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# A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Texas Chainsaw 3D(2012)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: John Luessenhop

Starring:
Alexandra Daddario/Heather
Dan Yeager/Letherface
Tania Raymonde/Nikki
Scott Eastwood/Karl
5 10
PLOT-CRUNCH
Hot chick in tiny outfits (Alexandra Daddario) inherits a house in Texas and brings her douche friends with her to check it out. Grandpa Leatherface (Dan Yeager) pops up, crashes the shin-dig and makes chunky gravy out of them.
THE LOWDOWN

Here's the rundown and where I stand on the franchise! First there was the original and still scary today THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974), then we got TOBE HOOPER’S “I didn’t get it, must give it another chance” sequel THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2 (1986). The Sawyer clan got a face lift in 1990 via the heavily MPAA/Producers messed with LEATHERFACE: THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 3 (still my fav sequel thus far). After that the long delayed so bad it's hilarious THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE THE NEXT GENERATION (1994) kicked in also with a new clan (Matthew McConaughey’s INSANE performance was fun though). Finally the two fine Platinum Dunes remakes THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2003) and the criminally underrated THE TEXAS CHAINSAW: THE BEGINNING (2006) sawed in. And now we have another face-lift via TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D which ignores the “Massacre” moniker, the reboots and the sequels (yup even Tobe Hooper’s own follow up to his original) and decides that it is THE continuation to the original masterpiece. Is it man? Is it really?

I have to admit, no matter how much  TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D screwed the pooch, I couldn’t bring myself to hate the damn thing. The love for Hooper’s classic was obviously there and I had to esteem that. I dug the cameos (Gunnar Hansen, Bill Moseley, Marilyn Burns), witnessing scenes from the original in 3D during the opening and smiled at all the visual nods and winks to Hooper’s genre defining film. Furthermore, it took balls to continue the story right after the ending of the original. Bummer all these Sawyer clan members popped out of nowhere, but hey, I let it go, in the name of having a good time. Yup, the peeps behind this sucka had their dead beat hearts in the right place and were shooting for something big; sadly they didn’t nail it. But before I shove a chainsaw up this one’s corn-hole, let me give it the props it deserves. I dug the in initial premise (a Sawyer relative discovers her roots) and where they wound up going with it. Although they did it in a clumsy and implausible fashion, the idea was still good. The script so needed a polish here! I said it! The visual style was also efficient, not as gritty as the original or as flashy as the remake, it lied somewhere in the middle. The lighting was atmospheric, I got a couple of novel solid suspenseful scenes (Carnival = nice!) to chew on and some fly shots, all good. The gore hit home as well with a “person” being sawed in half being the highlight (for me anyways). Lastly the pace was effortless, Dan Yeager made for a solid Leatherface, he echoed the one in the original to a T (even when the script played against him) and Alexandra Daddario and her varied skimpy outfit made for groovy crotch candy. Girl and her bobbling cleavage can act too! Always a plus.

On the stale side of the saw, the dialogue often made my ears bleed and the stock characters (the hoe, the player, the tool) could not have been more unlikeable. I wanted them all to die the moment they appeared onscreen, specially the tool. Who dressed that clown up? His little sister? Reminded me of E.T. in drags! Yeesh! Where’s Clint Eastwood when you need him! Speaking of THE MAN, the dude’s son (Scott Eastwood) was in the house, he did fine with the little he was given, alas he was wasted here. Same went for the haw-shucks hitchhiker (Shaun Sipos), an entertaining character, but underused. And what was up this flick’s schizophrenic timeline? The prologue took place in the 70’s, so if we go by the age of the leads we’re in the 90’s. Two problems: that makes Leatherface a senior citizen and in the 90’s they had no IPhone (which was used here). The movie went out of its way to NOT mention the time it was set in past the prologue and did its best to cover it up throughout, but I couldn’t help but notice the stumbles and that took me out of the ride. Last but certainly not least; some of the characters actions/left field change of hearts/motivations MADE ZERO sense to me and one cop here went for the DUMB MOVE TO SERVE THE PLOT OF THE YEAR AWARD (They don’t have back-up in this hick town?), he may win it, lets see how the year goes. Like I said before, the film had fresh ideas but failed in going from point A to C in a rational and plausible manner, hence prompting a handful of giggles and "what the f*cks" out of my yapper. NOTE: The opening and three small bits aside, the cash-grab 3D was pointless; it didn’t augment my enjoyment of the picture much.

So all in all, this was one of those “dig through your cranium, grab your brain, rip it out and toss it to the curb” kind of affair. Only way to party with this one cause it's one stupid ass movie! See it for the kills and the laughs (at it) and in my book of blood, see it on DVD. The Platinum Dunes remakes are looking even better now!

GORE
I won’t spoil all of the kills for ya cause they are the main reason to catch this one! But the highlight was a person sawed in half! Made me smile and touched my heart. You will see red here, have no fear!
T & A
Yeah we got gore but no tit shot? If you’re gonna have a chick (named Nikki of all names, the token 80's slasher whore name) undress for some bang-bang, have her lose the top! Come on! It’s Rated R and it’s a slasher! Shame on ya! I did appreciate the many close ups of Tania Raymonde"s butt and the “suddenly Alexandra Daddario’s shirt is unbuttoned and she’s bra-less bit”. The latter came out of nowhere but hey, no complaints!
BOTTOM LINE
TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D had its thumper in the right place, and gave it its best shot, alas, it missed the mark by a mile. Sure the gore was fly, we got some tension and there was a lot of good ideas here that COULD HAVE BEEN. But the sloppy script (or was it producer interference or editing room overcooking), the despicable lead teens, the dumb moves to serve the plot and the characters irrational reactions/motivations (or lack of) to the events at hand (Do your thing Cuz - really?) pissed an STD ridden stream on the whole thing. At least the pace was easy and Alexandra Daddario looked yum. Dumb fun! But too dumb for its own good. Pass or on DVD! Save your coin!
BULL'S EYE
Lookout for the Jigsaw versus Leatherface scene. Cute but dumb.

The flick was shot in Shreveport, Louisiana, USA

John Luessenhop also directed the "mobster" flick Takers (2010)

Adam Marcus, writer and director of Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993) , Debra Sullivan and Kirsten Elms are all credited screenwriters on this
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