Nikkos the Impaler (2003)
Director: Andreas Schnaas
Joseph Michael Lagana/Pete
A resurrected and peeved Romanian barbarian (played by director Schnaas) goes on a rampage in an art gallery and then proceeds to hit the streets of New York to conduct his own brand of finger painting. Forget Bret Easton Ellis’ 80’s players...barbarians are the real PARTY animals!
Written by ex-Diabolical Dominion alumnus Ted Geoghegan, "Nikos the Impaler" is a shameless ride that has two things frying in its pan: hot babes and tossing a ludicrous and I mean LUDICROUS large amount of gore our way. It’s not a flick to be taken seriously, it is to be taken with a bunch of friends, ladies, mayonnaise (don’t ask) and a kegger of your finest brew.
The story found here was fairly inconsequential (for me anyways). I didn’t give a rat’s ass about our boy Nikos’ roots, back-story and everything that came with them. The dialogue went from okay to hilariously awful, the characters were “whatever” (the cops blew) while the acting dabbled in the stellar (Felissa Rose rocked the palace again!) and the lousy (like I said...the cops blew). Having said that, I wasn’t watching this “smut hut” hoping for “A Streetcar Named Desire”, I was watching it with plasma and melons on the fritz and that’s exactly what I got.
This has got to be the most excessive and goriest offering that I’ve seen so far this year! Man, this Nikos dude didn’t barge in half-cocked and takes mucho pride in his human disposal duties. You have to admire that kind of enthusiasm when it comes to cleaning house. The hombre went all out, chopping people’s heads off, slicing them open, pulling out their intestines, ripping their faces off, punching them through the chest...you know, the usual things that us gentlemen like to do on a first date when we want impress that "special someone" at our side. He he he…
The film itself can almost be split into two sections with the Art Gallery fiasco being the first, in which I thought the flick spent a bit too much time with characters that we didn’t give a damn about. Seeing them check out in horrendous ways, on the other hand, made their grating presence worth it. The second half would be Nikos Takes Manhattan where our boy managed to do what Jason Voorhees couldn’t do-- mop up the town hardcore in graphic red ways. Seeing Nikos hit a lesbian dive and teaching those girls a lesson or hit the gym to work out in his own special way slapped a carved-up grin on my pumpkin. This second half also sported an unexpected narrative twist that brought something fresh to what was, to that point, a fairly one-note movie. Let’s just say...Hitler has a cameo. Pretty "out there"!
But I almost forgot the show stopper: the shower scene. I was on the floor when that popped up. The flow of the flick literally halted for that extensive shower scene where some big breasted hottie soaped herself sensually while the camera played peek-a-boo with her landing strip equipped crotch. Schnaas reveled in the scene's trashiness, not disguising its "raison d’etre" whatsoever, which was to give the male audience hard-ons and probably to facilitate distribution (tits go a long way in locking distribution with these kind of films). All that to say, the bit felt mucho out of place and in any other type of movie, I would’ve called the director on it, but since this cum-rag is basically the equivalent of porn within the horror genre...it worked like a secretary earning overtime the old fashioned way!
My main peeves with Nikos were that I didn’t get attached to any of its “blah” characters and that it didn’t bring enough bumps, twists or turns into its storyline. It all became somewhat redundant after a while and a tiny bit tedious. I’m all for tits and gore, but there wasn’t anything else for me to hold on to after that. Then there was the low budget aspect of the film, which definitely lessened the impact of some scenes. The locations, in particular, suffered the most where they never felt alive enough; the school, bar, gym, movie theatre…all empty. The flick also had this annoying knack of playing Function Zero tunes at the most inappropriate moments. The ditties alone were okay in an 80’s pop/rock type of way, but they didn’t fit the scenes they were backing in terms of tone. Lastly, what was up with all the choppy editing cuts?
Overall, I enjoyed my romantic evening with "Nikos" to some degree. The film was definitely too long for what it had to offer, but at the same time, it was gory as hell, worked on a "so bad, it's good" level and was pretty damn funny (Schnaas propped himself a few times and that "Crossroads" poster was priceless). Tag to that, groovy cameos by Troma King Lloyd Kaufman (always hilarious) and hot-to-trot-I-want-to-take-her-out-for-burgers Debbie Rochon, and you get a gooey cheese sandwich heavy on the ketchup. Dig into this or Nikos will lop your head off!
Marcus Koch and Jesus Vega did a great job with the FX. We get intestine eating, guts pulled out, faces chopped off, bashed in heads, ripped off arm, nasty bites, beheadings, bodies split in half, faces ripped off, tits ripped off…you name it and it's in here in excessive doses. Thank you…I’m touched…is that a tear in my eye or is it dried up blood?
Felissa Rose (Sandra) was easily the best thespian in this dig, managing to make some of the bad dialogue credible via her solid delivery. She’s a pretty hot number too! Joseph Zaso (Frank) didn’t fare as well, he was on and off. To be fair, some of the lines he had to spit out would’ve made De Niro look bad. Joseph Michael Lagana (Pete) put on a decent show as the “duder”. Brenda Abbandandolo (Daisy) didn’t do it for me at first, but as she gradually settled into the role, allowed me to appreciate her somewhat. Special mention goes to Steve Moramarco who gave a very natural and likeable performance.
T & A
Darian Caine showed it all in the XXX-like shower scene and we thank her for it with a bump in our Jeans. I can also think of worse ways to waste blood then by staring at Lenise Soren’s hot lips and yummy cleavage. The ladies get Joseph Zaso shirtless.
Schnaas put out some slick camera moves, stylish angles and a kool use of filters. He also liked to aim his camera on female attributes for long periods of times, fondling them with his lens. You be the judge on whether or not that works.
We get some decent Function Zero tunes, some ditties by Kindergarten, a hard hitting tune by Not Fragile, some German Metal and a potent metal score by Marc Trinkhaus.
"Nikos The Impaler" could’ve been called “See Nikos Kill A Lot of Thin Characters for Your Bucks Bitch”. For better and for worse, that’s mainly what the film was about. It’s a body count pajama party that delivered buckets of blood and female flesh while never keeping a straight face. Sure, it got a tad repetitive at times in a one-trick pony kind of way, but that’s when you can move in on that hot chick next to you, play tonsil hockey and wait until the flick kicks back into another gear. If there’s a gathering at your humble abode and the natives are restless..."Nikos" should be on the guest list. He’ll take care of things…old school!!
This flick had a budget of $65,000.
Purchase Nikos: North American/South American/Australian orders, contact NikosTheImpaler@aol.com. for all other territories, contact: email@example.com.