ARROW IN THE HEAD REVIEWS

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Nine Lives (2002)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Andrew Green

Starring:
Amelia Warner/Laura
Paris Hilton/Jo
Who cares!
Who cares!
PLOT-CRUNCH
Nine acquaintances hook up in an old Scottish mansion for a birthday. They eventually find a book that unleashes the bitter spirit of Murray (yes, Murray) and snooze-inducing pussy horror scenarios ensue. Who needs sleeping pills or 2 liters of Jack Daniels when films like this exist?
THE LOWDOWN
This low-budget British ditty obviously got its distribution deal based on the sole fact that Paris “now Internet sex star” Hilton appeared in it. Apart from the slick locations and the able cinematography on display, her fine “derriere” was the only thing worth noting in this sedated turkey. Here are nine reasons why you, as a productive member of this society, should avoid “Nine Lives” like the mortal STD that it is.

1) The poisonous mix of atrocious dialogue and kindergarten level acting made this flick a torment to sit through. Pulling out my fingernails with pliers while watching Bob Barker bang my mom would be a less painful exercise than what I went through following these twats around..

2) How many scenes of dimwitted characters walking down dark corridors and talking to themselves like retarded mooks on retarded pills in a retarded manner does one need in one retarded movie? In my book: none. In this film, we get too many!

3) Paris Hilton doesn’t reproduce her sex tape circus act here and stays clothed for the entire movie. Why was she cast then? Her freaking acting skills! COME ON! Work with me over here! Where’s Rick Solomon when you need him!

4) Stupid moves by characters frequently happen in genre efforts, but this one took that shpiel to an all new low. This was the first time in my existence that I witnessed buffoons scrambling for a cell phone and then managing to break it with a bed. Yup…A BED! How inept can one be! And don’t even get me started on the guy giving a "weapon” to an almost lifeless girl…hey man…she’s dying, genius…how about YOU use that weapon numb-nuts!

5) Can you spell "plot holes"? This movie sure can! Expanding on them would mean reminiscing this movie’s lame-o story in depth and that would be too excruciating for my already-beaten-to-a-pulp brain. I will therefore abstain.

6) "Nine Lives" had the possibility of having a “The Thing” type of jive to it in terms of the body-hopping spirit and the paranoia factor of “who is it now”. Sadly, it never came close to capitalizing on it the right way. Too bad because that was the only card it had.

7) The character of Laura (Warner) will have you reach for the six-shooter to blow your brains clean out of your skull. Not only was this chick inexplicably able to figure out EVERYTHING that was going on spirit-wise in the blink of a clit-lick, but she also would never stop yapping about it. Easily the most annoying character that I’ve had the misfortune of enduring this year. I first dubbed her Miss Exposition, but her name swiftly changed to Miss Fuck Off and Die Already.

8) Speaking of yapping, most of the characters in this stroller really loved speaking about how they felt (we get it, you’re scared) and what they intended to do in an extensive fashion before actually DOING IT! Hey man, shut up, put up or F- off!

9) The spirit's name is Murray…YEAH…Murray! Need I say more?

Forget wannabee clever one-liners derived off the title, I won’t mince words with this stinker…"Nine Lives" could wholeheartedly kiss my white, firm and loveable ass and then die…a lot!
GORE
We get off screen kills and “blah” stabbings….ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz.
ACTING
Amelia Warner (Laura) might usually be a good actress, but the dialogue that she was given here made her look awful and evoked so much aggression within me that I kicked my TV at least 3 times due to her presence. In reality, Paris Hilton (Jo) is a rich chick who’s made a name for herself for doing absolutely nothing (although that tape of her sucking the meat was gold). Here, she plays herself, but very badly. Wow! That’s a lack of talent! The rest of the cast were either so-so or dragged down in the gutter by the “toilet paper” screenplay.
T & A
Hot chicks were present in the flick, but none of them had the grace or decency to remove their tops to ease the torture that was this piece of dung…HOW RUDE!
DIRECTING
Granted, I appreciated a couple of the shots and some of the atmosphere was striking, but overall, nothing really stood out during this 'blah' stroll.
SOUNDTRACK
Somebody found their old Fisher Price kiddie piano and made a tacky, cheapo score for us…how sweet…I’m touched! BARFFFFF!
BOTTOM LINE
What a waste of 35 Millimeter film! “Nine Lives” not only blew harder than Bette Midler doing the deed to lock yet another role she doesn’t deserve, it was also flatter than a titless transvestite jammed under a heavy piano with a rhino sitting on top of it. Save your money, save your time, save your Kleenex, save your TV and save your sanity...avoid this scrap at all cost! YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!
BULL'S EYE
The budget for this film came in at $2 million clams.

I have since burned this DVD to a crisp, doing my part for a healthier, saner and more positive world. Have you done YOUR PART?
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