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The Da Vinci Code (2006)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Ron Howard

Starring:
Tom Hanks/Robert
Audrey Tautou/Sophie
Jean Reno/Fache
Paul Bettany/Silas
PLOT-CRUNCH
Tom Hanks, his “new wavy” hair (I love it Tommy, love it!) and the sexy Audrey Tautou are on the run from the law, a pasty white God loving, murderous gent and the church as they seek the truth behind The Da Vinci Code. What is the Da Vinci Code? Ask Jean Reno yo!
THE LOWDOWN
Unless you’ve been living under a gravestone for the last couple of years or so, you’ll at least have heard of Dan Brown's Best Selling book The Da Vinci Code. I haven’t read it myself (aint got time to read much like The Body Ventura aint got time to bleed) but I can tell you right now, I’m sure that this story plays out much better in book form than it did on celluloid.

Within the first hour of this film you could say that I was semi nailed to its cross. The subject matter interested me (I was raised Catholic hence know my religion), the mystery at hand tantalized me, the early plot turns had me by the egg whites while the sleek/bleak visuals made it all go down smoother than a hooker on Prom Night with your girlfriend in the room filming the shenanigans. Furthermore the flick dropped its cards slyly via teasing the heck out of me with its secrets’ potential and by delivering its heavy expositional bits during or in between taunt action sequences. Tag to that the yummy random moments of brutality (good for you Opie) and the solid actors kicking it swell (The entertaining Ian Mckellen, scary Paul Bettany &  intense Jean Reno owned as usual) and all was good at mass for this sucka.

Unfortunately, running at 2 hours and 40 minutes, this one ran out of hump before its half way mark. The action toned down and the mumbo jumbo laced bla-bla kicked in with no back-up...Zzzzz. Straight up, 40 minutes should’ve been shaved off this sheep as it overstayed its welcome like The Black Eyed Pees at the top of the music charts. The lead characters just weren’t involving or developed enough to sustain my interest for all that time; no matter how many flashbacks (sometimes useless) they had tagged to them (Hanks and Tautou were Mulder and Scully minus the sparks & substance). The later, randomly hockey plot twists left me cold as well. They’re just so many times one can get dicked around by a flick before he/she says “F-Off". The film’s main mystery lost me too by that point, as I wasn’t dumbfounded or taken aback by “the final revelations” as much as the film would’ve liked me to. Once all was laid on the slab, I was like: “Oh hum…okay…I can see how this could be a big deal…it  just isn't to me.” Maybe if I hadn’t seen any other Thriller-101 or/and the great “The Last Temptation of Christ”…I would've gave a damn.  

Then we had the film’s knack at NOT knowing when to end pouring on my head like the red sea. How many “false climaxes” does a film need before I jump off the balcony to end it myself? SHEESH! Get it done already! To make matters worse the film suffered from two all too frequent Mainstream American Cinema ailments. 1- No subplot was left un-concluded, which actually lessened the film’s strength/impact if you ask me! I don't need everything wrapped up neatly in a little bow man! Specially with a subject matter such as this one! Somebody forgot to watch THE OMEN to see how to do it right! As for the real ending, it was one too many. 2- Watering down everything that was said via a see through, politically correct safety net "speech" near the end. How pathetic…where are the guts and balls in today’s cinema? NOT HERE!

In short, The Da Vinci Code was a well-shot and at times inventive religiously themed thriller that went on for way too long, played it too safe and didn't cap-off fast enough. One thing it did do (much like the original, The Omen did in its days) is made me want to go back to Da Vinci’s “Last Supper” painting to see if the film was full of shit or not. Other that, whatever man, I saw it, wrote this thing posing as a review and will now forget it. Oh and one last thing? Why the f*ck is the Mona Lisa such a prominent marketing tool for this film! The dame is hardly in the film! DA VINCI THIS!
GORE
We get some nasty self-inflicted wounds, some head bashing, light blood here and there and gun shot results.
ACTING
Tom Hanks (Robert) and Audrey Tautou (Sophie) did fine with what they were given...not much. Thank Zeus they both had charisma and Hanks had that crazy hair . Jean Reno (Fache) aced his bulldog cop shtick. Funnily enough his name means "angry" in French. He wore it well! Paul Bettany (Silas) was creepy yet endearing as the "kills for God dude". Great show! Ian McKellen (Sir Leigh Teabing) always rocks, here was no exception!
T & A
The dames get Paul Bettany's toned white ass while we get a little bit of “Na” and a lot of “thing!
DIRECTING
Opie made it all look candy dread dandy, showed off a couple of slick shots and communicated his (often non needed) flashbacks with panache. Too bad nobody told him that the film was 40 beans too long!
SOUNDTRACK
The somber/grandiose score by the Grade-A Hans Zimmer filled the bill! Nothing too stand-out, just there, getting the job done.
BOTTOM LINE
The Da Vinci Code might piss off the Church and the ardent Bible thumpers of the world but for your average dudes (ettes) like me who don’t have much stakes or passion invested in the “Good Book, it’s just another run of the mill potboiler. Yes, it started off on the right stab and had me nailed down for an hour. Sadly, it got tedious after that, lost its mojo, overdid the twists, yapped too much and just never knew when to call it quits. Coming out I was happy to have seen the film mostly because I’d never have to see it again. Rental fare at best! Now can you crack this anagram: “nrop elbassin kroc”? Talk amongst yourselves, crack the code and discover within it the true meaning of life.
BULL'S EYE
Solid actors, Alfred Molina and Jürgen Prochnow both have small roles in the film.

Director Ron Howard's first pick for the part of Robert Langdon was Bill Paxton but Paxton wasn't available.

Author Dan Brown wrote the part of Inspector Fache with Jean Reno in mind.

VISIT THE OFFICIAL THE DA VINCI CODE SITE HERE

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1:07PM on 05/23/2006

Anagram

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nrop elbassin kroc = Lesbian Porn Rocks.
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2:45PM on 05/18/2006
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Cork Nissable Porn? What the hell is that? Blahblahblah, 50 characters, and there!
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