Wet t-shirt…wet…t-…shirt…- Derrick
Alexandre Aja is one of my favorite new-gen horror directors. MIRRORS aside (which was okay but not up to his standards) the man has yet to bum me out and I’m in a tizzy to say that he didn’t start that bad habit with PIRANHA. Loosely based on Joe Dante’s 1978 wink-wink at Jaws PIRANHA (they just took the killer Piranha element and did their own thing), PIRANHA 2010 pulled a THE EXPENDABLES on my ass in the sense that; it promised a specific type of film via its advertising and then went on to let out just that with glee.
Why the Weinsteins didn’t screen this one for critics and release it earlier in the summer is beyond me because PIRANHA was an absolute blast and deserved all the nipply perks it could get! This sucka had most of it bases covered with skills. Although its set up took the time it took, the story was involving, if not déjà vu (again…JAWS…), its lead teen duder (played by Steven R. McQueen, the grandson of the King Of Cool) and his plight were affable plus there was enough female flesh shoveled around to keep this red blooded Canadian’s eyes on the screen. Straight up, watching this film made me regret that I never got to experience an American Spring Break when I was in my teens, shit the poon I could’ve gobbled there would have been insane…but I digress, I got my own shit going on here… must make peace with it.
I seriously couldn’t get enough of PIRANHA while watching it. It was loaded with good/bad, always amusing dialogue, sly sight gags (that penis bit lol), ALL kinds of over the top/mean spirited gore scenes, more hot chicks that you can shake a tampon at (the underwater girl on girl ballet swim was epic) and enjoyable performances all around. Elisabeth Shue (who still looks very hot) and Adam Scott were on the ball and acted as the more grounded players of the lot. Ving Rhames slammed the ultimate badass card on the table once again and owned the screen (man I love that dude). Model Kelly Brook made for exquisite eye candy while holding her own acting wise (Who knew? I think it was that accent that sold me). While Jerry O'Connell stole the show as the self centered, yeyo abusing, loud mouth, smut loving a-hole I loved to love. That dude killed me! Great show! And let’s not forget the money cameos! Richard Dreyfuss gave us a Matt Hooper from JAWS nudge (same first name, same costume, hums familiar song), Dina Meyers surfaced long enough to class up the joint and porn stars Riley Steele and Gianna Michaels let it all hang for our viewing pleasure. NOTE: Riley Steele’s ass should be reproduced in stone by the world’s leading sculptor and that monument should be erected in front of the White House. That bumper is one of USA primo wonders!
On a technical level, the flick was snazzyly shot, with stylish camera moves, sleek cinematography and gnarly Piranha POV shots. I was also back-handed Sean Connery style as to how suspenseful the film was. Didn’t see that coming! Aja is no stranger at generating tension and delivering potent shocks and even though he was toying within a boobies and blood party movie, he aced it here once again! I caught myself teetering on the edge of my seat many o times and even though the characters were two dimensional at best, I felt antsy for some of them and didn’t want “some” to buy the farm. To grab me by the lapel like that within this type of smut/fluff flick is a feat in itself…so props Aja! Je vous dois une biere! Finally, the special effects were bang on! As per usual, master gore peddlers KNB knocked the gory goods out of the park and the Piranha CGI did the trick design & execution wise.
Any qualms with this wiggly trout? Not many. Like me in the sack, the narrative progression and its turns were predictable big time. I didn’t have much of a beef with that, but it needed to be spat. I also picked up on a couple of only in horror movies dumb character moves to serve the plot and it would be nice for Christopher Lloyd to NOT play Doc Brown in a movie for a change. His performance didn’t do it for me for some reason only my shrink's corpse understands. Finally, if this flick had a musical score, I didn’t pick up on it; I guess the techno/rap crap this one was laced with drowned it out. NOTE: I saw the film in 3D and I didn’t think it was worth the extra coin. A couple of slick shots aside, the film felt like 2D to me. I wanted melons jiggling out of the screen in my face; I wanted them to feel so close that I’d reach out for them, hoping for a cheap squeeze… didn't get that jive.
Overall though, you got to give it to PIRANHA. It knew exactly what its audience wanted to see and it gave it up in spades... old school! A shameless, horny, gruesome, suspenseful and often hilarious horror ride! You ready to party! BEER BONG AWAY!