ARROW IN THE HEAD REVIEWS

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The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: David Slade

Starring:
Robert Pattinson/Edward
Kristen Stewart/Bella
Xavier Samuel/Riley
Bryce Dallas Howard/Victoria
PLOT-CRUNCH
Edward (Pattinson) and Bella (Stewart) keep rambling on about getting married. Jacob (Launtner) won’t stop cock blocking Ed and some new born vamp army are killing peeps and coming for Bella’s head but the flick didn’t focus on that much...so who gives a crack-whores ass! Kill me now man…ENOUGH!
THE LOWDOWN
All right I got to get this review out of the way so I can watch the second half of MAGNUM FORCE. I joked today that I would need it to cleanse the filth that ECLIPSE would leave me with. I guess it wasn’t a joke after all, because I really feel like I necessitate some Eastwood loving to wash this crap off my grey matter. Now here’s where I'm coming from: thought the first Twilight was “okay” for what it was, New Moon blew Panda dongs and looked forward to Eclipse fixing the problems New Moon had (yes they were shot back to back but there’s always editing). And with David Slade at the helm, hey, I at least expected it to capitalize on it horror elements further. Hope, hope, hope…LET DOWN! To everybody that told me that Eclipse is the best of the bunch, I want some of what you were smoking, cause I could’ve used it at this screening.

ECLIPSE played the same game NEW MOON did; put out exposition for dummies and dwell ENDLESSLY on this so called love triangle that makes ZERO LOGICAL SENSE to me and that was out of juice by the end of the last film. So yeah look forward to lots of Edward: “Marry me”. - Bella: “Yes but…”. - Jake: “I love you Bella be with me”. - Bella: “I love you too Jake, but I love Edward more… I think… kiss me, I’m a two timing, emotionally dependent tramp”. You dig that shit? HAVE A BLAST! You’ll get two hours of it. Me? I wanted to my blow brains out onto my theatre seat, I've had my fill of that drivel! New Moon had more of a story than this one and that's not saying much. Granted we had a subplot about that forever running in the woods red head vamp Victoria (now played by a mugging for the camera Bryce Dallas Howard) hanging around (get a life girl) and some pussy ass vampire army being assembled (for a Calvin Klein ad perhaps?), but the flick didn’t focus on that enough or capitalize on the ammo it had for it to make a dent in the narrative or lack of. That subplot should have been the plot and all that surfaced lovey shit should’ve been the subplot. Yup, in light of everything Bella has been through with werewolves and vampires…its hard for me to swallow her silly "should I do this, should I do that" teen angst …grow up already! You should be over this by now! But that’s just me.

Visually, a couple of fly angles, sweet aerial shots and cool bullet time tricks (during the action when there was some) aside, this was as point and shoot as you can get. I didn’t see David Slade here, I saw a dude cashing a pay check. Hey we all need money, so I hope it was worth it because after the strong Hard Candy and 30 Days of Night, this is a blemish on the man’s track record. On the upside, at least I got lots of giggle out of the film and that was worth “something”. The dialogue was atrocious, often puke inducing, sometimes belly laugh provoking. Jacob showing up shirtless became a joke (thankfully the flick was smart enough to recognize that and chimed in) and the fact that the rest of the Wolf Pack dudes were out of shape had me in stitches. What happened between New Moon and Eclipse boys? New Moon coin and BUDWEISER that’s what happened. The shitty CGI (them werewolves man…embarrassing) and obvious green screen had me rolling as well, nice to see that with all that dough, they didn’t up the ante on the effects. Oh and that key scene in the tent with Bella, Edward and Jacob dragged tears out of my eyes for two reasons. 1- Thermal clothing guys, useful when you bring a dame up on a freezing cold mountain. 2- Edward and Jacob almost got it on “Brokeback Vampires” style in my book. Isn’t it what this franchise is really about at this point? Why else would they put up with Bella’s bullshit for so long? It keeps them tied together! Just joshing...well...kind of...

