ARROW IN THE HEAD REVIEWS

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Transformers (2007)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Michael Bay

Starring:
Shia LaBeouf/Sam
Megan Fox/Mikaela
Josh Duhamel/Sergeant Lennox
Tyrese Gibson/Sergeant Epps
PLOT-CRUNCH
The totally righteous Autobots and the malevolent Decepticons hit earth in search some 'life giving" cube (low rent version of The Matrix of Leadership from the show) and wind up waging a private war in our streets. More than meets the eye baby!
THE LOWDOWN

Are we talking about... invasion? - Keller

I’m a huge TRANSFORMERS fan! I grew up with the show, played with the toys and saw the animated flick in the theatres. I’m actually listening to “Instrument of Destruction” by NRG off the cartoon movie soundtrack as I write this review (great f*cking song). Hence, no summer movie was more anticipated by this twat than Michael "wam bam" Bay’s live action rendition of it. How did it pan out? Did the film meet my expectations? Did it do the grand cartoon that was The Transformers justice? Well yes and no.

I’ll begin with the good stuff. First off; I LOVE Transformers hence it wasn't too hard for me to get my jockeys in a bunch while seeing them do their thing LIVE! Yes, many o fanboy woodies were popped and wide smiles carved into my face during this sit down. Moreover, I personally never understood why Michael Bay gets such a whooping by the movie fanboys of the world as I dare you to find anybody that knows how to shoot large scale action, kabooms, hot babes, fancy cars and military gear in more awe inspiring ways than him. For me, as long as the Bay Man sticks to what he does best (action) and stops trying to be more than what he is (Pearl Harbor); I’m all good with him. He’s one of the top visual stylists on the block if you ask me or the python in my khakis. Thankfully TRANSFORMERS was no exception as the film served up eye popping action set pieces that sent a rush of blood to my two heads. Polished cinematography, potent use of slow motion, elaborate staging and badass execution; the action bits here rocked my cock clean out! CLEAN! And the same went for the astounding CGI (created by the genius’ at Industrial Light and Magic,) at play. Although I don’t believe in them thieves Santa Claus and the Toothfairy, I am now convinced that giant robots that transform into vehicles walk among us. The flick nailed it and then some! INCREDIBLE!

From a Transformers fan point of view; I dug the nods to the show (the “transforming” sound was dope) and they got Optimus Prime right (Thank Unicron they got Peter Cullen to do the voice). Bumble Bee, Ratchet, Jazz and Ironhide were solely hinted at personality wise while Megatron; although way different than in the cartoon, still emanated the right vibe (Frank Welker who did the voice in the comic should’ve done it here too, it would’ve brought the part home for me). Other than that; most of the Bots were interchangeable and fairly underdeveloped. Starscream being delegated to being just another lackey was a damn shame and wasting Devastator on a simple construction truck when he’s 6 trucks assembled into one mammoth being in the comics was a travesty. I guess there’s always the Stunticons (cars who also unite into a big ass bot)… hope they make it in the sequel and are executed the right way. Wait a minute; I’m losing my bearings here…I’ll stop right here in terms of comparing the movie to the comic. Bay did what he did with his version of it. He missed a lot of swell opportunities; that were already drawn out for him via the show… but what can you do… so be it. I actually didn't dwell on the differences whilts watching the flick.

Therefore as an entity on its own, Transformers lost many of my points due to its tepid screenplay. I mean this aint brain surgery; good robots on one side, bad robots on the other and kid/overly tanned broad in the middle. Alas the script couldn’t pull that off. It was a disjointed doggy bag of ideas that was tossed in the air and never fell to the ground. The story was all over the place (creating pacing issues) and it didn’t delve deep enough in what it established for me to give a damn. Instead of wasting precious screen time on some dweeb hackers, a lamo Section 7 subplot (with a painfully over the top John Turtorro… bugh) or/and people trying to decipher mysteries that were already solved for us; the flick should’ve focused on developing its robots, its humans, their relationships and their individual personas. Sadly that didn’t go down much.

