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Red Riding Hood (2011)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Catherine Hardwicke

Starring:
Amanda Seyfried/Valerie
Gary Oldman/Solomon
Billy Burke/Cesaire
Shiloh Fernandez/Peter
PLOT-CRUNCH
A small village set on a sound stage with fake snow is continuously attacked by a CGI werewolf. So Gary Oldman steps in to ham it up and wake me from my slumber, till he disappears and I go back to dead sheep land. Oh and there’s some chick (Amanda Seyfried) with a red hood in the center of all of it all… still don’t know why I should give a damn about her…
THE LOWDOWN
Can’t say my hopes were too high going in Catherine Hardwicke’s take on RED RIDING HOOD. Not because she directed TWILIGHT (the first flick actually wasn’t half bad in my opinion) or because it was a PG-13 party but for the sole reason that the trailers sucked mammoth Donkey Dong and Donkey Dong Jr. So I went in with low expectations and the film couldn’t even match those. Not since TWILIGHT ECLIPSE have I sat in a movie theater in such agony, yearning to get the f*ck out of dodge to do something more constructive with my time, like clip my toenails. I am still hurting! So as opposed to vomiting a usual review; let me share with ya a glimpse at the stream of consciousness that I had while surviving this sorry excuse for a feature film. NOTE: Minor Spoilers below.

-A PEEK INSIDE MY BRAIN DURING MY RED RIDING HOOD SCREENING-

When did theatre security become Airport security? I missed the memo. This front to "scare off" piracy is transparent and pathetic. Nobody is filming a whole movie with their cell phones at public screenings...so stop frisking me and get that metal detector that never detects the metal I have on me out of my face.

Film is starting...better be good...

Nice BC scenery and I dig on them crane shots! Hardwicke has a good eye! Chick has talent!

Oh look a village set on a soundstage with fake snow! Looks like a Disneyland ride! Production design = weak.

I get it Valerie (Red Riding Hood) likes to hide behind stuff and spy on peeps, lets move on!

I usually dig Amanda Seyfried. I hope she does more than look like a deer caught in headlights throughout...

Shiloh Fernandez was the Mack in DEADGIRL, why does he have the charm of a doorknob here?

Yeesh! Max Irons flatter than road-kill presence is making Shiloh Fernandez look animated!

Maybe if the dialogue wasn’t so atrocious the actors would come off as having a freaking pulse.

No dude, having a rubber wolf head on a stick doesn’t mean you killed a werewolf. Wait a minute... wasn't that guy in Battlestar Gallactica?

Why did the villagers wait so damn long to finally decide to hunt the werewolf anyways? If a wolf beast is causing bloodshed on my turf when i settle in, first thing I do is hunt the bitch down or MOVE SOMEWHERE ELSE!

Great, now it's trying to be Twilight with an unconvincing, lifeless and forced love triangle. No vomit bags under the seat either. I'm foobarred!

Wow the actors have ZERO chemistry together! NONE!

Billy Burke is better than this shit. I love you man, but come on!

YES! Praise Crom! Here comes Gary Oldman to save the day! Chewing the scenery, looking like a champ, cashing a check and waking my ass up! Man I love this dude!

Oldman has fingernails made of silver??! DOPE! Good idea in a lousy movie.

Why is there modern music playing during the party bit? Out of place…

Cool wolf attack, too bad it lasted 5 seconds; back to stale sap-crap I go!

Gary Oldman just yelled out: "It's strong, but God is stronger!" NICEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Highlight of the flick so far!

Julie Christie is rocking that shit! Respect!

The werewolf can mind-meld! LMAO!

Why is there a theatre guard with night-vision goggles on clocking me? Relax dude, my phone is off, there's no handy-cam in my PopCorn and you don't work for the Pentagon. Can't a man scratch his balls in peace?!

Swell, now its trying to be SCREAM with its manufactured whodunit and non stop bombardment of red-herrings. Just tell your story! Stop playing peek-a-boo with me! I’m a grown man!

Damn, that mom’s a hoe! I love it! PS: Played by hottie Virginia Madsen.

Nope, that’s all Amanda Seyfried will do; the deer caught in headlights look… bugh...

Will this movie END ALREADY!!!

What is up with these left field pretentious montages of lovers in a warm embrace intercut with them walking up a snowy mountain? What does that have to do with anything? Did somebody just spike my Cola Cola? At least it's funny.

Red does look gnarly on white.

These characters say and do the stupidest of things; they make Charlie Sheen look sane and sober.

Oh shit, its ending...

