ARROW IN THE HEAD REVIEWS

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Transformers 2(2009)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Micheal bay

Starring:
Megan Fox/Mikaela
Shia LaBeouf/Sam
Josh Duhamel/Captain Lennox
John Turturro/Agent Simmons
4 10
PLOT-CRUNCH
The evil Decepticon robots want Sam’s (LaBeouf) ass cause he got shite stored in his head that they need. The valiant Autobots try to protect him and lots of useless yapping, Megan Fox looking finer than red wine spilled on a hooker’s butt crack and a couple of nifty action scenes ensue.
THE LOWDOWN
Before I go buck nuts on this bitch; here’s where I’m coming from. I’m an asshole. Beyond that though: I’m a big fan of the Transformers cartoons, enjoyed the first Bay Transformers film (but dug the animated Transformers The Movie more – Galvatron owns) and I think Bay is one of Hollywood‘s top stylists when it comes to action scenes. The Rock, The Island, Armageddon…all good films that sported action sequences that blew me the fudge away. So no, I’m not in the majority that thinks Bay sucks ape cachous. The dude is usually REALLY GOOD at what he does. Shite, even an opus like BAD BOYS 2 (which I loathed) gets my points for its stellar set pieces; nobody does KAPOW like The Bay Man!

Which brings me to TRANSFORMERS 2. Here’s my perception of it: eye popping action scene opens the film, criminally juvenile (and bottom of the barrel) humor kicks in, lots of time WASTED on a non plot, one or two physical get-downs pop up and an end action sequence that had its moments, but that went on for too long caps it all off . THE END! I swear man; maybe I’m from another planet or something, because the crowd I saw this sad-sack with was cracking up at some of the stupidest shite. Dogs humping each other, Sam’s mom becoming a hussy after eating a weed cookie, Devestator having a pair of testicles, a Decepticon humping Megan Fox’s leg, two from da hood, bumbling Autobots talking jive for the kiddies …what… the… f*ck??? Me no comprende amigos! The humor here was of the caliber of say STAR WARS THE PHANTOM MENACE (Jar-Jar) meets AMERICAN PIE and it pissed me the f*ck off. Yup, this one’s tone was all over the map; one second it was for kids, the other it was for adults. Big mistake. Flick was too childish for me to get into and wayyyy too long winded to keep kids in their seats. Shite the Transformers cartoons are more mature than this dreck! Who knew!

And why Bay populated his sequel with utter morons was beyond me; John Turturro irritated me in the original and for the most part he did here too. The crowd went wild hen he showed up. Am I missing something? I wanted to murder the hacker loud mouth in Part 1 (Anthony Anderson); here we get the Spanish version in Ramon Rodriguez (Leo). Was this dude supposed to be funny? Sure I cracked a couple of smiles but on a whole I EASILY could’ve done without him. Add to that the military being portrayed as utter fools with no protocol, gaping PLOT HOLES (even for a film of this ilk) stinking up the joint, so many Transformers at play that most got lost in the shuffle and a narrative/internal logic that seemed made up on the spot and you get a stinker of epic proportion. NOTE: Just because a film is about robots doesn't mean you can do WHATEVER you want and get away with it. It HAS TO make SOME sense within the world of the story! COME ON! The last time my minute intelligence got THIS insulted was when I was asked to surf Perez “Fergie you’re fugly” Hilton’s cunty-cunt-cunt site.

Finally, look man, I don’t watch a Michael Bay film for the story, I watch it for the action…so…where the f*ck was it? Hardly in here! The bulk of the time was exhausted on the "we have to explain everything even though nobody cares" plot, a grandpa Decepticon with a cane, farting out a parachute (whoever thought this was a good idea should be shot), a left field rip on Terminator 3 that made no sense and some dipshit ultimate Decepticon overlord that wouldn’t know his ass from his robo-penis. And don’t get me started on Sam visiting the Autobot afterlife… DON’T DO IT CAPTAIN (within The Matrix of Leadership or not - it was tacky as shit)! Anything good to say? Well I thought it was cool that Bay played up the Megatron/Starscream animosity here – it echoed the cartoon. And thank Athena that Bay will be Bay even when tackling trash! Some of his panache still shined through here via his amazing framing (all about that underhand/close up shot of Fox with the helicopter in the background), some impressive action scenarios (loved the bot fist to cuffs in the forest) and shite blowing up REAL good. Shia LeBouf came through once again as well. How that dude managed to sell all this is beyond me. I guess talent and a bottle of Jack goes a long way. Props! And yes, Megan Fox looked like something I should be eating pronto in every frame – damn – always worth something.

