The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)
Director: David Slade
Bryce Dallas Howard/Victoria
Edward (Pattinson) and Bella (Stewart) keep rambling on about getting married. Jacob (Launtner) won’t stop cock blocking Ed and some new born vamp army are killing peeps and coming for Bella’s head but the flick didn’t focus on that much...so who gives a crack-whores ass! Kill me now man…ENOUGH!
All right I got to get this review out of the way so I can watch the second half of MAGNUM
FORCE. I joked today that I would need it to cleanse the filth that ECLIPSE would leave me with. I guess it wasn’t a joke after all, because I really feel like I necessitate some Eastwood
loving to wash this crap off my grey matter. Now here’s where I'm coming from: thought the first Twilight was “okay” for what it was, New Moon blew Panda dongs and looked forward to Eclipse fixing the problems New Moon had (yes they were shot back to back but there’s always editing). And with David Slade at the helm, hey, I at least expected it to capitalize on it horror elements further. Hope, hope, hope…LET DOWN! To everybody that told me that Eclipse is the best of the bunch, I want some of what you were smoking, cause I could’ve used it at this screening.
ECLIPSE played the same game NEW MOON did; put out exposition for dummies and dwell ENDLESSLY on this so called love triangle that makes ZERO LOGICAL SENSE to me and that was out of juice
by the end of the last film. So yeah look forward to lots of Edward: “Marry me”. - Bella: “Yes but…”.
- Jake: “I love you Bella be with me”. - Bella: “I love you too Jake, but I love Edward more… I think… kiss me, I’m a two timing, emotionally dependent tramp”. You dig that shit? HAVE A BLAST! You’ll get two hours of it. Me? I wanted to my blow brains out
onto my theatre seat, I've had my fill of that drivel! New Moon had more of a
story than this one and that's not saying much. Granted we had a subplot about that forever running in the woods red head
vamp Victoria (now played by a mugging for the camera Bryce Dallas Howard) hanging around (get a life girl) and some pussy ass vampire army being assembled (for a Calvin Klein ad perhaps?), but the flick didn’t focus on that enough or capitalize on the ammo it had for it to make a dent in the narrative or lack of. That subplot should have been the plot and all that
surfaced lovey shit should’ve been the subplot. Yup, in light of everything Bella has been through with werewolves and vampires…its hard for me to swallow her silly "should I do this, should I do that" teen angst …grow up already! You should be over this by now! But that’s just me.
Visually, a couple of fly angles, sweet aerial shots and cool bullet time tricks (during the action when there was some)
aside, this was as point and shoot as you can get. I didn’t see David Slade
here, I saw a dude cashing a pay check. Hey we all need money, so I hope it was
worth it because after the strong Hard Candy and 30 Days of Night, this is a
blemish on the man’s track record. On the upside, at least I got lots of giggle out of
the film and that was worth “something”. The dialogue was atrocious, often puke
inducing, sometimes belly laugh provoking. Jacob showing up shirtless became a
joke (thankfully the flick was smart enough to recognize that and chimed in) and
the fact that the rest of the Wolf Pack dudes were out of shape had me in
stitches. What happened between New Moon and Eclipse boys? New Moon coin and
BUDWEISER that’s what happened. The shitty CGI (them werewolves
man…embarrassing) and obvious green screen had me rolling as well, nice to
see that with all that dough, they didn’t up the ante on the effects. Oh and
that key scene in the tent with Bella, Edward
and Jacob dragged tears out of my eyes for two reasons. 1- Thermal clothing guys,
useful when you bring a dame up on a freezing cold mountain. 2- Edward and Jacob
almost got it on “Brokeback Vampires” style in my book. Isn’t it what this
franchise is really about at this point? Why else would they put up with Bella’s
bullshit for so long? It keeps them tied together! Just joshing...well...kind of...
Any valid positives? The score by Howard Shore was pretty tight when used and so were the random Pop Rock songs. The main cast did what they could with what they were given (Stewart, Pattinson and Lautner were decent, they made the inane lines they had to spit almost sound organic) but the secondary cast somewhat became more interesting than the
leads for me. Jasper (tackled by the usually cool Jackson Rathbone) didn’t look like he was passing corn on the cob sticks out of his ass
anymore (as he did in the last two films). The flick also gave him (and the talented Nikki Reed) more to do.
Yeah, I dug them origins flashbacks. Same went for the rest of the cast tackling the Cullen clan (Ashley Green so owned it); they were mucho endearing. I esteemed that the film promoted good values for young teenage girls
too. Yup am talking about sexual abstinence, kind of refreshing when all the Miley Cyrus and Keshas of the world are pushing being shameless sluts
as "trendy". Other than that though... zilch. The father (Billy Burke) was still a clueless moron (This dude is a cop? No wonder the town is going to shit… open your eyes man!) and all the men were ball-less, emotional punching bags. Hey, a man can be sensitive and romantic while still retaining the essence of what it is that makes a man a man. I wouldn’t know by this movie. Its not just vampires and werewolves being pussyfied here, its MEN in general. Pathetic. Finally, I got say it, the Voltari vamp band – not including the able Dakota Fanning,
were a laughable bunch. Either cast better suited actors, as opposed to a bunch of femmy dudes who would look more comfortable cleaning
up my kitchen with tooth brushes than being vampire Lords or get rid of them all together. These peeps are “in control”? Please… they couldn’t control clipping my toe nails…
Look I’m all for giving a franchise a chance and I did. But they crossed the line with ECLIPSE. They insulted what’s left of my intelligence at such a level that I don’t know what to say anymore. So I’ll end with this: f*ck this written on a napkin, impotent and
all syrup no meat movie that’s really about NOTHING. What a waste…
Light blood, snapped necks and I just learned that when a vamp limb is ripped off, it breaks like concrete…urg…
T & A
Nothing for me! NEXT!
ECLIPSE was marmalade trash that was incapable or unwilling to capitalize on its potential – best way I can put it. I didn’t loathe ECLIPSE cause I don’t have a romantic bone in my body (I do) or cause I’m not the target audience; I reviled it cause it was a lazily written, uninspired and flimsy movie about vacuous air. Googly eyes, pussy whipped dudes and a chick that tries to get her cock and eat it too with SOME vampire/werewolf spices sprinkled about...and I stress the word “SOME”. That's it? That's a movie? Other than unintentional laughs, strong leads who did what they could with the GARBAGE they were given and the peeps playing the Cullens shining. this sucka was utterly POINTLESS. Maybe if they bring back Catherine Hardwicke (she did the best one) the franchise may have a shot but alas, I doubt that will happen. Two more years, two more "stretch out fluff as much as we can and call it a story" Twilight films to go. Happy this one is out of the way. Time for MAGNUM FORCE!
Tom Felton and Channing Tatum were both up for the role of Riley.
Director David Slade originally dissed the Twilight series, saying he that he wouldn't go near it. Soon after he took the gig and then said it was a joke...ummm...okay...
The flick was shot in Vancouver, BC, like the other films.