Piranha 3DD (2012)
Director: John Gulager
Killer piranhas finagle themselves into a water park. Tits bounce. Karo syrup flies. The Hoff stand around. Snoozing ensues. What???? How does that happen!
It used to be that a horror flick would come out in theaters, be successful and then the low budget, “capitalize on the brand name” sub-par sequels would be dumped on DVD shelves. From Dusk Till Dawn, Tremors and The Howling franchises are good examples of that. But here comes PIRANHA 3DD (which was originally intended for an STD release), trying to break the mold and pull a fast one. It's actually the first movie to be released both theatrically and via VOD at the same time. Sadly for me, I was the sucker that downed a bottle of Jack (figured it's a party movie, might as well get a buzz going) and brought a girl to see it on the big screen in 3D. And man did I regret that move! Here's why!
It looked so damn cheap! Everything about it screamed bargain basement. The sets and the left over effects from the original remake. Maybe that would've went down smooth on my TV but on the big screen – NO DICE!
It lacked energy, the suspense was NON EXISTENT, the scares absent (couldn't even wing a boo scare) and the visuals were blander than my writing. I was hoping to see the John Gulager of FEAST (a film I loved) behind the lens! Kinetic, wild and out there! Didn't get him...
The story structure was a patch job. It was all over the place for a story that should have been fairly simple. I mean; a dream sequence in a killer fish movie? Really guys! That desperate for a jolt?
The 3D was shit. Often enough the image would get blurry and the out of the screen gags that the original executed so well were beyond seldom here.
I didn't laugh once. As we all know humor is subjective. What's hilarious to one does jack-twat for another. On paper, some dude humping a pool drain while having a piranha lodged in his ass should please an immature prick such as myself. But nope! Didn't work! Maybe it was because the movie TRIED SO HARD to be cute and witty in a “look at me, look at me” fashion, that it came off as pathetic. Or maybe it had to do with the fact that I so didn't care about the rest of the film, hence was too jaded to be affected by the gags. Who knows? Who cares! Zero laughs from me.
David Hasselhoff was wasted here and he was the best thing in this mess! That says a lot right there! His cameo in the SpongeBob movie, now that was doing it right! Here, flat, flat flat! It's like they didn't know what to do with him. So he just stood there, being David Hasselhoff. Should've had him on the floor drunk off his ass chewing on a burger yo!
The kills were either uninspired or too idiotic for them to make a dent on me. And the gore although ample enough, was tame compared to the “take no prisoners” red-wet attitude of the original remake.
The novel water-park setting wasn't used smartly. It should have been pure madness! A massacre to remember! It wasn't. Slapdash mayhem, on a Dollar Store set. A waste of a good idea.
The film wasn't sexy. Yes tits and ass were all over the place. But where the original remake was HOT this one was just bottom of the barrel crassy. Not that there's anything wrong with that though! I like crass, just in better movies!
Any redeeming qualities? Well, the actors did what they could with their one-note and snooze inducing characters (at least sizzlers Katrina Bowden and Danielle Panabaker were worth gawking at). David Koechner usually has me rolling on the floor, but here he only made me smirk (not his fault, sad-sack material to work with). Ving Rhames kind of livened things up for about 5 second with his quips and Planet Terror wannabee leg prosthetics; but they couldn't even milk that moment right. Other than that, nobody’s home! Notice I didn't mention character development and relationships here. Why? Cause I didn't need any! All I wanted was titties, gore and fun! I got the first two but was cheated out of that last one. At 72 minutes long, PIRANHA 3DD felt like a 4 hours Russian epic about the inner workings of a trolley i.e. IT BORED THE SHIT OUT OF ME! And for a flick of its ilk, that is the biggest sin of all! Keep that piranha lodged up that rectum! It's where it belongs!
The gore was plentiful, nasty fish bites, fish up an ass, fish up a twat, a beaheading, a cut off penis... you will see red in the water! You'll also see yellow from me pissing in the pool of this craptastic movie...
T & A
We get countless tit shots and close ups on crotches and asses. Too bad even that wasn't enough to save this donkey's ass.
So bad it's just bad! An inept, limp dick and dime-store softcore porno with killer fish in it? Yes. A well made horror/comedy? NO! Maybe if I would have clocked PIRANHA 3DD on VOD it would have went down better, but I didn't. I saw it on the big screen, booze in my veins, nachos on my lap, date by my side, 3D glasses on, ready to have a blast! I didn't think I could fail! Then I was given this half-assed CRAP! PIRANHA 3DD should have premiered in a bargain bin at Wall-mart. It had ZERO business being in cinemas. Shame on it for managing to turn tits and blood into a f*cking chore. Didn't think that was feasible but hey, kudos! You pulled it off!
Christopher Lloyd, Clu Gulager and Gary Busey all had cameos.
The script was written by Patrick Melton, Marcus Dunstan and Joel Soisson.
Outtakes and deleted scenes were shown over the end credits. I didn't stay for them. Fuck... that!