ARROW IN THE HEAD REVIEWS

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Teeth (2007)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Mitchell Lichtenstein

Starring:
Jess Weixler/Dawn
John Hensley/Brad
Hale Appleman/Tobey
7 10
PLOT-CRUNCH
Young "purity/virginal" inclined babe (Weixler), finds out that her snatchy-snatch-snatch has a set of teeth (Why wouldn't' it?) the hard way. Mucho penis chomping and coming of age type storyline ensues. A pussy with teeth...okay...why the f*ck not!
THE LOWDOWN

Sex changes everything

While I was watching TEETH; I kept trying to find the deeper meaning to it, the metaphor if you will. I mean is this a parallel for the dangers of sex? A statement on how damn stupid some men are? A play on a young girl segueing to womanhood? A take on the 1950-ish disgust of the vagina (come on we’re in the year 2000 now…the pussy is celebrated hardcore… it is by me anyway!) After some minute brain stirring; I came up with this: F*ck it! It’s about a hot chick with a vagina with teeth. When I went with that, all was well in Graceland.

TEETH gets the Arrow seal of approval for its unique and daring premise alone. Virgin for life finds out that her love box has a set of choppers and when she gets peeved during the whole "in & out" it bites men’s dongs off. You don’t hear that one every day (unless you’re me and date the douche bags I date) and I appreciated the brave storyline and the even braver execution of it. Now, for all of you expecting to see a vaj with dentures gnawing at the screen; you’ll be bummed out; the beast was never shown, it was implied. But if you’re looking for a morbidly funny, totally out there and courageous piece of horror cinema, you’ve come to the right bean counter.

TEETH's biggest strength was in its lead character of Dawn, wonderfully played by hot to trot Jess Weixler. I loved her, respected her, felt for her and wanted to bang her silly in every hole. I was right there with her as she got abused by some really dumbass dudes, was harassed by her deviant step brother and discovered the magic of her snatch. The latter alone acted as a set up for a slew of hilarious, cringe worthy or/and fairly warped happenings. Last time I saw so many dicks lopped off was when a handful of my friends proved to be pussy-whipped bitches the moment they entered steady relationships. Moreover, the flick had this charming "black comedy", HEATHERS type vibe to it all that kept rubbing me the right way while the whole stepbrother (played to a T by John Hensley who stole every scene he was in) wants to bang stepsister subplot made way for a lot of out of line giggles from your truly.

Where TEETH lost me was...well... there is just so much you can say about a vagina with teeth before you have to take it to the next level and it never took that step. It stayed on that one level throughout, rinsing and repeating, and didn’t up the stakes until the last frames. Also from a heterosexual man’s point of view, I was somewhat appalled at the portrayal of my brothers in twat in this film. I mean these guys are all pathetic rapists in training with no freaking game whatsoever. Yeah bro you’ll keep tapping that ass by answering a cell call from your boy to brag about it while banging her. Real smart move there pal! It was so obvious that the dudes here had to be so f*cking dumb/shallow for us to retain sympathy for the lead gal and her evil snapper. Too obvious.

At the end of the slurp though; TEETH went by fast and hit where it counts for the most part. I laughed, I cringed, got aroused, roll credits. In the mood for a film that pushes the envelope up the mailman’s ass? Hit it and thank me later!

GORE
We get a lot of mangled cocks and a shot of some dude's ass (yes that's gore to me man).
ACTING
Jess Weixler (Dawn) had the angel-like looks, vulnerability and charm to have me side with her the whole way - evil slit in tow. John Hensley (Brad) was freaking side splitting as the jaded, selfish, deviant and violent step brother. Hale Appleman (Tobey) did what he had to do efficiently.
T & A
We get Jess Weixler's B-Cups (or was it A) looking finer than fine and the ladies get a lot of mangled cocks and a shot of some dude's ass.
DIRECTING
The directing was fairly un-intrusive, almost matter of fact like, which made the kooky events at hand punch in even harder
SOUNDTRACK
The score fit the many moods of the film adequatly, nough said, you do the rest!
BOTTOM LINE
TEETH was a gross, daring, bleakly humorous and somewhat horn-dog inducing little film that rarely held back and delivered the goods as it should. Granted; the men here were such moronic patsies that I didn't always find them credible. They made Pee Wee Herman look hetero. Also the flick never upped the ante on its initial premise; therefore it stuck to what it did, no more, no less. But at the end of the load in the face; its a well made film about a young girl and her vagina with teeth...there's something to be said about that. Pump it and remember to pull out before chow-down ensues. All the best, love and kisses.
BULL'S EYE
Jess Weixler is 25 years old in real life.

The flick was shot in Austin, Texas, USA.

This was Mitchell Lichtenstein first directorial feature film.
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4:52AM on 06/03/2008

WTF?!

Arrow, your negative part of the review toward this film is exactly why I gave it the low ranking that I did. I was very surprised to see that this was directed by a man, since the film, in its third act felt like VERY thinly disguised hardcore feminist propaganda. Also, the journey Jess's character takes from an innocent naive virgin to a "medusa" who uses her sexual power over men as a weapon happened WAY too quickly and I didn't buy it for a hot second! The movie was so promising in its
Arrow, your negative part of the review toward this film is exactly why I gave it the low ranking that I did. I was very surprised to see that this was directed by a man, since the film, in its third act felt like VERY thinly disguised hardcore feminist propaganda. Also, the journey Jess's character takes from an innocent naive virgin to a "medusa" who uses her sexual power over men as a weapon happened WAY too quickly and I didn't buy it for a hot second! The movie was so promising in its first two acts, where the writing was very well done and the characters were people I really came to care for, but the movie's third act utterly destroyed what it had established before as the movie devolved into an exploitative, grindhouse-like flick (I have nothing against grindhouse films, save the "women in prison" films, but the movie did not set itself up as one).

What a waste!
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