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ARROW IN THE HEAD REVIEWS

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The Fog (remake)(2005)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Rupert Wainwright

Starring:
Tom Welling/Nick Castle
Maggie Grace/Elizabeth
Selma Blair/Stevie
DeRay Davis/ Spooner
2 10
PLOT-CRUNCH
A fog filled with peeved CGI ghosts rolls in the fishing town of Antonio Bay to cause a ruckus and then….ZZzzzzzz.
THE LOWDOWN
I skipped on this shit sandwich last year in the name of not wasting an inch of my life on it and today under a moment of weakness (Captain Morgan was the name of that weakness...f*cking bastard!), I spotted it at my video store and said “why not”, lets see if it’s that bad. Sadly for me and the 4 bucks I WASTED on this utter crap, it was that bad plus taxes! How can anybody muck this up is beyond my minute intellect, but yet, they managed to do it anyways! 

John Carpenter’s THE FOG was a flawed yet well made little ghost story that I hold close to my dead beat heart. This remake could’ve bettered what was lacking in the original (isn’t that what a remake should do?) but instead it decided to try to be its “own film” and go its "own way" at all costs and the fee was “quality”. For me, this flick represented everything that's wrong with horror films today.  Lets see what we got here... how's a dull and shaky storyline that went nowhere so slowly that I had the time to jerk off three times (to lesbian porn no less) before anything substantial happened? How's that sound to ya? It takes more than a tacky and lazy “reincarnation” subplot, solely there for “exposition” purposes and a TEDIOUS investigation angle that took up the bulk of the film to make a fear inclined narrative compelling. I give shit about a chick having flashbacks, visiting libraries or asking questions to townsfolk’s for an hour, stop padding the clock and give me some scares already! Balls, beats, sense, momentum, gripping plot turns and frightening/nail biting fear sequences were NOWHERE in sight here.

And it didn't get much better when it came to the SEARS CATALOGUE characters and their connect the dot relationships.  Nothing was capitalized upon here, not the love triangle, not the rotting old dude (He's rotting yo, say something!), not the potentially horrific scenarios…NOTHING! The fact that we got a leading man so wooden that I felt like chopping him into pieces to build myself a camp fire didn't help matters either. Tom Welling’s pretty boy looks and low key nature might work for Smallville (a show that I actually dig) but they didn’t come close to making him remotely appealing in this film. And it has to be said: the token black guy thing is still kicking? I thought we we're done with that easy device! Not only did he stand out like a sore clit here (You see a lot of hip, trendy black guys in fishing towns?) but he couldn’t even be a token black guy that I could relate with. Any dude that would rather film two drunken girls with his dinky camera for hours on his boat as opposed to banging them silly in all of their orifices... doesn’t get my respect.  ARROW NOTE: How about having the white guy be funny and not take anything seriously and have the black guy be the stoic, take charge lead? How about that shit for a change? Its insulting at this point and I'm as white as snow!

The last spike in this one's head was the film's sad sack attempt at "horror". LMAO LAMO LAMO! Today's special is: limp boo/fake scares, yawn CGI ghosts and an over stylized atmosphere, that gave me Universal Studios Theme Park flashbacks. Come on! I'm a grown man here not a freaking toddler! It takes more than candy coated chills to scare me! Tag to that Stevie Wayne and the lighthouse not being used (what's the point then),  an ending that had me laughing my empty head silly and a knack at insulting the audience's intelligence constantly with the worse case of it having to do with a character that “should’ve died” but was saved by a damn freezer (Didn’t you know that sailor ghosts hate the cold?) and you get...guess...guess what you get...EXACTLY! What a joke! Granted, the flick looked slick in places, some of the shots were ambitious and I dug Selma Blair’s classy ode to Adrienne Barbeau via her endearing performance but all in all I’ve found lint in my pocket that was better rounded, scarier and more compelling than this hour and half fart. I should’ve stuck with my initial instinct and skipped this piece of dead weight…damn you Captain Morgan...DAMN YOU!

GORE
We get a “bloodless” knife in the eye and eyes sown shut…and this was the unrated version! BUGH!
ACTING
Tom Welling (Nick Castle) in this film= good looking and takes off his shirt…that’s it. Maggie Grace (Elizabeth) did fine with what she was given…not much. Selma Blair (Stevie) was the best of the lot, bringing charm, endearing attitude and strong chops to her nothing role. DeRay Davis (Spooner) was given the usual “token black guy role” and he did it well but I for one LOATHE that lazy screenwriting device of a role!
T & A
All about a shower scene with Welling and Grace that shows…NOTHING! Again and this was the unrated version…what was unrated in this cut anyways…the f*cking end credit scroll? NOTE: Maggie Grace looked good in that loose top…real good!
DIRECTING
We get some fly shots and sweet cinematography but where were the tension, pace, scares…a strong screenplay? Not here Taco!
SOUNDTRACK
I think that the score was decent but to be honest I was too busy cussing out loud at the screen to fully hear or remember it.
BOTTOM LINE
I’ll make this real easy for ya, THE FOG REMAKE BLEW! A toilet paper script + zero scares + non existent suspense + Tom Welling making for a bland big screen presence + ghosts that wouldn’t frighten my pet cat = CRACKER JACK HOLLYWOOD CRAP! Sure Selma Blair rocked and the flick looked slick but too bad nobody was home. Oh and one more thing, “token black guy that’s there to crack jokes and not take anything seriously in genre films” GET RID OF HIM ALREADY! PLAYED OUT…just like this review.
BULL'S EYE
Producer Debra Hill died shortly before filming began.

John Carpenter was producer on this The Fog remake.

VISIT THE OFFICIAL THE FOG SITE HERE

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