Same went for the ever changing tone of the piece. One moment it was played straight, than like the cartoon and then like a goofy Will Smith flick; with crappy, infantile humor popping in (Anthony Anderson had no business here). Talk about pissing on my parade. And don’t even get me started on the lapses in logic even within this illogical premise. Actually…too late… I started. Nobody spots giant robots hanging around a suburban house set in a busy neighborhood? Robots wage war on a downtown street corner and the entire army isn’t deployed? Shia LaBeouf snags a chick as hot as Megan Fox? PLEASE! But I let all that go in the name of enjoying myself and in all honesty it wasn’t too hard to do cause the eye candy was…MUCHO TASTY!

In the end; I enjoyed this jamboree of wow(s) and kaboom(s) even with its gaping screenplay flaws in tow. Lets face it, you can't get much better in the vacuous Pop-Corn fun department! Shia Lebeouf proved to be a likeable lead, Megan Fox’s belly (aka the 8Th marvel of the world) owned the scenery and the last half hour of the film whipped some serious ass in its outlandish bombardment of physical get downs. Hopefully Transformers will do well at the Box office and give way to a sequel; one that will sport a real script to back up its exquisite audio/visual goodies. Time will tell. Till then….Arrowheads! Transform and whore out!
GORE
Does a robot torn in half by another robot count as gore? How about a quick fix of a dude impaled by a pointy robot tail? Not to me but you be the judge…
ACTING
I’ve dug Shia LaBeouf (Sam) since I saw his cha-cha in Disturbia. The kid is natural and here he took fairly nutty situations and made me believe in them via his solid display. Props! Megan Fox (Mikaela) stood around, looked pretty, showed off her yummy belly and her deep rooted tan. GREAT PERFORMANCE! Josh Duhamel (Sergeant Lennox) took a flimsily written part and made it memorable with his charisma and honest show. Tyrese Gibson (Sergeant Epps) did what he had to do i.e. stand around in a tight, bicep flattering t-shirt. Jon Voight (John Keller) excels at these types of roles and he aced it again here. I usually love John Turturro (Agent Simmons) but here his performance felt like it was in the wrong film. This isn’t The Big Lebowski Part 2 yo!
T & A
You know what? I’ll take 5 Megan Fox tanned and flat belly shots over a clean tit shot any day. You see that stomach? God hit perfection when he made that one. Hook me up!
DIRECTING
Bay is a master at staging intricate action set pieces and executing them with testosterone fueled pizzazz and he outdid himself here in that department. I was floored! If only he had a real script to work off... if only...
SOUNDTRACK
We get an able score that often sounded like the Batman Begins soundtrack. Efficient.
BOTTOM LINE
TRANSFORMERS ruined aluminum ass when it came to slick visuals; bamboozling CGI and visceral action sequences. It didn’t fare as well when it came to its relationships or the exploration of its humans/robots. I know it’s a movie about giant robots; who needs layered characters right? I agree. But this film went about addressing them….it just did it in a clumsy fashion. If you’re going to do something, do it right or not at all. And the whole sunk even lower when it came to its unraveling of events. Unfocused and too busy for its own good, it should’ve spent less time on tossing useless subplots/comic scenarios my way and more time on the core of it all; its protagonists and its metal beings… ALL I NEEDED MAN! The out of this world action scenes, the nostalgia factor, the random faithful nods to the cartoon and the insane special effects saved this one for me. Blinding and deafening flash... limp wrist meat. Happy 4th of July!
BULL'S EYE
Was it me or we didn’t see Decepticon logos on the bad robots?

Bay deemed that Frank Welker's (original voice of Megatron) voice had aged too much so he didn't get to reprise his role of Megatron. Hugo Weaving did the role instead.

The character of Sam Witwicky is of course a take on Spike Witwicky from the cartoon.

VISIT THE OFFICIAL TRANSFORMERS SITE HERE

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4:22PM on 07/28/2007

good, not great

The movie wasn't bad, but it could have been better!