Any valid positives? The score by Howard Shore was pretty tight when used and so were the random Pop Rock songs. The main cast did what they could with what they were given (Stewart, Pattinson and Lautner were decent, they made the inane lines they had to spit almost sound organic) but the secondary cast somewhat became more interesting than the leads for me. Jasper (tackled by the usually cool Jackson Rathbone) didn’t look like he was passing corn on the cob sticks out of his ass anymore (as he did in the last two films). The flick also gave him (and the talented Nikki Reed) more to do. Yeah, I dug them origins flashbacks. Same went for the rest of the cast tackling the Cullen clan (Ashley Green so owned it); they were mucho endearing. I esteemed that the film promoted good values for young teenage girls too. Yup am talking about sexual abstinence, kind of refreshing when all the Miley Cyrus and Keshas of the world are pushing being shameless sluts as "trendy". Other than that though... zilch. The father (Billy Burke) was still a clueless moron (This dude is a cop? No wonder the town is going to shit… open your eyes man!) and all the men were ball-less, emotional punching bags. Hey, a man can be sensitive and romantic while still retaining the essence of what it is that makes a man a man. I wouldn’t know by this movie. Its not just vampires and werewolves being pussyfied here, its MEN in general. Pathetic. Finally, I got say it, the Voltari vamp band – not including the able Dakota Fanning, were a laughable bunch. Either cast better suited actors, as opposed to a bunch of femmy dudes who would look more comfortable cleaning up my kitchen with tooth brushes than being vampire Lords or get rid of them all together. These peeps are “in control”? Please… they couldn’t control clipping my toe nails…

Look I’m all for giving a franchise a chance and I did. But they crossed the line with ECLIPSE. They insulted what’s left of my intelligence at such a level that I don’t know what to say anymore. So I’ll end with this: f*ck this written on a napkin, impotent and all syrup no meat movie that’s really about NOTHING. What a waste…
GORE
Light blood, snapped necks and I just learned that when a vamp limb is ripped off, it breaks like concrete…urg…
T & A
Nothing for me! NEXT!
BOTTOM LINE
ECLIPSE was marmalade trash that was incapable or unwilling to capitalize on its potential – best way I can put it. I didn’t loathe ECLIPSE cause I don’t have a romantic bone in my body (I do) or cause I’m not the target audience; I reviled it cause it was a lazily written, uninspired and flimsy movie about vacuous air. Googly eyes, pussy whipped dudes and a chick that tries to get her cock and eat it too with SOME vampire/werewolf spices sprinkled about...and I stress the word “SOME”. That's it? That's a movie? Other than unintentional laughs, strong leads who did what they could with the GARBAGE they were given and the peeps playing the Cullens shining. this sucka was utterly POINTLESS. Maybe if they bring back Catherine Hardwicke (she did the best one) the franchise may have a shot but alas, I doubt that will happen. Two more years, two more "stretch out fluff as much as we can and call it a story" Twilight films to go. Happy this one is out of the way. Time for MAGNUM FORCE!
BULL'S EYE
Tom Felton and Channing Tatum were both up for the role of Riley.

Director David Slade originally dissed the Twilight series, saying he that he wouldn't go near it. Soon after he took the gig and then said it was a joke...ummm...okay...

The flick was shot in Vancouver, BC, like the other films.
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4:59PM on 07/29/2010

INTERESTING...

I know this will probably never, ever happen, but at least a few people have seriously (?) suggested that Roman Polanski would be the right person to direct the fourth installment.

[link]
I know this will probably never, ever happen, but at least a few people have seriously (?) suggested that Roman Polanski would be the right person to direct the fourth installment.

[link]
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6:29PM on 07/28/2010

Abuse equals love, apparently

I don't know how you can call a guy who abuses his girlfriend "whipped." Edward is a creepy, stalking, controlling, abusive jerk. Jacob also- I guess they made the kiss consensual in the movie, but he forced it on her in the book. Both are abusive assholes.

Bella is a brainless idiot who thinks it's totally romantic that two guys are abusing her...so I don't know how you can even remotely say that this promotes any kind of good values for girls. It's not even Bella's idea to be
I don't know how you can call a guy who abuses his girlfriend "whipped." Edward is a creepy, stalking, controlling, abusive jerk. Jacob also- I guess they made the kiss consensual in the movie, but he forced it on her in the book. Both are abusive assholes.

