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Sex changes everything
While I was watching TEETH; I kept trying to find the deeper meaning to it, the metaphor if you will. I mean is this a parallel for the dangers of sex? A statement on how
damn stupid some men are? A play on a young girl segueing to womanhood? A take on the 1950-ish disgust of the vagina (come on we’re in the year 2000 now…the pussy is celebrated hardcore…
it is by me anyway!) After some minute brain stirring; I came up with this: F*ck it! It’s about a hot chick with a vagina with teeth. When I went with
that, all was well in Graceland.
TEETH gets the Arrow seal of approval for its unique and daring premise alone. Virgin for life finds out that her love box has a set of choppers and when she gets peeved during the whole "in & out" it bites men’s dongs off. You don’t hear that one every day (unless you’re me and date the douche bags I date) and I appreciated the brave storyline and the even braver execution of it. Now, for all of you expecting to see a vaj with dentures gnawing at the screen; you’ll be bummed out; the beast was never shown, it was implied. But if you’re looking for a morbidly funny, totally out there and courageous piece of horror cinema, you’ve come to the right bean counter.
TEETH's biggest strength was in its lead character of Dawn, wonderfully played by hot to trot Jess Weixler. I loved her, respected her, felt for her and wanted to bang her silly in every hole. I was right there with her as she got abused by some really dumbass dudes, was harassed by her deviant step brother and discovered the magic of her snatch. The latter alone acted as a set up for a slew of hilarious, cringe worthy or/and fairly warped happenings. Last time I saw so many dicks lopped off was when a handful of my friends proved to be pussy-whipped bitches the moment they entered steady relationships. Moreover, the flick had this charming "black comedy", HEATHERS type vibe to it all that kept rubbing me the right way while the whole stepbrother (played to a T by John Hensley who stole every scene he was in) wants to bang stepsister subplot made way for a lot of out of line giggles from your truly.
Where TEETH lost me was...well... there is just so much you can say about a vagina with teeth before you have to take it to the next level and it never took that step. It stayed on that one level throughout, rinsing and repeating, and didn’t up the stakes until the last frames. Also from a heterosexual man’s point of view, I was somewhat appalled at the portrayal of my brothers in twat in this film. I mean these guys are all pathetic rapists in training with no freaking game whatsoever. Yeah bro you’ll keep tapping that ass by answering a cell call from your boy to brag about it while banging her. Real smart move there pal! It was so obvious that the dudes here had to be so f*cking dumb/shallow for us to retain sympathy for the lead gal and her evil snapper. Too obvious.
At the end of the slurp though; TEETH went by fast and hit where it counts for the most part. I laughed, I cringed, got aroused, roll credits. In the mood for a film that pushes the envelope up the mailman’s ass? Hit it and thank me later!