ARROW IN THE HEAD REVIEWS

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Stash House (2012)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Eduardo Rodriguez

Starring:
Dolph Lundgren/Andy
Briana Evigan/Emma
Sean Faris/David
Jon Huertas/Ray
PLOT-CRUNCH
A young couple (Briana Evigan and Sean Faris) gets a house at a bargain and they find out WHY the hard way when two killers show up to get the "stash" that is in that house. Stupidity, boredom and Dolph Lundgren holding a flashlight ensues.
THE LOWDOWN
The only reason I hunted down STASH HOUSE, was because I couldn’t pass up Dolph Lundgren as a bad guy in a home invasion thriller. I am a big Dolph fan and being that he blew me away via his villainous performance in UNIVERSAL SOLDIER; I was expecting some good times from this one! I thought wrong. Here is a glimpse as to my train of thought while enduring the crapfest that was STASH HOUSE.

Disposable and underdeveloped chick solely introduced to get whacked later? Check!

Sex scenes with clothes on never did it for me, but hey I’m old fashioned. Lame!

That dude is so a bad guy. “Mystery” fail!

If you’re gonna hire Dolph Lundgren to play one of your main bad guys, have him do more than stand around with a flashlight for the f*cking first hour.

These kids have zero common sense. If killers are hanging in front of your house; and you see them standing there via security monitors, get out from the back you idiots!

And when you do manage to get out of the house unseen, run away, go to Hawaii and work on your tan. Don’t start playing hide and seek with said killers to then run back inside the house. Sigh...

The male lead is a bit of a bitch. Bugh. Won't root for that clown! Get a pair! I think your girl has them in her pockets! Poor Sean Faris having to play that role...

WOW! There really is a way to make a home invasion movie BORING! The most exciting thing that has happened so far was the use of a flare gun. Woo-oo!

We get it, Dolph Lundgren’s outside pacing about with a flashlight, lets MOVE ON!

NOTE TO SELF: A spray bottle of lemon water (or whatever the hell was in there) can appear out of nowhere and knock out Dolph Lundgren with just one squirt in the face. Good to know, if only Rocky Balboa would’ve have been wise to that info in Rocky 4.

When did this become a Home Alone sequel? Am I supposed to be laughing?

Look! An unconscious person just disappeared from in the house and is now back outside the house again, all on their own! Beam me up Scotty?

For two young mooks being stalked by two killers; they’re pretty damn chill about it for the most part. Lose your shit already! KILLERS WANT TO MURDER YOU!

Those killers really went about it the wrong way to attain their goals. That movie could have been finished in 10 minutes, 15 if you count that vicious lemon spray attack.

Dolph's character is suddenly all over the place. Talk about shoddy characterization…

The cops in this movie are FISH! They couldn’t find a missing stamp yet alone recognize a cold blooded killer holding a chick hostage at gunpoint inches in front of them.

The end credits? THANK YOU! Wow that was tough to get through!

Any good things to say about this turkey? I liked some of director Eduardo Rodriguez's stylistic touches, the man had a slick eye and his use of security monitors to convey the exterior action was sly. I also thought Jon Huertas gave a pretty intense show and Briana Evigan did what gold with what she was given. Finally Dolph rocked it when he was onscreen but too bad they didn’t give him a focused, better written and more intense role to tackle.

With all its faults STASH HOUSE's biggest crime was it being a freaking BORE. If I would have been entertained, some of its muck ups would have gone down smoother. Avoid this one like an STD ridden crack whore who's out of crack!
GORE
Gun shot wounds, some blood, a stabbing and lemon spray madness… beware!
T & A
Both dames kept their clothes on.
BOTTOM LINE
The stash in this house is STALE! Find another dealer! All I got, go with it. STASH HOUSE was criminally tedious to sit through, beyond farfetched, filled with stupid moves to serve the plot and inconsistencies galore. Sure it sometime looked slick, Dolph was the man (even though his part was defined in a slap dash way), Jon Huertas and Briana Evigan did fine and maybe I could have enjoyed SOME OF IT if it wasn’t so damn dull! But I didn't. Snooze fest! A thriller with no thrills and no brains. Watching tampon blood dry is scarier and more compelling than this wreck. Don’t bother. Still love ya Dolph!
BULL'S EYE
Part of the "After Dark Action" brand, from After Dark Films and Joel Silver's Dark Castle Entertainment.

The film was shot in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, USA.
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