Bella is a brainless idiot who thinks it's totally romantic that two guys are abusing her...so I don't know how you can even remotely say that this promotes any kind of good values for girls. It's not even Bella's idea to be abstinent...it's Edward's idea, and she constantly begs him for sex.

And what's wrong with being a shameless slut, anyways? What if you're not doing it to be trendy, but because you like sex? But no, let's go back to the days when women were SHAMED for expressing their sexuality.
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3:44PM on 07/14/2010

Eh

Eh, it was alright. I did think it was the best of the three but it's not really saying much. These movies aren't for me in any way imaginable but my wife loves them ... so I went to see it.

Still hate Bella, can't stand Edward and I only like Jacob some because he's a wolf. Don't get what he'd see in Bella ... dude should just move to Miami and find a muchacha with some color in a bikini.
Eh, it was alright. I did think it was the best of the three but it's not really saying much. These movies aren't for me in any way imaginable but my wife loves them ... so I went to see it.

Still hate Bella, can't stand Edward and I only like Jacob some because he's a wolf. Don't get what he'd see in Bella ... dude should just move to Miami and find a muchacha with some color in a bikini.
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10:34AM on 07/13/2010

Why bother?

Why do horror sites even BOTHER reviewing these movies? They are NOT horror films--they are teen romantic dramas. All the horrorgeeks have their movies (a ton, actually), let the teens have a couple of movies, too. I did not care for Twilight, thought New Moon was a snoozer, but I did not go into them hoping for horror, I thought I might find an interesting romance. Not so unfortunately. However, they shouldn't even be referenced on these websites! Again, they are not horror--stop
Why do horror sites even BOTHER reviewing these movies? They are NOT horror films--they are teen romantic dramas. All the horrorgeeks have their movies (a ton, actually), let the teens have a couple of movies, too. I did not care for Twilight, thought New Moon was a snoozer, but I did not go into them hoping for horror, I thought I might find an interesting romance. Not so unfortunately. However, they shouldn't even be referenced on these websites! Again, they are not horror--stop reviewing them as horror! Find actual horror movies to hate.
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3:13AM on 07/03/2010

meh it was alright I guess

personally I'm that guy who looks at the girl wearing the team edward shirt and then looks at the girl wearing the team jacob shirt and really wish to myself they had a team I don't give a shit shirt or a team I wish these guys would both grow a pair and see what a wet rag their fighting over shirt. BUT with that said I'm also the guy who HATED the first Twilight movie (I actually fell asleep during some scene when Edward and Bella were talking endlessly in the woods) and I had no intention of
personally I'm that guy who looks at the girl wearing the team edward shirt and then looks at the girl wearing the team jacob shirt and really wish to myself they had a team I don't give a shit shirt or a team I wish these guys would both grow a pair and see what a wet rag their fighting over shirt. BUT with that said I'm also the guy who HATED the first Twilight movie (I actually fell asleep during some scene when Edward and Bella were talking endlessly in the woods) and I had no intention of ever watching New moon let alone Eclipse but alas, my gf talked me into a triple feature at the drive in wednesday night with New moon, Eclipse and the only reason I went...was cause the last feature was Splice which I wanted to see! New moon had me rolling my eyes during all the "your the reason I keep living" gagging bullshit between edward and bella but I found Jacob rather interesting (probably cause I'm big on wolves and wolf packs etc.) but he just seemed more relatable...till he fell for bella too. I don't get wtf they see in her but whatever. So ya new moon came to a close and I went ya ok, better than the first thats for sure. Then came ecplise. With what I had heard about how dark and violent this was supposed to be...I kinda had my hopes up for redemption, and it didn't really happen. As arrow said it was more of the same really from new moon. The edward bella shit still had me rolling my eyes and I still kinda dug jacob's character and background. But really it was just kinda so so for me. My fav part was the tent scene but mainly cause of the line when Edward says something like if this were different I might like you Jacob and Jacob goes yeah if this was different....nah I still wouldn't like you! I lol'd and yelled BURN at that one but anyways. so ya my opinion is meh, it's alright. Not half as bad as arrow is saying but thats just my opinion....oh and screw off insulting star wars stayingfrosty grrr
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9:49PM on 07/01/2010