All in all TRANSFORMERS 2 crumbled under the weight of its own self indulgence and failed me on most levels. As a celluloid rendition of one of my fav cartoons? FAILED (Soundwave as a satellite? Booo!) A Michael Bay kaboom extravaganza? FAILED (too action challenged and boring to come through). An entertaining summer blockbuster? FAILED PERIOD! Easily the worst film I have seen this year. Bay needs to Transform into a director that wrangles something else than this franchise. He’s obviously motherf*cking done with it! Give us another THE ROCK bro! I know you have it in ya!
GORE
We get robot damage. Spine ripped out, heart punched out… ya know the usual.
ACTING
Megan Fox (Mikaela) sizzled the screen and said her lines adequately. I’ve never seen her in anything else than the Transformers films. Looking forward in bending over Jennifer’s Body to know what kind of chops she truly has. I wanna buy Shia LaBeouf (Sam) a beer for doing THIS WELL in a movie THIS BAD. Josh Duhamel (Captain Lennox) did what he had to do fine while Tyrese Gibson (Sgt Epps) had like 3 lines. Dude deserved better than that. John Turturro (Agent Simmons) got a few smiles out of me but on a whole his character had no business here. Peter Cullen (Optimus Prime) did his Prime thang again, bang on for the most part, but why they’re having Prime dropping cool slang now and again is beyond me.
T & A
Megan Fox looked good bent over a motorcycle and her bobbling cleavage shots were much appreciated by this horn dog.
DIRECTING
When Bay allowed Bay to be Bay he delivered. Some of his shot compositions and grand scale actions scene totally floored me. The man has an eye like no other when it comes to action. Too bad the bulk of the film focused on its “story”, its “characters” and pathetic attempts at humor.
SOUNDTRACK
We’re treated to an engaging score and a couple of tight rock ditties.
BOTTOM LINE
Its not surgery over here. Good robots on one side, bad robots on the other, something/someone  in the middle - they fight for it. ALL I NEED! Why try so hard to make it more than that???? Was it the fact that the writer’s strike was in full effect when TRANSFORMERS 2 was penned that ruined it? Was it Bay having too much confidence in himself that he was blind as to the crap he was creating? Or maybe it was the crack…that goddamn crack. Who cares! The bottom line is TRANSFORMERS 2 was awful. It didn’t know who it wanted to appeal to or the story it was telling, it didn’t know when to go action instead of rambling on non-stop, it didn’t know or follow its own rules…in fact…it didn’t know Jack-Shite!

Sure a couple of tight action jamborees, some chuckles, LaBeouf owning and Fox looking more f*ckable than my Angelina Jolie blow-up-doll kicked in to ease the pain – but that wasn’t enough – think using a Band-Aid on a chopped off arm – NOT ENOUGH! F*ck TRANSFORMERS 2! It represented everything I HATE about slap-dash, lowest denominator Hollywood filmmaking and f*ck it again for me making me have to WASTE more time on it via this PIECE OF SHIT REVIEW. AITH readers! TRANSFORM into pot smokers and PUFF AWAY! The only way you’ll survive this one…I need another drink…

BULL'S EYE
Frank Welker who did the voice of Megatron in the cartoon did the voice of Soundwave and Devastator here.

Anthony Anderson (who played the hacker in Part 1) did the voice of Jolt here

Megan Fox first worked with Michael Bay on Bad Moys 2. She played the uncredited role of: Stars-and-Stripes Bikini Kid Dancing Under Waterfall.

Tony “Candyman” Todd did the voice of The Fallen. Nice!

PISS ON THE TRANSFORMERS 2 WEBSITE HERE

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