Rave to the Grave: Return of the Living Dead 5 (2005)
Director: Ellory Elkayem
A â€śche chingâ€ť hungry chemist teenager takes zombie canister juice and injects it in pill capsules to create a drug called â€śZâ€ť (for Zombieâ€¦get it). He sells the stuff around campus, the dead rise at the yearly Halloween rave and we lose a handful of brain cells watching this drivel. Brain cells that we will never get back.
Wowâ€¦Iâ€™m speechlessâ€¦reallyâ€¦I wish I could just say this movie is horrible and save my writing for my
"stars I gotta meet list" but that wouldnâ€™t be me doing my underpaid job. As a big fan of the
Return of the Living Dead
movies (1 and 3 to be exact) it saddens me to say that Part 5 of the series murdered the franchise
for me. It made
House of the Dead
look like the original
Dawn of the Dead
and I hear "Return
of the Living Dead Part 4 Necropolis"
is just as freaking bad! WHAT
HAVE THEY DONE!
For Aphrodite's sakes! What did the people behind this film eat beforehand to
deliver such a floating piece of shit? Seriously? Lets
see...we get a Nickelodeon look, flatter than Paris Hilton's chest directing and dialogue that would MURDER any 3rd grader in its
utter stupidity. Ready to tune out yet? Don't! There's more champs! How does a
so immature sense of humor, youâ€™d think it was aimed at toddlers (Those comic relief G-Men were an embarrassment), actors that youâ€™ll want to butcher with a meat cleaver (That DJ
Kidâ€¦hold me back man!)
and a Zombie suit (dime store "Tarman") that must have cost half a buck sound to ya? You tantalized
yet? You getting hard? Getting wet? Well take this to the bank and cash it: the
whole of this crud was wrapped up in a tediously choppy pace and for the most part, a poseur soundtrack that
made Vanilla Iceâ€™s â€śCypress Hillâ€ť wannabee career move seem like a good idea.
Did I mention that this dead canine was shot in Romania? Well it was.
Nothing wrong with the place, I hear the beers are cold and the dames are easy
up there but the thing is: the film is trying to make Romania pass as the USA. Didnâ€™t work for a microsecond! The accents,
the lousy dubbing and the peculiar (I'm being polite) fashion gave that away in the blink
of a neck snap. To make matters worse, they also set the film during the â€śHalloweenâ€ť
season. Were they kidding? Three dead leaves don't cut it man! If thatâ€™s Halloween then Iâ€™m Dolly Parton
in Rhinestone... COME ON!
Anything good going on? Well Peter Coyotes constant oddball grin had me in stitches; so thatâ€™s one third of a point right there. And Iâ€™ll give the movie this, it sported at least 8 tit shotsâ€¦yup you heard meâ€¦8 tit shots! That in itself has yet to be equaled in the ROTLD franchise or my bedroom for that matter! Thatâ€™s 2/3 of a point.
Lastly the gore at hand was plenty, graphic and fairly well done (I saw the
uncut version)...so thereâ€™s your one star rating right there.
With that said, beaten up and puked on, no amount of tit shots, splatter or Playboy Playmates drinking my sauce could everâ€¦and I mean...EVERâ€¦make me sit through this utter
tricycle wreck posing as a film ever again. Scream BRAINS all you wantâ€¦this movie hasn't got any! POUEE! I spit on thee!
Yes the gore was gnarly in this un-rated cut with countless brains sucked out of skulls, beheadings, eye gouging, gun shot wounds and more! But even that couldnâ€™t justify the criminal waste of celluloid this film has committed.
John Keefe (Julian) was the better actor here; he retained his dignity, even in this mess. Good for you man! I'm sure Aimee-Lynn Chadwick (Becky) is a decent actress but here she didnâ€™t look like she even wanted to be on set. "Throwaway performance" for the most part. She's a cutie though. Cory Hardrict (Cody) did his best with what he was given; "not much" and came through. Peter Coyote (Charles) had a constant creepy smirk on his face that has to be seen to be believed. What a freak! I think he knew he was in an awful movie and was laughing at what he was going to buy with that check (a new Agent). Cain Mihnea Manoliu (Jeremy) gets my middle finger Award for most annoying performance of the year. The man had a terrible delivery and his DJ rants and his rapping (oh God his rapping) was so bad that male cats outside the theatre were committing suicide my chewing off their own testicules.
T & A
At least 8 tit shotsâ€¦you got to respect that! Nice ones too! But for f*cks sakes, why couldnâ€™t they be in a better movie?
What has Ellory Elkayem (who did the fun Eight Legged Freaks) done!!! Stale, flat, bland, my last date, un-inspiredâ€¦was there even a director behind this? And if there was, was he shooting up smack in his veins in between takes? How else can you explain the lifelessness and dullness at hand? Just because it deals with Zombies, doesnâ€™t mean your director should shoot like one!
We get a handful of okay rock tunes, some decent ditties from lead actress Aimee-Lynn Chadwick and lots of crud.
Return of the Living Dead 5 sucked the skin off a dead man's balls! This cinematic abortion made me want to boost up my rating for Return of the Living Dead Part 2, a film I didnâ€™t care for. Inept is the word guys! On the page, behind the camera and in front of the lens. INEPT! Sure we get titties and blood, but just rent a porno and kill your neighbor if thatâ€™s what you crave. Going to jail and bunking with a serial rapist named Rocco NoLube would be a better time than sitting through this atrocity. I will personally go out of my way to NOT see Return of the Living Dead 4 Necropolis. Itâ€™s made by the same people and life my friends, is just too damn short! THIS SERIES IS DEAD AND IT ISNâ€ťT COMING BACK!
The film is slated to be released in October of 2005
In the USA, Rave to the Grave will be released as Part 4 (on the Sci-Fi Channel on October 15th 2005) and Necropolis as Part 5.
Both films were shot back to back in Romania.
VISIT THE OFFICIAL RAVE TO THE GRAVE WEBSITE