The Apparition (2012)
Director: Todd Lincoln
A group of young adults forego partying and getting laid in favour of conjuring an evil entity. Hey, we all have our hobbies. Then they get what they deserve in PG-13 lameness.
I missed out on THE APPARITION in theaters and heard the bad buzz about it afterwards. But being that I dug the trailer, I figured I’d give it a whirl on DVD, hoping for the best, expecting the worse. Sadly, even with my expectations lower than Miss Trump on her knees earning that Gold card for the weekend, the flick still blew dongs.
There’s not much to spit about THE APPARITION. I mean it had an appealing initial premise, but instead of capitalizing on it, it back-handed it aside in favor of tossing a string of mostly by the numbers fear ploys that carried little to ZERO impact. The limp dick scares came with the usual bad moves to serve the plot. You know the drill, they know that the house is spooked they of course stay in it or the chick is “terrified” but kicks her boyfriend out so she can be alone and get haunted again …bla bla bla. It didn’t help matters that the pacing was sluggish, sometimes the movie was so dark I couldn’t see jack-twat and that tension never kicked in. And what was up with the Costco obsession? I swear the store was featured more here than the actual f-ing ghost. That kind of stood out. Finally I wasn’t crazy about the shameless “The Grudge” rips, the under-using of hot to trot Julianna Guill and the choppy chain of events. It felt like they lacked coverage or the flick got Kibbled and Bits in the editing room. The meat was lacking, the story was underdeveloped and whatever was there was skimmed over. Add to that a meh generic techno score, Ashley Greene on auto pilot (You're supposed to be scared...EMOTE baby girl!) and some British dude that kept over-articulating every word (it’s not the stage bud... EASY MAN) and you get a sad sack movie, one that was almost too boring to hate.
Any positives? Well I dug some of the shots (like the areal ones), seeing Ashley Green in a bikini, then short shorts, then a nightie and then in a shower rubbing her shoulder like her life depended on it was swell too. Moreover, Sebastian Stan was the only actor that sold me and that looked like he actually wanted to be in the film. And that’s it. Like I said not much to say about a movie that offers next to nothing to chew on. I will end with this; I can forgive a lot of things in terms of flicks, but I can't forgive BORING THE SHIT out of me. The Apparition did just that. And it was 82 minutes long! It will even put teen girls to sleep. Nothing to see here, Move on!
T & A
Ashley Greene in varied skimpy outfits and her shoulder…ouuuu….check her naked here
instead (WARNING NUDITY -NSFW)!
What else can I say? THE APPARITION had no frights, a thin story, flat acting by Ashley Greene, a half cocked chain of events, boredom, boredom and more boredom. Yes Sebastian Stan was good, I dug some of the shots, Greene showing off her ass is always esteemed and the initial premise could have been (if they actually did something with it), but on the whole, a total waste. DARK CASTLE has now officially reached the bottom of the barrel! Too bad…