One Missed Call (2008)
Director: Eric Valette
Ana Claudia Talancón/Taylor
A group of 20 something nitwits begin to get odd calls on their cells.
Calls that let them hear their own deaths, before they croak for real days
later. It’s up to great f*cking man Ed Burns and Shannyn “I just can’t be
in a good horror movie” Sossamon to….ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Another year, another remake. This time, it’s ONE MISSED CALL, a retelling (hate that word) of Takashi Miike’s 2003 shocker of the same name. Funnily enough; the main element that made Miike’s RINGU clone a stab above the rest (its gruesomeness and potent scares) were sorely missing from this slapdash, PG 13, horror for kiddies product. This review shouldn’t take too long.
Story? Been there done that but with less smoothness and thought than the norm. You know how lots of 80’s action films used their “whatever” narratives as a way to get from one action jamboree to the next? Same here; except it was “from one jolt bit to the next”. Which bring me to…scares? NON EXISTENT! Unless loud music cues and cheap boo ploys frighten you, don’t expect to get any goose or bumps from this flat bitch. How about chills? Creepiness? Meh… not really. Although I dug some of the “ghosts” in terms of designs, I’m still of the school of: “if it’s obviously CGI, I can’t really be horrified by it”. So didn’t happen here. LIKE AT ALL! And when the hell will genre filmmakers let go of the “ghost shaking its head real fast” device? It was eerie in Jacob’s Ladder and then the novelty ended with House on a Haunted Hill. C’est asse!
So where did that leave my vaccuous self? Groovy characters to hold on to? Maybe… maybe if they weren’t so f*cking stupid, I would’ve given half of a sprinkle of a shit. Yeah first thing I’d do after witnessing my buds get whacked when answering an odd ring tone is… answer my cell when that same odd tone rings AND take the message at that. COME ON! Don't answer the phone, throw that shit away and move to Peru! Oh and yeah, if I'm ever smothered by a live corpse, when I get home that night, I'll immediately put my headphones on and lie in bed in the dark to listen to ditties. For f*cks sakes! Who wrote this shit (same dude that penned that celluloid waste Don’t Say a Word… that’s who)? Add to all that ineptness “thematic for dummies” filler (the ghost had to do with child abuse, hence of course our lead was herself abused as a kid and her college classes address abuse), pathetic kills (badly staged and dry) and a final 10 minutes that went on for 10 minutes too long and you get a pathetic attempt at a horror movie.
On the slight upside, even though this flick was dumb as Hilton, when I "went with it”, I found it fairly harmless to sit through. The pace was even and the whole mostly effortless to endure. The cast was for the most part strong as well. Always loved Ed Burns as a writer/director and an actor (No Looking Back and The Brothers McMullen rock!) so it was swell seeing him cash a check here. Same went for the great Ray Wise and the absolutely stunning Ana Claudia Talancón (from Alone with Her). Their presences were MUCHO appreciated and helped class the movie up. Finally I got a couple of fly shots and slick camera plays to say “good stuff” to.
Overall; somebody out there must think we’re complete dumbasses! It’s the only rationalization I can come up with to justify how a choppy, safe and utterly moronic film like this can be made. Miss this call and then kill the caller with your bare hands on principal!
M.I.A. baby! Unless a blood-less impaling, a couple of slimy bugs, an animated corpse and lots of spooky CGI faces counts for ya!
Shannyn Sossamon (Beth) is a solid actress and I hate seeing her talent wasted in crud like this. Edward Burns (Jack) punched in, looked good doing it, punched out. Love that guy! Hope the check finances your next film bro! Ana Claudia Talancón (Taylor) is my new “dream girl”. Sizzling looks, gorgeous body (none of that cocaine think shite) and acting chops to spare… I want to see more of her! Ray Wise (Ted) was under-used but still managed to shine while Azura Skye (Leann) stuck with me for some reason; I liked her vibe.
T & A
It’s PG 13, take a wild guess Tonto! With that said, I can gawk at Ana Claudia Talancón, dressed or undressed for days. WOW! Damn! WOW! What a babe!
Poor Eric Vallette. I’ll give the dude this, now and again, the visual flair he showcased in the tight MALEFIQUE would surface. But most of the time we got by the numbers, no more, no less. Did he have the big bad Studio looming above his shoulder throughout the shoot? Sure felt like it.
Generic and interchangeable horror score that went real loud to frighten me. Ouuuuuu! Impressive! Bugh...
Solid cast, easy pace, impotent movie. ONE MISSED CRAP was clueless when it came to delivering scares, a sturdy narrative structure and tension. And it was way too pussyfied “gore wise” for its on damn good. I say rent the original to see it done right or if you REALLY have to see it; check it out on DVD with your better half, at least that way you can get some head 10 minutes in and nobody will get hurt. Oh and Ana Claudia Talancón...call me!
Eric Valette's next film will be the horror ride Clock Tower
Is it me or did the poster for this film suck balls! Not only that, the creature on the one-sheet was nowhere to be found in the film.
This flick was shot in Atlanta, Georgia, USA.
HANG UP ON THE OFFICIAL ONE MISSED CALL SITE HERE