The last 5 minutes are actually a take on the Red Riding Hood Fairy Tale! WOW! About f*cking time!

The end credits! YES! THANK YOU and F*CK YOU!


Let’s leave it at that. You want more, lets go out for drinks and lets yap! Yup, RED RIDING HOOD made the Twilight sequels looks like genius! It was a complete waste of my time as it failed as a horror movie, as a love triangle, as a gripping mystery and a fulfilling take on the classic Fairy Tale. There was something there though, and maybe if they had upped the sex/violence, polished the dialogue and tightened/focused the script it could have been something. As is though… laughable GARBAGE!

GORE
Dry or/and off screen stabbings and a severed hand.
T & A
We get some cleavage here and there (Amanda Seyfried really impressed in that department) and the ladies get Gary Oldman’s glorious goatee.
BOTTOM LINE

RED RIDING HOOD was dull, corny, all over the place, safe, dry and with grating dialogue to boot. The film pretended to be romantic, a genre effort, a challenging mystery and a bold take on a classic fairy tale. But that was the problem; it pretended to be so many things but didn't go for any of them with enough, smarts, focus, depth, genuineness or courage for any of it to matter. Result; it wound up being a big pile of poseur drivel that never gelled as a whole. Granted, Catherine Hardwicke's eye shined in places and Gary Oldman was simply a delight and the sole reason this snooze fest ever came to life... but other than that; nothing to see here! My advice: if you're craving a macabre update of Red Riding Hood done right, rent Neil Jordan's The Company of Wolves (1984) instead.

BULL'S EYE
The flick was shot in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.

It was written by Daniel Johnson who also wrote Orphan (2009) and the upcoming Wrath of the Titans.

Taylor Lautner was considered for the role of Peter.
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6:49PM on 03/11/2011
After reading Arrow's review, my curiosity was peaked so I popped in on this after the awesome Battle: L.A. I went in with such low expectations that I actually wound up not finding it as completely awful. It wasn't good but I wasn't horrifed. Oldman was fun to watch as he acted circles around the rest of the cast.Amanda Seyfried was nice to look at but, gave a Stepford Wife performance. The rest of the cast was bland which surprised me coming from Madsen and Christie. I also agree that the
After reading Arrow's review, my curiosity was peaked so I popped in on this after the awesome Battle: L.A. I went in with such low expectations that I actually wound up not finding it as completely awful. It wasn't good but I wasn't horrifed. Oldman was fun to watch as he acted circles around the rest of the cast.Amanda Seyfried was nice to look at but, gave a Stepford Wife performance. The rest of the cast was bland which surprised me coming from Madsen and Christie. I also agree that the sets and costumes looked borrowed from a local Renaissance Faire. Ultimately I wouldn't recommend it but, I did think it was better then HaArdwicke's Twilight feature, which is my worst of that series pick.
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4:51PM on 03/10/2011

Huh, really?

I just find it funny that the first Twilight film was the one you thought was decent, and that you hated Eclipse LOL. As a fan and a movie go-er, I thought Twilight was the biggest let down of the three. It was boring, cliched, and drained of any originality the books mustered up. The only thing it had going for it was the slick cinematography, and by the end that was way overdone. In fact, because of her work on Twilight, I was totally unsurprised when this flick received the "1" rating... it
I just find it funny that the first Twilight film was the one you thought was decent, and that you hated Eclipse LOL. As a fan and a movie go-er, I thought Twilight was the biggest let down of the three. It was boring, cliched, and drained of any originality the books mustered up. The only thing it had going for it was the slick cinematography, and by the end that was way overdone. In fact, because of her work on Twilight, I was totally unsurprised when this flick received the "1" rating... it doesn't help that Catherine Hardwicke is a crap director. In fact, your thoughts on this movie mirror my thoughts on most of her directorial ventures: half-assed, sloppy, and -in the case of this and Twilight- a slap in the face to the source material... which is really sad, because I had my fingers crossed that Ms.Seyfried could at least make it a little bit "ok."
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4:18PM on 03/10/2011
I guess I'll skip this one then, even though I like me some Seyfried/

And you goddamn habs, leave Chara alone. It was a clean hit!
I guess I'll skip this one then, even though I like me some Seyfried/

And you goddamn habs, leave Chara alone. It was a clean hit!
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2:53PM on 03/10/2011
...at least your review was entertaining. keep up the great work!
...at least your review was entertaining. keep up the great work!
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1:48PM on 03/10/2011
The end credits! YES! THANK YOU and F*CK YOU!
The end credits! YES! THANK YOU and F*CK YOU!
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