ARROW IN THE HEAD REVIEWS

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Piranha 3DD (2012)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: John Gulager

Starring:
Danielle Panabaker/Maddy
David Koechner/Chet
Katrina Bowden/Shelby
David Hasselhoff/Himself
PLOT-CRUNCH
Killer piranhas finagle themselves into a water park. Tits bounce. Karo syrup flies. The Hoff stand around. Snoozing ensues. What???? How does that happen!
THE LOWDOWN
It used to be that a horror flick would come out in theaters, be successful and then the low budget, “capitalize on the brand name” sub-par sequels would be dumped on DVD shelves. From Dusk Till Dawn, Tremors and The Howling franchises are good examples of that. But here comes PIRANHA 3DD (which was originally intended for an STD release), trying to break the mold and pull a fast one. It's actually the first movie to be released both theatrically and via VOD at the same time. Sadly for me, I was the sucker that downed a bottle of Jack (figured it's a party movie, might as well get a buzz going) and brought a girl to see it on the big screen in 3D. And man did I regret that move! Here's why!

It looked so damn cheap! Everything about it screamed bargain basement. The sets and the left over effects from the original remake. Maybe that would've went down smooth on my TV but on the big screen – NO DICE!

It lacked energy, the suspense was NON EXISTENT, the scares absent (couldn't even wing a boo scare) and the visuals were blander than my writing. I was hoping to see the John Gulager of FEAST (a film I loved) behind the lens! Kinetic, wild and out there! Didn't get him...

The story structure was a patch job. It was all over the place for a story that should have been fairly simple. I mean; a dream sequence in a killer fish movie? Really guys! That desperate for a jolt?

The 3D was shit. Often enough the image would get blurry and the out of the screen gags that the original executed so well were beyond seldom here.

I didn't laugh once. As we all know humor is subjective. What's hilarious to one does jack-twat for another. On paper, some dude humping a pool drain while having a piranha lodged in his ass should please an immature prick such as myself. But nope! Didn't work! Maybe it was because the movie TRIED SO HARD to be cute and witty in a “look at me, look at me” fashion, that it came off as pathetic. Or maybe it had to do with the fact that I so didn't care about the rest of the film, hence was too jaded to be affected by the gags. Who knows? Who cares! Zero laughs from me.

David Hasselhoff was wasted here and he was the best thing in this mess! That says a lot right there! His cameo in the SpongeBob movie, now that was doing it right! Here, flat, flat flat! It's like they didn't know what to do with him. So he just stood there, being David Hasselhoff. Should've had him on the floor drunk off his ass chewing on a burger yo!

The kills were either uninspired or too idiotic for them to make a dent on me. And the gore although ample enough, was tame compared to the “take no prisoners” red-wet attitude of the original remake.

The novel water-park setting wasn't used smartly. It should have been pure madness! A massacre to remember! It wasn't. Slapdash mayhem, on a Dollar Store set. A waste of a good idea.

The film wasn't sexy. Yes tits and ass were all over the place. But where the original remake was HOT this one was just bottom of the barrel crassy. Not that there's anything wrong with that though! I like crass, just in better movies!

Any redeeming qualities? Well, the actors did what they could with their one-note and snooze inducing characters (at least sizzlers Katrina Bowden and Danielle Panabaker were worth gawking at). David Koechner usually has me rolling on the floor, but here he only made me smirk (not his fault, sad-sack material to work with). Ving Rhames kind of livened things up for about 5 second with his quips and Planet Terror wannabee leg prosthetics; but they couldn't even milk that moment right. Other than that, nobody’s home! Notice I didn't mention character development and relationships here. Why? Cause I didn't need any! All I wanted was titties, gore and fun! I got the first two but was cheated out of that last one. At 72 minutes long, PIRANHA 3DD felt like a 4 hours Russian epic about the inner workings of a trolley i.e. IT BORED THE SHIT OUT OF ME! And for a flick of its ilk, that is the biggest sin of all! Keep that piranha lodged up that rectum! It's where it belongs!
GORE
The gore was plentiful, nasty fish bites, fish up an ass, fish up a twat, a beaheading, a cut off penis... you will see red in the water! You'll also see yellow from me pissing in the pool of this craptastic movie...
T & A
We get countless tit shots and close ups on crotches and asses. Too bad even that wasn't enough to save this donkey's ass.
BOTTOM LINE
So bad it's just bad! An inept, limp dick and dime-store softcore porno with killer fish in it? Yes. A well made horror/comedy? NO! Maybe if I would have clocked PIRANHA 3DD on VOD it would have went down better, but I didn't. I saw it on the big screen, booze in my veins, nachos on my lap, date by my side, 3D glasses on, ready to have a blast! I didn't think I could fail! Then I was given this half-assed CRAP! PIRANHA 3DD should have premiered in a bargain bin at Wall-mart. It had ZERO business being in cinemas. Shame on it for managing to turn tits and blood into a f*cking chore. Didn't think that was feasible but hey, kudos! You pulled it off!
BULL'S EYE
Christopher Lloyd, Clu Gulager and Gary Busey all had cameos.

