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And it didn't get much better when it came to the SEARS CATALOGUE characters and their connect the dot relationships.Â Nothing was capitalized upon here, not the love triangle, not the rotting old dude (He's rotting yo, say something!), not the potentially horrific scenariosâ€¦NOTHING! The fact that we got a leading man so wooden that I felt like chopping him into pieces to build myself a camp fire didn't help matters either. Tom Wellingâ€™s pretty boy looks and low key nature might work for Smallville (a show that I actually dig) but they didnâ€™t come close to making him remotely appealing in this film. And it has to be said: the token black guy thing is still kicking? I thought we we're done with that easy device! Not only did he stand out like a sore clit here (You see a lot of hip, trendy black guys in fishing towns?) but he couldnâ€™t even be a token black guy that I could relate with. Any dude that would rather film two drunken girls with his dinky camera for hours on his boat as opposed to banging them silly in all of their orifices... doesnâ€™t get my respect.Â ARROW NOTE: How about having the white guy be funny and not take anything seriously and have the black guy be the stoic, take charge lead? How about that shit for a change? Its insulting at this point and I'm as white as snow!
The last spike in this one's head was the film's sad sack attempt at "horror". LMAO LAMO LAMO! Today's special is: limp boo/fake scares, yawn CGI ghosts and an over stylized atmosphere, that gave me Universal Studios Theme Park flashbacks. Come on! I'm a grown man here not a freaking toddler! It takes more than candy coated chills to scare me! Tag to that Stevie Wayne and the lighthouse not being used (what's the point then),Â an ending that had me laughing my empty head silly and a knack at insulting the audience's intelligence constantly with the worse case of it having to do with a character that â€śshouldâ€™ve diedâ€ť but was saved by a damn freezer (Didnâ€™t you know that sailor ghosts hate the cold?) and you get...guess...guess what you get...EXACTLY! What a joke! Granted, the flick looked slick in places, some of the shots were ambitious and I dug Selma Blairâ€™s classy ode to Adrienne Barbeau via her endearing performance but all in all Iâ€™ve found lint in my pocket that was better rounded, scarier and more compelling than this hour and half fart. I shouldâ€™ve stuck with my initial instinct and skipped this piece of dead weightâ€¦damn you Captain Morgan...DAMN YOU!