Teenage Caveman (2002)
Director: Larry Clark
In a post apocalyptic future, some cave teens flee their "blah" refuge and hook up with a hip, drugged up, horny couple who initiate them into the joys of decadence (sex and drugs…the basic food groups). What our dumb ass puberty stricken heroes don’t know is that their new trendy hosts are also genetically enhanced humans who tend to turn into ugly creatures now and then. Let the horror begin, right? WRONG! This is director Larry Clarke we’re talking about here…urg…
After watching infamous director Larry Clark’s "Teenage Caveman" I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I BE PISSED OFF! Shirtless and sporting my underwear (I am going to talk to Larry Clark after all), I reached for the phone and dialed the dude up. It rang and…
Larry: Pizza Hut, Larry Clark speaking.
Arrow: What’s wrong with you man?
Larry: Pardon me?
Arrow: What’s wrong with you????
Larry: Who is this?
Arrow: This is Arrow from Arrow in the Head tough guy!
Larry: Oh, fuck me!
Arrow: You got that right, buddy! Fuck you indeed!
Larry: Look, I don’t…
Arrow: SHUT THE FUCK…UP!!!!
Arrow: This is for your own good Larry. First off, I should let you know that I’ve never been a fan of your voyeuristic, teeny porn type of films that pose as art. You started with "Kids" and although I do think it's one of the more efficient “safe sex” cautionary tales on the block, it’s still exploitive, pedophiliac-like smut. Then, there was "Another Day in Paradise" which was bearable mostly due to Jimmy Woods’s classy presence. And then there was "Bully". A note on Bully: why you turned a flick about teens killing an abusive homie into an ode to crotch shots and boners is still beyond me. And now there’s your new limp effort: "Teenage Caveman"…a supposed horror movie. You wanna know what my main problem with your approach to this “mastercrap” is?
Larry: Ummm…not really…I have pizzas to deliver…
Arrow: Well, you're gonna hear it anyway, dough boy!! You’re becoming soooo redundant dude, it’s not even funny! This pseudo-horror mess is freaking "Kids" all over again, but with a sci-fi twist. Teens defy authority; teens explore their sexuality in whorish ways and eventually get infected through it. You wanna know why that doesn’t work for my stupid ass?
Arrw: Because this is a horror film!!!! Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for a metaphors in a genre offering, but it's obvious to me that you’re just using them to quench your own self-indulgent sexual perversions and NOT to deliver a social message. Dude...I couldn’t care less about a 10-minute hand held camera shot of teens having a dirty orgy! I want some thrills, chills and scares! Ever heard of that stuff? Where are the real goods?
Larry: I do show some horror in the picture. What about the gore or the conclusion with the transformations?
Arrow: Granted, the gore is pretty slick. But if you put sugar on shit, and then eat it...it's still gonna taste like shit!! As for the conclusion, you call that horror? I call that a poorly written, shot and handled piece of generic fluff that serves as a lame excuse for the hour and half display of TRASH you slapped in before it. You can’t fool me!
Larry: I had to put all the sex and nudity in; did you see the script Christos N. Gage had me work with? My god!
Arrow: It's called re-writes, tough guy! Look into that, it’s under R! There’s no excuse for the shoddy dialogue, the lack of explanations (like what happened to the old world again?) and the dumb ass plot turns that are in this puke.
Larry: But we…
Arrow: What kind of director are you, man? Will every project you’ll ever tackle wind up being a catharsis for your sexual deviances??? Enough already! I’ve had it! Were the hard dick shots, the close ups of men’s asses as they slipped off their underwear, the multitude of sex scenes with your lens fondling and relishing every single micro-second of it REALLY necessary? Get laid already and start directing REAL films, dude! You’re played out and this whole teen sex thang got old after "Kids"!
Larry: I’m sorry you feel that way…
Arrow: I’m sorry I had to sit through this garbage! Damn you, Larry! Damn you to TV MOVIE hell! If it wasn’t for Richard Hillman keeping me awake with his enthusiastic over-the-top delight of a performance, I would’ve flushed this DVD down my toilet along with all your other wannabee films!