The script was written by Patrick Melton, Marcus Dunstan and Joel Soisson.

Outtakes and deleted scenes were shown over the end credits. I didn't stay for them. Fuck... that!
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1:41AM on 06/25/2013

you didn't miss shit frm VOD

it was just as bad if not worse at home! we got HAMMERED and were bored. terrible film.
it was just as bad if not worse at home! we got HAMMERED and were bored. terrible film.
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4:50AM on 06/23/2012
Even Shark Night was ten times better compared to this waste of time. Not Even The Hoff and Busy could save it.
Even Shark Night was ten times better compared to this waste of time. Not Even The Hoff and Busy could save it.
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11:24PM on 06/08/2012
It had potential but it was squandered on the final product. The humor and the mean-spiritedness did not mix well for me. The final bloodbath was a blur and is it just me or did it seem to go more of the Final Destination route then it should have? It was bloody but there was really nothing to see. It was pretty much a waste.
It had potential but it was squandered on the final product. The humor and the mean-spiritedness did not mix well for me. The final bloodbath was a blur and is it just me or did it seem to go more of the Final Destination route then it should have? It was bloody but there was really nothing to see. It was pretty much a waste.
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12:27PM on 06/08/2012
As much as I love the first Piranha, Piranha 3DD is a big mess. My 1 star is from David Hasselhoff.
As much as I love the first Piranha, Piranha 3DD is a big mess. My 1 star is from David Hasselhoff.
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+0
4:27PM on 06/04/2012

Not bad but not great...possible mild spoilers....

I'll go 50/50 with you on this. You're right about it not following through on such a promising idea. The movie is actually filled with them but never delivers. The Gary Busey opener and return of the Rhames are flat and poorly handled, the van attack could've been sweeter but was simply drab and then to cap it all the big massacre wasn't big at all. It seemed to suddenly begin then suddenly end with very little attack seen. The kill set pieces here could've been astounding and fun yet it
I'll go 50/50 with you on this. You're right about it not following through on such a promising idea. The movie is actually filled with them but never delivers. The Gary Busey opener and return of the Rhames are flat and poorly handled, the van attack could've been sweeter but was simply drab and then to cap it all the big massacre wasn't big at all. It seemed to suddenly begin then suddenly end with very little attack seen. The kill set pieces here could've been astounding and fun yet it was mostly dodgy glimpses of fish in clouds of CGI blood oozing from flailing bodies. 2 of the best kills were not even Piranha related. I know we don't watch a movie like this for the most thought out script but I like to at least feel a little connection between the characters I'm watching and it all felt a little tenuous how they were linked together. On the plus I could watch Danielle Panabaker all day long though she wasn't given any real bas ass moments like Elisabeth Shue was, Katrina Bowden was fun but basically her 30 Rock role and her "big scene" was ridiculously OTT and sill but I still fun with it despite the logistics (sorry I guess I couldn't get it out my head that just would NOT happen - maybe if they didn't stretch it out so long and it happened in one night I wouldn't have been bothered so much). Both these girls deserve to be bigger stars. I did enjoy their scene on the pier/jetty also.

All in all it may be - as they say - the booze talking but I still had some fun with it. If you're at home and drunk and don't care too much about what you're watching that night then you would probably enjoy it.
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12:01PM on 06/03/2012
Sorry, gonna have to disagree with you on this one, I had a pretty good time with this film for the most part, I was laughing my ass off at the "Piranha inside the vagina" scene, loved the "cooch cam" the whole cast was pretty game, the finale was pretty fun, and the ending was pretty damn ballzy(pretty rare to see young kids get killed violently in horror films) so that was cool. Though in all fairness I didn't bother paying to see this in theaters since I couldn't care less about 3-D, so
Sorry, gonna have to disagree with you on this one, I had a pretty good time with this film for the most part, I was laughing my ass off at the "Piranha inside the vagina" scene, loved the "cooch cam" the whole cast was pretty game, the finale was pretty fun, and the ending was pretty damn ballzy(pretty rare to see young kids get killed violently in horror films) so that was cool. Though in all fairness I didn't bother paying to see this in theaters since I couldn't care less about 3-D, so perhaps because of that I didn't feel anywhere near as ripped off as you did.
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4:21AM on 06/03/2012

Cheap.

...Agree with you completely, Arrow. But I have to give half star more for the line "Josh cut off his penis because something was in my vagina!" That had me on the floor
...Agree with you completely, Arrow. But I have to give half star more for the line "Josh cut off his penis because something was in my vagina!" That had me on the floor
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4:40PM on 06/02/2012
Just because a movie is campy and fun doesn't mean it can't still have a good, clever script. Piranha 3DD did NOT get this memo. Awful directing. Awful script. Awful comedy. Awful horror. Just an awful movie all around. The acting was alright, but that didn't help much.
Just because a movie is campy and fun doesn't mean it can't still have a good, clever script. Piranha 3DD did NOT get this memo. Awful directing. Awful script. Awful comedy. Awful horror. Just an awful movie all around. The acting was alright, but that didn't help much.
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