@ The Arrow

Ohhh i was wondering what happened to Shepis' collumn.
Shame! I loved it. I got great laughs out of her responses and by rule of thumb I mucho dig the chick.
Ohhh i was wondering what happened to Shepis' collumn.
Shame! I loved it. I got great laughs out of her responses and by rule of thumb I mucho dig the chick.
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2:42PM on 07/01/2010
If Stay Frosty is serious about his thoughts, good for him, its his opinion and this review is mine, I cried when it was over too Frosty, cried cause I was free of this drivel. I actually went in wanting to dig it, hoping that Slade would up the game, hoping I wouldn't have to endure the same torture as I did via New Moon...didn't happen. And Shepis' column was nixed out, not cause of Frosty's whining, just cause we had to do cut backs on the site.
If Stay Frosty is serious about his thoughts, good for him, its his opinion and this review is mine, I cried when it was over too Frosty, cried cause I was free of this drivel. I actually went in wanting to dig it, hoping that Slade would up the game, hoping I wouldn't have to endure the same torture as I did via New Moon...didn't happen. And Shepis' column was nixed out, not cause of Frosty's whining, just cause we had to do cut backs on the site.
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12:18AM on 07/01/2010

Oy

@GreenmanDick
Unfortunately, Staying Frosty is probably 100% serious. This is the same doucher that whined and complained till he was blue in the face about Tiffany Sheppis' tongue-in-cheek "Ask a Scream Queen" columns - WHICH by the way, disappeared not long after. If his comment was written in jest, then props to him - "deadpan" is hard enough to pick up on in text...but if he IS serious...and I tend to fear "the lamest" from this character...then he definitely needs a new, SOFTER "horror"
@GreenmanDick
Unfortunately, Staying Frosty is probably 100% serious. This is the same doucher that whined and complained till he was blue in the face about Tiffany Sheppis' tongue-in-cheek "Ask a Scream Queen" columns - WHICH by the way, disappeared not long after. If his comment was written in jest, then props to him - "deadpan" is hard enough to pick up on in text...but if he IS serious...and I tend to fear "the lamest" from this character...then he definitely needs a new, SOFTER "horror" site to troll around because he's definitely on the wrong side of the genre border. Sorry, "Twilight" blows. But hey, if it'll make you feel better, I'm sure The Family Channel is airing another "Bring It On-a-Thon" this weekend!
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5:31PM on 06/30/2010

hahahahaa

@stayingfrosty, you cant be serious!
@stayingfrosty, you cant be serious!
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4:02PM on 06/30/2010

Figures

Typical hater. Eclipse was awesome. I cried when it was over. FINALLY I said to myself "maybe the world will finally understand the true power of Twilight". But, reading reviews like this, it shows that you go into these films wanting to hate them. I think if you knew nothing of Twilight, and you saw them for the first time, you would declare them the best films ever made. Shit like the Godfather, Star Wars, Citizen Kane, FAIL to capture what Twilight has captured. I feel bad for you
Typical hater. Eclipse was awesome. I cried when it was over. FINALLY I said to myself "maybe the world will finally understand the true power of Twilight". But, reading reviews like this, it shows that you go into these films wanting to hate them. I think if you knew nothing of Twilight, and you saw them for the first time, you would declare them the best films ever made. Shit like the Godfather, Star Wars, Citizen Kane, FAIL to capture what Twilight has captured. I feel bad for you guys, I truely do. Not liking Twilight, is like not finding true love. My sympathies...
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3:54PM on 06/29/2010

Hahha, awesome

One of your best reviews, ahha. I wouldn't watch this tripe unless I was guaranteed to be face down in between Megan Fox's legs afterwards.
One of your best reviews, ahha. I wouldn't watch this tripe unless I was guaranteed to be face down in between Megan Fox's legs afterwards.
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