I have to agree that I did not find the part with bumble bee pissing on that guy to be amusing. And it really iritated the shit outta me the way they had Optimus Prime being this clumsy "woopsy daisy" goof of a robot! But other than those things (and how crappy starscream looked....) I liked the movie alot.
It had alot of potential and really rocked the theater I was in with all the explosions and FX work. I thought it was cool how they
The movie wasn't bad, but it could have been better!

I have to agree that I did not find the part with bumble bee pissing on that guy to be amusing. And it really iritated the shit outta me the way they had Optimus Prime being this clumsy "woopsy daisy" goof of a robot! But other than those things (and how crappy starscream looked....) I liked the movie alot.
It had alot of potential and really rocked the theater I was in with all the explosions and FX work. I thought it was cool how they killed off Jazz just like they did in the original movie too. And how they did it was brutal but cool....just wish they had put a little more drama into that part cause it happend so fast I almost missed it. Anyway kick ass movie, great summer block buster and good date flick lol
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3:17PM on 07/13/2007

Dumb.

This movie was dumb. And I mean that in the purest sense of the word. I can't believe I was actually bored by a flick about giant, fighting robots. I grew up with Transformers, but I can safely say that my view of the film was not at all tainted by my childhood memories. This movie was just flat-out dumb.

My biggest problems stemmed from the fact that the movie's changes in humor and tone were incredibly jarring. One second we're worried about giant robots attacking a military base, the
This movie was dumb. And I mean that in the purest sense of the word. I can't believe I was actually bored by a flick about giant, fighting robots. I grew up with Transformers, but I can safely say that my view of the film was not at all tainted by my childhood memories. This movie was just flat-out dumb.

My biggest problems stemmed from the fact that the movie's changes in humor and tone were incredibly jarring. One second we're worried about giant robots attacking a military base, the next we're talking about Shia LeBeouf's masturbatory practices, the next we're afraid that Optimus Prime (the noblest and strongest Autobot in the galaxy) will step on a bed of flowers. What...the....fuck?!

Add to that the fact that ol' Primey actually uttered the words, "My bad" and one of the robots (i was sleeping by this point so i don't recall which one) actually popped a lug-nut and pissed on John Turturro's head, and I'm done.

I have not lost my joy for movies. I'm not a jaded old fuck full of piss and vinegar, but when I pay $6 on a Saturday afternoon for a movie about GIANT, FIGHTING ROBOTS, I don't want jokes aimed at the 6 - 15 crowd.

I would imagine that most Transformers fans fall right around my age, 26, and pee-pee and wee-wees just aren't that funny anymore. Nor are glaring lapses in logic like the fact that Megatron apparently came to Earth 3,000 years ago to turn our machines in to Decepticons...which would put him about 2,850 years ahead of schedule for any actual machines of any sort.

And, really, the biggest offense is that a movie with a plot as simple as "keep the box away from the bad guys" made no sense and really had no sense of direction. What was the plan with the All Spark? Just a good ol' game of keepaway? Really? A couple hundred million bucks and a game of keep away is the best you can come up with?

Dumb.
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1:27PM on 07/11/2007

i dug it

i wasn't a huge transformers fan in the 80s- i think they came out right when i discovered girls. so i had no expectations for the movie, and i've never liked a michael bay movie. but this was pretty badass. i liked the actors, the action was incredible, and the cgi was the best i've ever seen on screen. add megan fox to that and it equals the best summer movie so far.
i wasn't a huge transformers fan in the 80s- i think they came out right when i discovered girls. so i had no expectations for the movie, and i've never liked a michael bay movie. but this was pretty badass. i liked the actors, the action was incredible, and the cgi was the best i've ever seen on screen. add megan fox to that and it equals the best summer movie so far.
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4:35PM on 07/06/2007
I was pretty blown away by this movie, particularly by the action and SFX. The story needed some work, but I liked Sam and Bumble-bee's wordless relationship, it was pretty awesome.
I was pretty blown away by this movie, particularly by the action and SFX. The story needed some work, but I liked Sam and Bumble-bee's wordless relationship, it was pretty awesome.
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