ARROW IN THE HEAD REVIEWS

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The Fantastic Four (1994)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Oley Sassone

Starring:
Alex Hyde-White/Reed Richards
Rebecca Staab/Susan Storm
Jay Underwood/Johnny Storm
Michael Bailey-Smith/Benjamin Grimm
PLOT-CRUNCH
Based on the famous Marvel comic of the same name, 4 astronauts are hit with some kind of “radiation ray” during a “Space Shuttle” mishap and return to earth with special powers. Together they battle the evil one known as “Dr. Doom” i.e. Dr. Ham while stinking up the joint with their most powerful gift of all… atrocious acting. IT’S GIGGLE TIME IN THE USA!
THE LOWDOWN
With the new Fantastic Four flick soon upon us (to be released July 2005); I decided to hunt down the never distributed 1994 cinematic adaptation (exec-produced by Roger Corman) of the fame Marvel Comic .

Now, I've heard two reasons as to why the flick was never let out of the vault. The first was that it was just too bad of a movie to be released and the second was that it was never intended to be set loose in the first place where it was solely made in the name of retaining the “rights”. Whatever the case, one thing is for certain…IT BLEW! Sure the costumes were swell (The Thing actually looked tight), the flick sported maybe 2 groovy moments (dug The Torch flying effect) and it was unintentionally HILARIOUS but let’s face it…it still SUCKED donkey balls to Ping Pong hell.

Here are precious things that I learned via this crud…let them bleed…let them wash away…

. A really bad film can be the funniest thing since that pitiful rap band “Kriss Kross’ wore their clothes upside down.

. A 2 Million Dollar budget can easily look like 10 cents, a nickel and a free paper hat.

. After falling to earth from space, surviving the affair and being in tip-top shape at that, walking home is not an option, but having a campfire and waiting for somebody to drop by is the best idea.

. Master of the Universe left over sets are alive & well and living in this movie!

. In reality Dr. Doom and Reed want each to bang each other bare back; they should just do the nasty and get it out of the way. Can you spell undertones? Can you spell gay undertones? Can you spell toaster? Can you spell giraffe? Just checking…

. Dr Doom loves to laugh, talk while his hands wave about wildly, exit with his cape and when feeling ambitious, talk with his hands and laugh at the same time but with no cape. WOW! And I won't even address the "smoke machine" that seems to be permanently lodged in his rectum.

. A villain giving 12 hours to the good guy to surrender was the norm in 1994. How generous!

. Slip a glove on the end of a broom stick and you too can be “Reed” the plastic man! Bugh…

. With his deadly stretched out leg; Reed can trip over 50 enemies at a time! Isn't that special? Urg...

. When The Thing says; “its clobbering time”, that means you WON’T see the fights sequences. You’ll see a spinning image though (was that a picture mounted on a record player?).

. An aristocratic, Leprechaun-like and annoying character that wasn’t in the comic doesn’t need to be explained as to whom the fuck he is and what the fuck is his purpose in this movie.

. You can fall in UNDISPUTED LOVE with somebody within the span of 5 seconds by bumping into them, breaking their sculpture and not getting their name. Who knew?

. Being blind means that your facial expression should echo one of having to take a "Donkey Kong" 24/7

. Blind girls can also have POV shots when passing out…I stress the word blind.

. It takes 12 goons and a can of chloroform to kidnap one helpless blind girl…again…I stress the word blind….I guess these baddies never learned the art of the “back-hand”.

. If you’re kidnapped, it is highly feasible that somebody else will barge in and kidnap you from the initial kidnappers.

. Playing an invisible girl means you just don’t show up on set; visual effect accomplished!

. To learn the ULTIMATE definition of over-acting, witness Jay Underwood burn, chew and piss on the scenery via his rendition of Johnny Blaze. It must be seen to be believed. Where were the Director and his hammer to pipe that brat down?

. Johnny Blaze’s fireballs never hit his ennemies, just the same freaking brick wall over and over again. Re-used footage whoring!

. Reed is a cheap bastard where he’d rather wear the blue superhero get-up he’s been sweating and fighting in for days than rent a tux for his wedding. Miss Reed’s going to have a cottage cheese surprise when she tastes the goods during the honeymoon that’s for damn sure!

And I can go on and on and on…but I’m sure you get the picture by now. Fantastic Four made me laugh till my stomach hurt, had me groaning in disgust at the ineptness before me and made me think of my EX in this sense: “How can something that dry-sucks this damn much, be so entertaining at the same time?" View the flick and maybe you’ll figure it out or better yet, you might uncover the secret of how they get the caramel inside of the "Caramilk" chocolate bar.

GORE
A burnt face and Jay Underwood’s abominable overacting.
ACTING
Alex Hyde-White (Reed Richards) was the better actor here and the closest to his comic book counterpart. Rebecca Staab (Susan Storm) was decent, nothing to write home about though. Jay Underwood (Johnny Storm) should be ashamed of himself for this overblown and actually quite funny in a semi annoying way performance. Thanks for the laughs man! Michael Bailey-Smith (Benjamin Grimm) had big biceps and looked like a gay porn extra…that was that on that.

Ian Trigger (The Jeweler) is maybe a good actor in other projects but here he was akin to a pest that just wouldn’t go away. What an unbearable character, hence performance! Joseph Culp (Dr. Doom) played it big; maybe DOOM is “big” in the comics, but it didn’t work on screen. Pipe down with the flapping arms; you can't fly and this aint the stage man!
T & A
It’s ladies night tonight where they get buffed up Michael Bailey-Smith, The Thing’s rubber peck and Reed’s stretched out leg…enjoy…
DIRECTING
Seriously, was there one key figure behind the camera or did random cast and crew take turns at manipulating it? The only scene that stood out in terms of style was the “initial accident” bit; the rest was blander than my writing at best.
SOUNDTRACK
Somebody smoked up, thought he was still in the 70’s and gave us a lousy rendition of them. What was this shit music all about?
BOTTOM LINE
Fantastic Four was so appalling on most levels that it wound up being a fun barrell of dead baboons! The ample “waving hands acting” by many, the ZERO production values, the cheesy effects, the inane dialogue, the knee slapping “emotional” moments and Jay Underwood’s beyond incredible display of scene killing all came together to deliver a beef jerking ride for all the wrong reasons. I was chuckling like a schoolgirl sniffing liquid glue off a big white eraser throughout (and I don't mean an eraser)! See it with beers, friends and a gun in tow (to shoot your TV and your friends when they won't leave your f*cking house)!

I can’t say that I have much hope in Tim Story’s upcoming rendition but I’ll check it out, it can’t be worse than this sad sack of sad. My only request is that there be a scene where Plastic Man tries to screw the Invisible Girl (while invisible) with his stretched out schlong from across the room. Now that would make for an interesting set piece! Clobber this... grain it, roll it, smoke it and puke it out in the toilet bowl!
BULL'S EYE
The flick was shot for about 1,500,000 $ clams.

This version of FF4 is one of top selling "bootlegs" of all time.
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