply:



1:34PM on 11/23/2009

WOOFLES420

I hope you're a chick, because if you're a dude getting butthurt about a bad Twilight review, then you better reach down and make sure your twig 'n berries are still attached.
I hope you're a chick, because if you're a dude getting butthurt about a bad Twilight review, then you better reach down and make sure your twig 'n berries are still attached.
Your Reply:



11:08PM on 11/22/2009

To woofles420

I usually don't comment under my reviews cause its a space for YOUR reviews. But felt this needed to be said.At first I wasn't gonna cover TWILIGHT for exactly the reasons you stated. But being that its the biggest thing since slice bread... and all the competing horror sites covered it, I decided we should cover it. We gotta keep up ya know. Felt like the right move - even though I hated New Moon, I went in wanting to like it, and it still feels like the right move. I TRULY hope ECLISPSE is
I usually don't comment under my reviews cause its a space for YOUR reviews. But felt this needed to be said.At first I wasn't gonna cover TWILIGHT for exactly the reasons you stated. But being that its the biggest thing since slice bread... and all the competing horror sites covered it, I decided we should cover it. We gotta keep up ya know. Felt like the right move - even though I hated New Moon, I went in wanting to like it, and it still feels like the right move. I TRULY hope ECLISPSE is better.
Your Reply:



10:54PM on 11/22/2009

Seriously

Dude, I totally respect your opinions. That said, I really wish this site would stop covering The Twilight Saga. It is not horror, and has never been marketed as horror. It's based on a young adult ROMANCE FANTASY, and it's pretty much marketed that way. I may be a Twilight fan, but when I come to AiTH I'm looking for horror news, not grown men whining about wasting their time on tween-flicks. Stop wasting your time on it, then, guys. Obviously Twilight is not the reason ANY of us come to this
Dude, I totally respect your opinions. That said, I really wish this site would stop covering The Twilight Saga. It is not horror, and has never been marketed as horror. It's based on a young adult ROMANCE FANTASY, and it's pretty much marketed that way. I may be a Twilight fan, but when I come to AiTH I'm looking for horror news, not grown men whining about wasting their time on tween-flicks. Stop wasting your time on it, then, guys. Obviously Twilight is not the reason ANY of us come to this site.

And that's my 2 cents.
Your Reply:



10:18PM on 11/22/2009
Fantastic review and I fully agree, I enjoyed the Vultori (Michael Sheen rules) and the Wolves werent half bad, but the rest is exactly what your review said and exactly how I felt about Bella and Edward and Jacob, horrible lines, horrible acting, emotion wasnt there and I've watched and yes, cried, at my fair share of GOOD romantic movies and this couldnt even touch the romance shown in even a movie like Night at the Roxbury and for a series of movies all about that relationship, its epic fail
Fantastic review and I fully agree, I enjoyed the Vultori (Michael Sheen rules) and the Wolves werent half bad, but the rest is exactly what your review said and exactly how I felt about Bella and Edward and Jacob, horrible lines, horrible acting, emotion wasnt there and I've watched and yes, cried, at my fair share of GOOD romantic movies and this couldnt even touch the romance shown in even a movie like Night at the Roxbury and for a series of movies all about that relationship, its epic fail all around.....shame the phenomenon is so large and so undeserving of the highest grossing movie in one day accolade :(
Your Reply:



9:00PM on 11/22/2009
"Yes when I got home I watched HOURS of lesbian porn to wash the cock heavy butter this flick double dipped in."

Absolutely, hilarious! Genius stuff, Arrow.
"Yes when I got home I watched HOURS of lesbian porn to wash the cock heavy butter this flick double dipped in."

Absolutely, hilarious! Genius stuff, Arrow.
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