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Movie Review: Viral
From the company that brought you horror tampons like The Stepfather remake and the When a Stranger Calls remake comes a new tale of blatant unoriginality, by the numbers blandness and castrated scares; THE ROOMMATE! Watch your back motherf*ckers or she will draw pictures of you and wear your dead sisterâ€™s necklaceâ€¦brrrâ€¦ !
Lots of folks are saying that this assembly line twat fest is the SINGLE WHITE FEMALE for this new generation; but now that I have endured it, I will humbly disagree. SINGLE WHITE FEMALE, although far from a perfect movie; actually went places after its set up; it took chances as it clocked forward and explored its themes with some depth. THE ROOMMATE on the other hand didnâ€™t do shit with anything apart from going from Point A to Point B to Point C while NEVER deviating from the thriller 101 mold and making sure to keep the violence nice and teeny-friendly throughout i.e. dryer than Meryl Streepâ€™s snatch. Itâ€™s movies like this that make me wish I had a 13 year old girl working on the site; cause not only am I not the target audience for this McGeneric waste of celluloid; Iâ€™m also sick and f*cking tired of having to watch these types of products. Like straight up; films like this are made for people who A- Are too young to have seen many movies. B- Donâ€™t watch movies period. And I am neither.
You guessed it cabrones! THE ROOMMATE did not thrill me, did not surprise me and did not involve me into its plane-Jane shenanigans deep enough for me to be in a good mood right now. I sat there in that theatre seat groaning, watching it in a detached manner; not giving a flying f*ck as to what was gonna happen. Why? Because I already knew what was GOING TO HAPPEN before this sorry excuse for a feature got to it. Sigh. And ya know what? Being that I wasted a good chunk of my Friday afternoon on this drivel already; I will make it short and sweet for this so called review. Hereâ€™s the dealio yo: Storyline? It was 1 â€śset to pop rock tunesâ€ť-2 â€śset to pop rock tunes â€“ 3 â€śset to pop rock tunes". Everything you think is going to go down will go down; the flick went beyond by the numbers...it WAS the damn numbers. And to make matters worse; it often had opportunities to up its game and its â€śthrillâ€ť quotient but avoided them like an STD ridden corpse, too punk ass to take a walk on the real dark side. The directing style? TV Movie anyone?. Apart from one dolly shot, a couple of music video-ish montages; it was point and shoot for the most part. Dull, dull, dull. It should be stabbed that Danish director Christian E. Christiansenâ€™s previous credit was a slew of episodes for the family oriented TV Show "Mikkel og guldkortet" (donâ€™t ask me what that means, I donâ€™t know or care)â€¦ you do the math.
Suspense? NONE. Boo scares? ONE. A cat? YES! A cat that is used as a tool to slyly affect the plot? Umm...not really. Its used for something though, I forgot what the point of it was though. Acting? It was all right. The camera loved Minka Kelly and she spewed her lines in a credible fashion. On his end, Cam Gigandet kept randomly popping into scenes to raise his eyebrows, show off his forehead lines by wrinkling them Luke Perry style and to "act" cool. He kind of reminded of a good looking version of Kramer from "Seinfeld" - pop in - do schtick - pop out. Yeah... his role could have been cut out of the story and nothing would have been affected. Leighton Meester was pretty much the only actress with a real part to sink her teeth into here and thankfully she was up to the task and gave a badass show. I bought her as the loon with the most and yeah she was sizzle grill hot as well. That quivering lower lip... yum. NOTE: Billy Zane was in the house, cashing that check and looking great doing it. How did he pull that off? Heâ€™s BILLY ZANE that's how! NOTE: Youâ€™re better than this Mr. Zane! Fire that Agent and get the parts you deserve!
Anything else to add? NO!
My next script will be about this then: After their house gets broken into, a young couple befriend a police officer that answered the call and showed up on the scene. He helps them install a security system, begins dropping by without notice and eventually develops a fixation on the man of the house. When the officer senses that he canâ€™t have him; he goes on to make the couple's life a living hell. Iâ€™d call it Back-Door Entry and it would star (if I had my pick of course) Ed Westwick as the psycho cop, Cam Gigandet as the object of desire and a token Hollywood sexpot of the week as the girlfriend (she has to look under 23 years old thoughâ€¦ no grandma in my film). You down Hollywood? Send a couple millions my way lets shoot this bitch!