A group of zero personality dudes/ettes find themselves stranded in Brazil and having to deal with a testy "black market organ ring" that badly wants their innards. Nothing wrong with that!
NOTE TO SELF: Stick to Cancun.
You ever get sloshed, pick up a broad, gone to her home
and shag her silly? And as you were doing the deed, you ever recognize
particular moments that you enjoyed more than others? Lastly...after hitting
your peak and running out of there with a sandwich and the gal’s purse; looking back, you
ever realize that absolutely nothing stood out from the quickie-romp you just performed? Yes? No? Need more time to think about that one? Fair enough.
Well... all this drivel was vomited on the page just for me to say: I felt the same way coming out of
It all began on the right diddle though as TURISTAS' situation was swiftly/engagingly established
to then clock forward at an even pace. Sure the flick stretched out some of its more mundane scenes a tad too much for my liking
(How long to I have to gawk at kids partying, I get it, they’re having a good time, lets move on!)
but I didn’t get
too hurt in the process. The plot then proceeded to keep to its smooth flow
until it’s more action oriented last block finally kicked in. And that’s where I
finally sat up in my seat and paid full attention. Props to the filmmakers for orchestrating one of the more innovative chase/stalk sequence in recent
genre history by setting it within under water tunnels. That
ordeal alone was worth me having tackled the film. I was rocked hard when
it came to two of the film's kills as well. One had to do with a girl falling off a
cliff (yowzer...you'll see) and the other put out a loco mofo, a scalpel and some poor chick’s liver.
The latter (although out of place in a film of this ilk, more on that later)
made me wince like Miss Black America contestant Desiree Washington
As I walked out the theatre though those scenes quickly faded away from my
the moment I saw some hot chick walking by sporting sleek ass fitting pants (nice pants, nicer ass). Why
is that? WHY I SAID? Easy. Turistas spread its butter too thin. Its high
“hero”count played against it as nobody was defined enough for me to truly give
a damn, hence involvement in the whole was decreased. Didn’t help matters much
that some characters got on my nerves (yeah Flynn I mean you) and that the gang
was way too naive (i.e. dumb) taking into account the events they had gone
through thus far. After what went down in the first 20 minutes, I would’ve
gone home riding a mule instead of gladly strolling into the woods
with a stranger for 10 hours to reach a creepy house. COME ON GUYS! This is
planet earth, its filled with evil, crazy and shitty people! Why so much trust?
Things were equally uneven when the shite hit the shan. Sadly the two kills I
already mentioned aside, most of the human laundry was far from memorable and
the fact that lots of the action was communicated in the dark with some shaky cam stuff
going on made things even worse. I had to fight to see what was going on! Not kool! Involvement decreased again.
Furthermore, the film was struggling with its identity like a bitch in heat
looking for a glass of milk (???). To me it was first and foremost a “survivalist”
action/thriller-ish effort along the lines or Deliverance. Unfortunately,
there wasn’t enough “survival against foes” in the house while the awkward (albeit well done)
SAW/HOSTEL like elements felt like they were solely there to sell the
trailer or keep with the current “torture trend”. I would’ve loved to have seen
the film embrace what it was instead of it wasting screen time trying to keep with "what's hot right
When my trip to Turistas ended, I didn’t feel like I had seen a lousy film. I mean it was well shot for the most part, sported slick underwater cinematography, random tension and a couple of solid rippers.
Simultaneously; I forgot all about it way to easily, as if I hadn’t seen a film at all. Make sense? Whatever... you gonna get your passport and Turistas your way to Turistas?
It’s up to you! I just work here.
It got sticky icky baby! I'm yapping a stick in the eye, some machete fun, a busted up head, one grisly "organ removal scene", gun shot wounds and some good old fashioned head bashing with a blunt object.
Characterization was weaker then Richard Simmons in the sack but the acting was
good. Josh Duhamel (Alex) reacted credibly to the situation and had presence. Melissa George (Pru) spoke good Brazilian,
was focused and had a swell behind. Beau Garrett (Amy) had nice cans but didn't
have much of a character. I guess she was all right. Olivia Wilde (Bea) was a
cutie and looked frightened real good but again...who was she? Desmond Askew (Finn) played a grating
duder. I couldn't wait for him to check out! I guess he did a good job! Agles Steib (Kiko) owned as the guide with
the most. Very likeable. Actually he was probably the more human/layered of all the characters
in this film. Who knew?
Gorgeous Beau Garrett (Amy) and some hot Brazilian dame showed us their luscious
boob-berry muffins and there was all kinds of booty in tiny swimsuits shaking about. The ladies get shirtless buff dudes.
The flick looked lush as it successfully capitalized on its beautiful setting.
The suspense that was there was mostly effective while the usual SAW quick cut
stuff was thankfully kept to a minimum (was pretty much present just for the opening). More energy behind
the lens would've been appreciated though as I sometimes felt like I was
watching a TV movie of the week.
Brazilian dance/rap songs that I did not groove to (just aint my thing) and a way too seldom score that
actually worked when it surfaced.