The Arrow Reviews

The town folks of a small Iowa town start going craaaaaaaaaaaazy after some loony inducing virus is accidentally unleashed upon them. Will too cool for the mental ward Timothy Olymphant stop the madness?

I saw George Romero’s THE CRAZIES eons ago. How long has it been? I saw it on VHS that’s how f*cking long. And to be honest I don’t remember much of it other than a cut-away subplot of military types yapping away and one scene having to do with some dude nailing his “craaaazy” daughter. I guess what I’m getting at is that what I do remember of the 1973 THE CRAZIES, its edge and exposition, were nowhere to be found in this remake, retelling, reboot, re-tool, stop starving Hollywood screenwriters who pen original work... what ever they’re called now late.

Although way too rushed to work as a social commentary (which Romero’s version of course did), I got some elbow drops out of THE CRAZIES, but mostly of the cheap and easy variety. I dug the look of the picture (somewhat grainy which kind of gave it a retro feel) and to say the fucko was on the move would be an understatement. It opened, crazy shit kicked in and then it rarely stopped to scratch its nuts yet alone to actually delve into anything beyond the surface. The characters, their relationships, the dire situation, the why behind it all…. all glanced at and then booted aside to make way for some non-stop horror nades. So yeah on one end I was having fun clocking our heroes fight through and survive a myriad of “crazies going crazy” scenarios, I got a couple of good jolts and some of the set pieces came with a healthy dose of effective suspense… but on the other end… I kept asking myself.... why the rush? Take your time, build up to shit, I'm in no hurry, I'm here to watch a movie! Yup, the story needed some beefing up and some room to breathe.

Moreover, predictability was factor as I saw this one’s every turn coming from miles away. You’ve seen 28 Weeks Later or even Carriers and you’ll know where this tramp will be hooking her bootie, before she does.Going against the grain and taking chances within the subgenre its toying in would’ve helped make this routine/by the numbers flick feel fresher. And will I mention how the dumb moves to serve the plot and the many conveniences grated me? I guess I just did. Thankfully the actors on hand made it all worthwhile. I’m a huge Timothy Olymphant fan and once again, he took a meh role on paper and made it come to life via his inimitable presence and talent. Love that dude! Olyphant had some able support as well. Radha Mitchell did what she had to do adequately (basically get in trouble and wait for her man to save her ass) while Joe Anderson (Russell) almost stole the show with his endearing display. Cutie Danielle Panabaker was just “there” as Becca, not her fault, she didn’t have much of a role; at least she was easy on the crotch.

All in all THE CRAZIES rolled on fast, was amusing and made for a good time waster…but that was pretty much it. It was too hollow, cold and connect the dots for it to make a dent in my noggin. I’ll actually say that maybe the timing was wrong for a THE CRAZIES remake being that its game has been done to death in the last 5 years. But hey what do I know…maybe I’m the crazy one over here! I am after all like a dog chasing cars, I wouldn’t know what to do if I caught one… you know… I just do things!

Not a gore fest but messy enough for my liking. We get mangled infected faces, mucho dead bodies, a knife in the hand/neck, pitchfork impaling, bullets in the head and that’s pretty much it.

None what so ever. Am pretty sure Romero’s original at least had a tit shot.

As I was watching THE CRAZIES, I was rocking and rolling. But once out of the screening, the more time went by, the more the film faded away from my one brain cell. And when I finally got to this so called review, I asked myself: "Did I just see a movie?" Yup it was one of those. THE CRAZIES had a sleek, eye candy look to it, slammed some cool action/horror scenes my way, sported a Grade A cast (Olymphant is the shite!) and its pace was fast and furious. But to me, it felt more like a string of familiar action/horror scenes backed up by a half cocked “why” than a full fledged movie. Way too vacuous and predictable (every move was telegraphed) to stand tall and proud.. My advice, see it on DVD with a beer in one hand and a knob polishing severed head in the other – may go down better that way.

Breck Eisner also directed the ho-hum SAHARA (2005) starring Matthew McConaughey. He's supposed to do THE BROOD remake next.

George A. Romero was executive producer on the film.

Scott Kosar also wrote the The Amityville Horror (2005) remake.

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