Larry: Yeah, Richard was great, his ass is so…
Arrow: NO MORE LARRY! NO MORE I SAY!!! You're no messiah! You're a movie of the week! You're a fucking t-shirt...at best. AT BEST!
Larry: That line is from "Kiss the Girls", right?
Arrow: ARRRRRGH! "Se7en", man..."Se7en"!! I give up on you duder; I will never watch a movie with your name on it ever again. You’re a waste and I thought you should know that.
Larry: You’re a fucking asshole, Arrow.
Arrow: YOU BET I AM! But I’d rather be an asshole than a major sicko who's still allowed to direct for some odd fucking reason. I’m done with you Larry…I’ll end with a heartfelt…KISS MY GRITS and STAY AWAY FROM THE GENRE FOR THE LOVE OF GOOD HORROR!
I hung up in his face right there, took a shower (I felt dirty) and slapped "Black Christmas" in my DVD player to remind me what the genre is really all about. On with the review!
We get some wet gore moments but the fact that they’re in THIS movie made them trivial for me. Girls explode, a screwdriver is stabbed in one’s neck, a head and a heart are ripped out.
Andrew Keegan (David) does ok but he seems to be asleep at the wheel at times. Richard Hillman (Neil) owns the picture with his grandiose display of scene chewing. He got a few smiles out of me and that’s a feat in itself taking into account the crappy project that he's in. Tiffany Limos (Judith) got her SAG card in a cereal box. She stinks up the joint with her performance and then some. Wow! Now THAT’S lousy acting! Tara Subkoff (Sarah) is the most credible actor here; her performance is grounded and realistic. NOTE: The rest of the cast is uneven. Some are ok; others suck so bad I won’t even take the time to mention who they are, not worth the keyboard tapping.
T & A
We get a ludicrous amount of female tits, male/female ass, close-ups on hardons, a girl masturbating to an exploding chick and dudes shirtless all over the place. We all know that I dig nudity more than the next guy in my horror films, but in my book, it’s supposed to be the sweet dessert...not the MAIN course!
Clark slaps in crappy filters galore and clumsy shots all over the place. To be fair, he does show off some kool camera tricks (loved the play with fast/slow motion) but overall, this is a pretty shoddy job. The cinematography is puke-inducing to boot!
The score is on and off. Sometimes it’s groovy, other times...way tacky.
IMAGE: We get a widescreen and a full screen option. I watched it on widescreen and the image looked fine apart from the occasional lack of definition.
SOUND: We get a Dolby Digital 5.1 sound. The sound is aight, but the score hindered the dialogue sometimes.
EXTRAS: Do you care about the extras on this disk? I didn’t. Here they are anyway.
"Making Of" featurette (2 minutes): Making of featurette???? I call this a waste of time. The costume designers come in and say a few things about the costumes and…well, that’s that. What a waste!
We also get an extensive Photo Gallery (kind of kool), Filmographies and Trailers (Creature Features, BS Dracula, Urban Legends).
You give Larry Clark tomatoes and he’ll make a teeny porn opus with them. So it was no surprise that when they gave him a horror film, he turned it into…you guessed it…a teeny porn flick. For me, a REAL director displays some versatility and is able to let his own personal shit go to serve the project. Clark CAN’T do that. He always feels the need to satisfy his own dirty fantasies through his directing gigs therefore totally negating the story that he’s supposed to be telling. This flick could’ve been good, I kind of liked the premise but Clark ruined it. DUDE! Get your ass reamed by a chick wearing a strap-on already and flush the filth out of your system! Maybe then you’ll be able to direct movies for real, as opposed to always finding a way to turn them into unapologetic smut! Hey Larry! I’ll have a large all-dressed pizza to go please! Can you make that pan? Thanks champ!
Mr. Clark has a few photographic books on the market. They’re called Tulsa (1971), Teenage Lust (1982), and Perfect Childhood (1992). Figures…