ARROW IN THE HEAD REVIEWS

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The Colony (2013)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Jeff Renfroe

Starring:
Laurence Fishburne/Ross
Kevin Zegers/Sam
Bill Paxton/Mason
Charlotte Sullivan/Kai
PLOT-CRUNCH
The earth has gone through another ice age; the remaining humans live underground in small colonies where the common cold can kill you. But something worse is out there…something… ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… is it over yet?
THE LOWDOWN
THE COLONY is a Canadian film directed by American director Jeff Renfroe. I was told it was a low budget flick, but then found out it cost 16 Million to make which in my world is FARRRRR from a f*cking low budget. It was of course funded by Telefilm Canada, and yes I wish my tax money was put in better places, like fixing the f*cking pot holes in the roads or getting rid of the decaying drug addicts that pollute the corner of my street. Come on!

Yup, this was a tough sit down, it did get easier once I started laughing at the thing, but still, I was in freaking pain throughout this uninspired and clumsy bore. So! Instead of writing my garbage in my usual format, here is a glimpse at my train of thought as I was enduring this dreck. MAJOR SPOILERS BELOW You were warned!

-Somebody’s seen THE THING, nice rip on the bass line heavy soundtrack of Carpenter’s classic.

-Am digging the sleek push-ins, camera movements wise.

-Compelling set up! I The idea of humans having survived a second ice age and living underground is a cool one. What dangers will they encounter? Tum, tum, tum...

-Bill Paxton in the house! Nice! Love that dude; hope his role is a juicy one!

-Why is Charlotte Sullivan all decked out like she’s about to hit the runway when everybody else is dressed like hobos without a clue? Lose the mascara and the fashion coat girl, you're supposed to be living in a post apocalyptic world yo, I’m not buying it!

-I wonder what the exterior threat will be, please give me monsters. No zombies, no cannibals, no crazy ex girlfriends… MONSTERS!

-The CGI and the green screen are half assed. Where did that 16 Million go? Crates of mascara for Charlotte Sullivan?

-The pacing is slowwwwwww

-Canuck Kevin Zegers is doing a good job with what he was given, kudos.

-Why isn’t anybody asking the important question: “WHAT IS IT EXACTLY THAT YOU SAW? WHAT IS OUT THERE”? Stop ducking it to serve the f*cking plot!

-I got to hand it to Laurence Fishburne, he elevates any movie, even turds like this one. Damn this dude is good!

-Sigh, now I know, it’s not monsters, its flesh hungry rejects from Cyborg.

-Pssst, if somebody throws down a ladder so you can't get up, just push the ladder up again, instead of just standing there in a huff and a puff...pass it on!

-The action scene on the bridge is pretty dope.

-The lead cannibal villain should EASE down on the theatrics; maybe I’d be scared of him instead of laughing my ass off at him. He makes Fender in Cyborg look subtle.

-Nice gore! Too bad the action scenes are of the SHAKE THAT CAMERA REAL FAST BITCH variety.

-I guess somebody forgot that falling snow covers up footprints…urg…

-I am now officially bored. Lets laugh at it!

-The supporting actors so pale performance wise next to the leads, something about them just feels off.

-Could they at least have given Bill Paxton’s character one layer? Just one?! I get it he’s a pure bred asshole that doesn’t grasp the words common or sense. A pathetic role for a great actor… you’re better than this Paxt! Hope the pay check was worth it!

-This movie should be done by now, you have guns, they don’t, just take your position and fire away, roll credits. Idiots…

-Man, these morons keep doing all the wrong moves, frustrating yet hilarious!

-He killed a man, now he’s a man, let’s convey that via fire, slow motion and an out of focus shot…EASY TIGER! Too heavy handed…

-That’s it? That’s how it ends? We don’t even know if they find what they were looking for in the first place? BOOOOOO!

There you have it, am very much aware that for folks that didn’t see the film this keyboard vomiting may not make much sense, but hey that’s all I got with this one, do with it what you will!
GORE
We get some gory goods; slit throats, chopped off head, stabbings, bullet wounds and more!
T & A
None. This movie could have used some...
BOTTOM LINE
The Colony made for a crappy way to start the day. I can’t believe it cost 16 Million to make (star salaries I assume). I’ve seen 50.000$ movies look better than this, what a waste! Good initial idea, Laurence Fishburne classing the joint up, some gore, a handful of fly camera movements and it’s always nice to see Bill Paxton , even when he’s utterly WASTED like this. But none of that could save this turkey from being mostly a derivative bore, with bland poseur villains, uneven acting, ALL KINDS of dumb moves to serve the plot, shoddy acting by lots of the supporting players, cheap visuals effects and a finale that said: we’re not ending the movie, so f*ck you. AVOID! NEXT!
BULL'S EYE
The flick was shot in Ontario, Canada.

Bill Paxton will be seen in the Tom Cruise flick All You Need Is Kill (2014).
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