ARROW IN THE HEAD REVIEWS

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The Roommate(2011)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Christian E. Christiansen

Starring:
Leighton Meester/Rebecca
Minka Kelly/Sara
Cam Gigandet/Stephen
Alyson Michalka/Tracy
4 10
PLOT-CRUNCH
Oh so f*ckable college student Sara (Minka Kelly) finds out the hard way that her new “bend over worthy” roommate (Leighton Meester) is a fruit cake obsessed with her. Wow, sounds like a couple of chicks I know…sigh…
THE LOWDOWN
WARNING: Leighton Meester and Minka Kelly did not make out in this movie. Leighton Meester tonsilsed hockey some other chica though.

WARNING 2: The shot in the trailer of Leighton Meester looming above Minka Kelly in bed was not in the movie.

From the company that brought you horror tampons like The Stepfather remake and the When a Stranger Calls remake comes a new tale of blatant unoriginality, by the numbers blandness and castrated scares; THE ROOMMATE! Watch your back motherf*ckers or she will draw pictures of you and wear your dead sister’s necklace…brrr… !

Lots of folks are saying that this assembly line twat fest is the SINGLE WHITE FEMALE for this new generation; but now that I have endured it, I will humbly disagree. SINGLE WHITE FEMALE, although far from a perfect movie; actually went places after its set up; it took chances as it clocked forward and explored its themes with some depth. THE ROOMMATE on the other hand didn’t do shit with anything apart from going from Point A to Point B to Point C while NEVER deviating from the thriller 101 mold and making sure to keep the violence nice and teeny-friendly throughout i.e. dryer than Meryl Streep’s snatch. It’s movies like this that make me wish I had a 13 year old girl working on the site; cause not only am I not the target audience for this McGeneric waste of celluloid; I’m also sick and f*cking tired of having to watch these types of products. Like straight up; films like this are made for people who A- Are too young to have seen many movies. B- Don’t watch movies period. And I am neither.

You guessed it cabrones! THE ROOMMATE did not thrill me, did not surprise me and did not involve me into its plane-Jane shenanigans deep enough for me to be in a good mood right now. I sat there in that theatre seat groaning, watching it in a detached manner; not giving a flying f*ck as to what was gonna happen. Why? Because I already knew what was GOING TO HAPPEN before this sorry excuse for a feature got to it. Sigh. And ya know what? Being that I wasted a good chunk of my Friday afternoon on this drivel already; I will make it short and sweet for this so called review. Here’s the dealio yo: Storyline? It was 1 “set to pop rock tunes”-2 “set to pop rock tunes – 3 “set to pop rock tunes". Everything you think is going to go down will go down; the flick went beyond by the numbers...it WAS the damn numbers. And to make matters worse; it often had opportunities to up its game and its “thrill” quotient but avoided them like an STD ridden corpse, too punk ass to take a walk on the real dark side. The directing style? TV Movie anyone?. Apart from one dolly shot, a couple of music video-ish montages; it was point and shoot for the most part. Dull, dull, dull. It should be stabbed that Danish director Christian E. Christiansen’s previous credit was a slew of episodes for the family oriented TV Show "Mikkel og guldkortet" (don’t ask me what that means, I don’t know or care)… you do the math.

Suspense? NONE. Boo scares? ONE. A cat? YES! A cat that is used as a tool to slyly affect the plot? Umm...not really. Its used for something though, I forgot what the point of it was though. Acting? It was all right. The camera loved Minka Kelly and she spewed her lines in a credible fashion. On his end, Cam Gigandet kept randomly popping into scenes to raise his eyebrows, show off his forehead lines by wrinkling them Luke Perry style and to "act" cool. He kind of reminded of a good looking version of Kramer from "Seinfeld" - pop in - do schtick - pop out. Yeah... his role could have been cut out of the story and nothing would have been affected. Leighton Meester  was pretty much the only actress with a real part to sink her teeth into here and thankfully she was up to the task and gave a badass show. I bought her as the loon with the most and yeah she was sizzle grill hot as well. That quivering lower lip... yum. NOTE: Billy Zane was in the house, cashing that check and looking great doing it. How did he pull that off? He’s BILLY ZANE that's how! NOTE: You’re better than this Mr. Zane! Fire that Agent and get the parts you deserve!

Anything else to add? NO!

GORE
Light blood and lots of off-screen shite. Even my mom would complain about the lack of onscreen brutality and she hates violence.
T & A
We get a close up of a girl’s belly…ummm… wait… am blowing a load right now…ga ga ga…. ARRRRGGGGG YA F*CCCCCCK! Get out of my house.
BOTTOM LINE
The pace was easy, chain of events simpleton friendly and Leighton Meester owned it but other than that; save your dough! THE ROOMMATE put the term "generic" to shame! If you watch the trailer you’ve seen the damn movie! Even paced and banal; this beeyatch had no soul, no guts, no scares, no suspense, no depth, no thrills and no balls i.e. a thriller for little girls and pussies. SINGLE WHITE FEMALE for a new generation this was NOT; at least that flick went somewhere with its narrative; THE ROOMMATE just slept walked through the motions, as if on auto pilot and never ventured beyond the surface. If you’ve never watched a thriller in your life; this one is for you! On the flip side; I am feeling kind of inspired right now. So this is the kind of script that gets sold and produced in Hollywood hey? Okay!

My next script will be about this then: After their house gets broken into, a young couple befriend a police officer that answered the call and showed up on the scene. He helps them install a security system, begins dropping by without notice and eventually develops a fixation on the man of the house. When the officer senses that he can’t have him; he goes on to make the couple's life a living hell. I’d call it Back-Door Entry and it would star (if I had my pick of course) Ed Westwick as the psycho cop, Cam Gigandet as the object of desire and a token Hollywood sexpot of the week as the girlfriend (she has to look under 23 years old though… no grandma in my film). You down Hollywood? Send a couple millions my way lets shoot this bitch!

BULL'S EYE
The film was shot in Los Angeles, California, USA.

Leighton Meester is better known for her role of Blair Waldor from the popular TV show "Gossip Girl" (never watched it).

Minka Kelly was born on June 24, 1980. Wow, she looks so much younger than her age!
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